If you met your own aspergers...

Post Reply New Topic

Since I found out, I have been more angry and self hating than ever before. I don't get depressed, I just get really angry.

Just writing this out, I can feel myself ready to burst into flames, I hate AS so much and what it has done to me and my youth and my future middle aged life when I'm in my 30's. I hate it that much and I hate everything associated with it.

I keep having a recurring dream where I break the side of my skull off and pull the AS out with my hands, I can just visualize it fighting back as I'm dragging it out with both hands and then I feel like I'm cured. For the rest of my dream I'm smiling because I feel like I'm finally normal and I can meet people and talk to them comfortably, I can look them in the eye like its no big deal and it doesn't bother me at all. I won't be clumsy or weird, just normal.
When the fight is over I feel like its the first day of the rest of my life. Time to go to Ibiza and a rave and not fear the crowd and go get a girlfriend and make some proper friends who I don't have to consciously use training techniques just to hold a conversation for five minutes and I can naturally laugh and have a good time around others. Saturday I can call my friends and hang out maybe play Xbox or something, not Medal Of Honour alone with some doritos. No more social skills training classes, Hell, I might even develop a sense of humour!! !
I no longer need to make excuses like "I'm not defected, I'm just different" or "It makes me who I am". NO!! I'm the way I'm supposed to be, neurotypical, the way nature intended.
But then I wake up....

If your AS manifested its self as some kind of humanoid in front of you, what would you do?

I can't quite decide if I would strangle it and use my new neuro-typicality to stare into its eyes so I can watch it die or I would do a Sin City and just mount it and punch it in the head until all there's left is mush.
Listening to it squeal and watching it squirm whilst I'm pushing my thumbs into its eyes is quite tempting though. I always felt that making eye contact is like having thumbs in my eyes, poetic justice lol!
It will know the true meaning of physical pain and misery.

What would you do

f**k it... I'll stick a poll on here.

Would your reaction be nice or not so nice?

Last edited by Hughey on 25 May 2011, 4:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Two for not so nice.

I'd wrap it up tight in a blanket and give it something with a good texture to rub on its face.

And on that note, I'm off to bed to do similar!

Holy crap, I had a dream a few nights ago where I met (what I think of as) a human manifestation of my AS. It was weird, though. It was a girl who appeared to be my age, but she acted in all the ways I didn't like about myself - the monotone voice, awkward social expressions, not looking me in the eye, etc. When I asked her name, she said I was just like her. I said, "how can I be just like you? First off, I'm a guy. Secondly, you don't even know me!". Then she told me she didn't like herself because she had AS, and that she was worthless to everyone, and how she simply knows that I can relate to her problems. As tears started flowing from her eyes, she pulled out a razor blade and slit her wrists. Not knowing what to do, standing there, she said, "see? You don't know how to help anybody, just like I can't help anybody.". Then I felt my breathing getting heavy. And I woke up.

Anyways, I think that if she was a manifestation of my AS that I'd seen in real life, I would have let her live. We can all get better at what we're not good at initially.

What the heck is this guy doing over here? Hmm... maybe I should go talk to him.

"Who are you and just what do you think you're doing in my house?"
"I'm aspergers. I'm just a manifestation; I don't really exist."
"Wow, alright, that's nice. So, what's it like being aspergers?"
"Well, you would know. I am part of you. That's a stupid question, and I don't really know how to answer it to begin with. Besides, there's better things I could be doing right now."
"Like what? Going to try and conquer the world or something?"
"You know, I just might do that. You can call me Emperor Aspergers if you like. I'm going to go start working on the power source for my experimental superlaser, see you later bro."

Aww geez... what have I done?

[quote="SyphonFilter"
Anyways, I think that if she was a manifestation of my AS that I'd seen in real life, I would have let her live. We can all get better at what we're not good at initially.[/quote]

By that time it's too late for so many things. I often find myself finally getting to a certain point only to find out everyone's been there and gone again in their personal development, makes me feel like i'm child,constantly struggling to catch up, while working twice as hard and having nowhere near the fun. I doubt i'll ever catch up, I doubt i'll ever be happy like I could have been without this sh***y disorder.

So no, killing it with fire isn't enough. It needs to be slow, it has to pay for the unrepearable damage it did to my youth, for all the memorable moments I have missed while standing on the outside looking in. Endless, insufferable pain, it deserves nothing less.

Give it a hug.

I am the humanized manifestation of my A.S. It is as much a part of me as my D.N.A.

I think that I treat myself rather well.

He would be my best friend. We would share all of the same interests. But he would probably get annoying after a while.

You are just a very angry person. You focus on the negative instead of the positive. If you were NT you would continue feeling the same. Have you ever heard of depression? They feel the are worth nothing, too. I know a lot of NTs who live misserable lifes and feel they do not belong. Your syndrome does not define you. What defines you is what is inside.

I meet that Autism guy all the time, just by looking in the mirror.

I've had several dreams where I met my AS as the younger female that I was, once. I used to get intensely annoyed with her, especially when she was clumsy, or had that stupid, inappropriate grin on her face. Now, when she shows up in a dream, while I still can get irritated and impatient with her, I also feel compassion where I did not before. After all, if she hadn't suffered so, I wouldn't be the cool person I am today!

I couldn't agree more.



Oh, you must be one of these delusional people who think its a "gift" lol. More like a birth defect.



Its not part of your D.N.A, its a mistake your body made when you were growing up.

You are a normal person who has been turned different due to something going wrong. Its not out fault but it isn't a part of you.

You are incorrect, i just like hugs

This is such as stupid argument.

I never said that NT's lives are peachy and easy, I know that NT some people's lives suck and everybodies does at some time, but at least there is hope for them. I'm stuck like this. MOST NTs have friends and
Considering the fact that I'm an athlete and I'm a fairly good looking guy, I think that if I was NT my life would have all the upsides and down sides that most NTs have. I couldn't really give a damn about the upsides of AS (if any) because they are mostly useless.
AS and its symptoms have been the cause for a lot of hurt to me and my family not to mention the situations I have been in because of it and for that I can't forgive AS.

Second, they can recover from depression, you can't recover from AS.

Are you calling me a mistake?

Either the "hue" - analogous to my skin color - is a part of me, in which case I can not be rid of it; or it is not a part of me, in which case I can be rid of it - or cured.

Your assertions lead me to believe that you may be one of those people who believe that Aspies are mistakes in need of a cure.

I am not a mistake.

I need no cure.

I embrace my Aspieness, and accept it as part of my being. After all, I would not be who I am today if it weren't for Asperger's Syndrome, nor would I likely be as successful in my chosen career (electrical engineering) if AS did not give me certain advantages over my neurotypical co-workers.