My parents are from India and and think AS is BS

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Okay, I grew up as an undiagnosed Aspie in the U.S. and I was labeled as emotionally disturbed as a child back in the 1980s and put in special education because I could not function in a regular classroom. My parents were distressed by this and kept trying to get me out of special ed and made all efforts to hide the fact that I was in special ed from all their friends.

My parents grew up in India and moved here in early 1970s and I was born and raised in California.

My mom and I frequently have this argument:

My mom says that if I was raised back in India, I would have learned to be "normal" by the age of 6 or 7. Her reasoning is that in India, they don't have special education classes or labels such as "emotionally disturbed" nor do they have professional psychologists there to try to "explain everything." The average Indian classroom has 80 students in the classroom to one teacher who only has two teaching tools: a piece of chalk on one hand and a whip in the other.

My mom claims that back in India, everyone learns to "cope" and "obey" as special education, school psychologists, and "positive reinforcement" with rewards do NOT exist there. She thinks I became "weird" because the U.S. schools rewarded my defiant behavior when I was little by placing me in special ed where I got spoiled by the 1:1 instruction and lavish rewards for the smallest behaviors as well as 2 hours of free play time each day. She thinks the "label" emotionally disturbed" caused me to become the way that I am as opposed to my neurological wiring. Her reasoning is this question; "How come there's no such thing as Asperger's, Emotionally Disturbed, or anything along those lines back in India?" and when I tell her the same problems exist back in India but just go undiagnosed, she tells me that she has never seen a "quirky adult" or "defiant or stubborn kid back in India growing up. She says, maybe when they are really little but once they start school there, they learn how to become obedient and conform out of fear.

She said if I was were raised back in India, I would have been punished HARSHLY for my "stubbornness" as the teachers there use physical beatings and make students squat in uncomfortable positions for HOURS for the smallest infractions. She said, after 2 or 3 beatings, I would have learned my lesson and just blended in because I had no other choice.

I think I would have still had my meltdowns even within the rigid Indian schools and beaten quite harshly and ultimately expelled and kept at home. As a child, I really didn't know what I was doing wrong and why the other kids and teachers "picked on me so much". I also disagree with my mom that I was "rewarded" for my behavior here in the U.S.- I was placed in special ed because I couldn't cope with the social/emotional expectations of a regular class as a child.

I would like to know if there's any posters on here of Indian decent who either agree or disagree with my mom or me? Do you think that I would have learned to control my meltdowns if I had been beaten up for them?

If you're interested in knowing more about my upbringing go to http://www.myaspergerslifestory.com/ and click on the triangle next to "My Life Story" to read about what my elementary and middle school years were like.

Parenting and school systems are so different back there it sounds like.

Yes, there is no concept of child abuse as adults can do whatever they want to their children. I am so glad that I was raised in the U.S.
Here, I got emotionally bullied which was tough but back there, the very same behavior might have even cost me my life!

It irks me that they say that we Aspies have no empathy when the so called NT teachers in India don't even treat innocent children in a human manner. Here's a link about what happens in India but be warned, it may have you in tears- http://www.jaisiyaram.com/blog/school/6 ... ug-10.html

I am sure you have heard about how kids are raised in China.

I also wanted to let you know that I have distanced myself from the Indian community where I live because I find most of them very narrow minded and judgmental. I can't stand the hypocrisy when they talk about "how Indians have superior family values" and i see them emotionally bullying their children.

Yep; From my observations, Chinese and Indian cultures are very similar to each other. I live in an area that has a large population of each group.

Here that would be considered child abuse.

Yep and in India, it's just considered "normal". I'm sure there are Indian members of WP. I'm waiting to hear their inputs on this one.

One thing that amazes me is how it doesn't screw up their self esteem and their adult hoods because most kids who are abused grow up to be messed up people. Kids are so thankful what their parents did to them. But yet that article you showed me, kids die or get disabilities from the abuse they get in school. I wonder why it messes them up here but not over there?

Different cultures have different stigmas. the reason that you don't "see" adults with physiological issues is probably due to the fact that they either end up in jail, vagrant, drug addict, or as your link states-- killed by excessive punishment. Some (sub)cultures embrace individuality while others reject non-conformity. The U.S.A. is a melting pot of both extremes. Some American families are open to helping their offspring express themselves while others force them to repress their unique traits. I, unfortunately, fell into the latter group and as a result ended up as a really messed up adolescent. Due to my mother's negligence I was not in control of myself and had very irrational behavior when she put me out on the streets at age 17 with the mental capacity of PROBABLY an 8 year old. Needless to say, I ended up with two felonies in less than a year. Compounding the issue is the fact at how broken the justice system was (is)-- instead of addressing the issue and evaluating the cause of my unacceptable behavior I was subjected to a system that ALMOST destroyed me completely. Strangely enough-- the same thing (A.S.) that caused my problems was the crutch I used to cope. I regressed into my head and thrived in my own world. I firmly believe that being an Aspie is both a gift and a curse. Living in a world dominated and controlled by NT's we have no choice but to at least compromise and somewhat conform to their standards and rules if we agree with them or not.
Just keep this in mind-- the NT that accuses you of being a "know-it-all" one day will more than likely be asking for your advice or help the next day. I have learned that "normal people" tend to want to destroy that which they don't understand. It is us-- the Aspies-- who save it from destruction by helping them understand.

I believe it does mess up the kids over there. Just look at what a basketcase India is- as much as their economy has grown in the past 15 years, it's very much third world and therefore people lack basic human rights. I believe that the majority of Indians are miserable and suffer low self-steem as well while the elite live the high live. As far as why Indian immigrants in the U.S. are generally successful and high achievers, it's only the brighest ones that come here, the ones that made it to the very top of India's very competitive education system. Usually the only Indians that come to the U.S. are the top 0.1 percent of the population there as they are cherry picked to come here for higher studies or hi tech work.

First off, I'll say that I'm not Indian. I was raised by a strict European mom with the same philosophy toward psychology and the educational system. I was beaten harshly, but that did not make me normal as your mom's theory suggests. It only made the problem worse because now in addition to my "stubborness," I was also unsure of how to handle things--socially and otherwise. I had no idea which behaviors would cause a beating, so I just decided not to do anything at all. I was mute and I withdrew behind closed doors and my mom led me to believe I would grow up to be a criminal. I didn't talk much, and it wasn't until I started going to school in 8th grade (previously homeschooled) that I really started to find my voice.

Abuse doesn't really help a child control his/her aspiness because it's impossible for the child to know how to control those behaviors. A more constructive approach is to be peaceful about corrections. No kid deliberately wants to disappoint a parent, so they will learn if they parent can teach in a patient and calm manner. I don't understand verbal directions very well. The pattern at my house was: my mom explains something-->I don't get it-->my mom says it louder-->I get nervous because of the yelling-->my mom gets angry and hits-->now I get angry, and at this point I do want to disappoint her.

In all fairness to my mom, she taught me valuable discipline skills, but discipline is not the same as abuse. It's possible to have a strict mother, but not necessarily an abusive mother.

Maybe it does screw up their self-esteem in their adult life and you just don't notice? Kids that were abused grow up with a view of the world that rationalizes physical violence, so they do the same thing to their kids. This is how abuse runs in families.

AMEN! I agree with you; I believe that abuse only teachers children fear, whether they are Aspie or NT. All children are growing, thinking, and learning human beings and must be treated with the utmost respect. I was never physical beaten as a child and I believe it's because my parents raised me in the U.S. where that is not accepted but I sure got emotionally and verbally criticized a lot. I think that maybe my parents were so frustrated by my learning "bad habits" in special ed that they developed the "grass is greener on the other side" mentality thinking that I would learn to control myself if I lived in a culture that was stricter? It's all so speculative.

They always talk about the nature vs. nurture debate but nurture usually implies parenting style while the cultural context outside the home that may influence parenting style isn't given as much attention as well as the social environment the child sees outside the home.

I'll put it this way; if you were raised with the same genetic make up with the same set of parents in a completely different culture and time, I believe your life outcome would be entirely different.

I pity the people in India which have any kind of disorder. Can you imagine someone always forbidding you to be YOU? How frustrating would that be?

We still have that kind of ignorance and rigidity also in Romania (not everywhere, but some of us still live in the communist period), but I was fortunate enough not to be so much different from everyone else so I succeeded somehow to fit in, even though I had to struggle for a long time.

But violence is not the answer in no situation involving children and especially the “special” ones. Isn’t enough that they have a huge difficulty dealing with this world, do they really need extra frustration caused by physical abuse? How would THAT motivate them to evolve?

Later edit: my signature is somehow related to this subject: [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2a-_dvxtN0[/youtube]

Is there any way that you can get a psychologist to talk to your parents and help them to see that it's a very real thing to have?