Desperately Trying to Save My Relationship

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My boyfriend and I have been together for about six months--we met online and our relationship is long distance. I'm NT, he has Asperger's--I don't know how much that has to do with what's going on with us right now, but I'm really at my wits' end and desperate for help of any kind.

Basically, a couple of days ago, I mentioned that I thought we both seemed a little disconnected from each other--thinking it was best to just get it out in the open so we could talk about it and work on it.

He was upset. He said he felt the same way, but he really didn't know what to do to fix it. He spent a lot of the day sort of...being sad and not talking to me. At the end of the day, we got on skype, I did a lot of crying because I'd spent the whole day thinking he was going to leave me, and he comforted me as best he could.

The next day he said he had been thinking about leaving me. That he didn't know how to fix things, and sort of didn't want to try. He thought if we stayed together it would just be a lot of...waiting to see if things changed with no result, ultimately, and he would just stay with me, feeling disconnected and grow to resent me.

First I begged him to stay with me. I really love him. I have some depression and social anxiety and he always brought out the best in me--it made it seem like those things weren't such a big deal. And I think he's interesting and sweet and funny and I respect and admire him. We have a good relationship outside of this issue. We communicate well. We trust and care for each other. Even as he was telling me he wanted to break up, he went out of his way to mention that he still cared about me.

Then I asked him if we could just take a break. He said it felt like prolonging the inevitable, but he'd do it.

After a bit of a think and calming down a lot, I contacted him again to tell him that I was hurt that he didn't come to me before anything got to the point that he felt he'd want to break up, but that I still wanted to be friends and didn't know how to go about doing it. I was more assertive and together, and he responded much better to that. He apologized for the way he handled things but said he also didn't know what to do.

I told him to stick with the break, to consider things seriously and decide whether he really felt like this problem was so unsolvable that it was worth throwing our relationship away over. He could contact me if he really needed someone else to talk to (he's basically set up his life so that he never has to interact with anyone, and obviously I worry about him being alone), but otherwise, no contact for a week.

He agreed, this time a lot more positively. He said he would seriously think things over. And he apologized again. I told him it was okay, that I understood he was just doing what he thought was best, and that none of this had changed my opinion of him. I still love him/admire him/etc.

Obviously this time alone has been extremely painful. I love him very, very much and I want him back very badly. I'm at a loss to figure out what specifically "disconnected" means for him. I got the feeling maybe that I'd been overwhelming him emotionally and thought I might suggest we slow things down a little and start to rebuild, rather than the pretty stark extremes of "we're broken up" and "we're very much together"--which, for us, means constantly talking all day every day. We both just email each other constantly throughout the day until we either get on Skype or one of us goes to sleep.

I'm hoping he was just panicking, and overwhelmed by everything that was going on and with a week of time apart, he'll be a little more open to talk about other, non-break-up options.

But I'm terrified. I love him and I don't want to lose him. I'd be willing to completely change my behavior to accommodate him if it meant keeping him.

Is there any way I can salvage this? Is there a relevant Asperger's perspective on this issue that I need to consider?

Anything helps. Thanks so much.

I hope it works out for you. The first thing is that people with AS are all different so there is no one rule. There are some books on relationships with people with AS, and they tend to be geared towards men with AS which would be helpful. I'm a bit worried he is agreeing to the break of a week more because you wanted it than him. AS people tend to say what they mean.

He might have had problems expressing emotions. It may be easier written down than verbally though.

People with AS can be disconnected in general. He may go through phases of wanting to be alone and needing to be alone to recharge away from people and sensory issues. I also go through phases of wondering if I should still be with my partner but not sure if this is AS or the relationship.

I want to state clearly that the response I'm giving may not be entirely objective as I'm suffering a bit with some things in my own relationship but here is my two-pennies-worth:

I am a male aspie in a relationship with an NT woman.

From your post I suspect that not only are you understandably emotionally distraught over this situation but you have been upset and stressed for sometime (even unknowingly).

So sometimes we just don't want to deal with that $*^£. In an NT boyfriend this behaviour is called, "Being an As"£$%le".

Having to understand and appreciate an NT's emotions and show that you respect, understand them and think they are valid is actually quite hard work for an aspie (in my opinion, other's may differ). So we get quite tired and would like sometimes the opportunity to not have to be considerate of your feelings. This doesn't mean we want to actively be disrespectful or insulting but just that sometimes it would be nice to relax without having to concentrate on determining your emotional state at the moment or having to moderate the way we say things to accommodate how you feel at the moment.

I would be willing to place money on the reason you feel disconnected is that he isn't giving you the emotional validation you expect when you express that way you feel about something. He only responds fully about the factual content of what you are saying.

Basically if you want to know if he feels the same way as you about something you have to be prepared to actually ask the question, "I feel this way about this. How does this thing make you feel?" And if he responds with a factual critique of the situation reiterate in a non-judging manner, "No, I'm sorry I didn't explain myself. I don't want your opinion I just want to know how you feel about this."

Be aware though that as an aspie he will probably a) feel differently about stuff than you and b) be blunt about his difference of emotion to the point of appearing inconsiderate of how you feel.
When or if you push and query this difference of emotion he will not be 'considerate and respectful of your right to feel a certain way'. He will see this as an opening to critique and analyse whether or not you should objectively be feeling that way at all.

This is not disrespect. I repeat, this is not disrespect. This is just him trying to achieve equal understanding between you, what you are actually asking for, him to appreciate your feelings.
If he doesn't acknowledge your feelings as an NT would and doesn't want to analyse their validity, i.e. tries to cut the conversation short. Then that is disrespectful.

BTW if you get particularly emotional it may become too much for him to cope with. Sounds childish but is actually true, a prolonged period with an upset person often requires more concentration and effort than we can deliver, despite our best intentions.

As for him feeling disconnected from you... he may:

a) Expect to be feeling the same things he thinks you are feeling and wondering why he doesn't (you or he may have generated false expectations here. Even in NT to NT relationships the two people care about things differently).

b) Be going through a period of disconnection from everything. This just happens sometimes, one has to ride it out.

c) Genuinely be disconnected from your life and/or ways of doing things but not want to make you feel bad and be assuming it's a) or b).

I can't see what this has to do with Asperger's tbh.

You're being dumped and you're unhappy about it. I'm sorry you feel this way, but that's life. If he doesn't want to continue the relationship, then you are just postponing the inevitable and will probably ensure that you are both more miserable in the process.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but you sound a bit like me 20 odd years ago. Better to call it quits now, than try to hang on to someone who doesn't want you.

@abc123 What do you do to get out of those phases? My partner has only had one other relationship and I think it ended for a similar reason. I want him to know that if it's something to do with AS, I'm willing to stick it out and give him the space he needs until he's ready to move forward. He says he's worried that just sticking around in the relationship and doing nothing will just make things worse, which is reasonable. We still really, really like each other, even with this going on, and I'd hate to put him in a situation that would make him resent me.

@Zedaki The fact of the matter is, once getting it out in the open, I didn't really feel that disconnected anymore. I get the feeling he might just be going through a general feeling of disconnect. And I love him very deeply, whereas he doesn't even feel like he's capable of love, and has expressed in the past not feeling so great about the incongruity.

I do get particularly emotional, and it had occurred to me that it might be too much for him. I've suggested I start to rely on others a bit more than I do on him for emotional support, but I've yet to hear back from him (this was in an email).

@Marcia Things are a lot messier than the cut-and-dry "hanging on to someone who doesn't want you." He told me directly he would very much still like to be a part of my life. He doesn't want to cut ties, he just wants to stop being romantic. Which, yeah, might be prolonging the inevitable. But I think in a week, I'll be more open to talking to him as a friend anyway. So ultimately I think it's a healthy decision. And for the record, he did seem open to it. Initially he wasn't, but I was also busy crying at him and overwhelming him with emotions. Once we started speaking rationally about it, he seemed to think it was a good idea.

And yeah, I know it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with Asperger's. I guess I didn't make that clear--I just wanted to make sure there isn't some unique thing I'm missing out on. He's diagnosed Asperger's and I just don't want to neglect anything here. I mean...if you think it's to the point that I should completely remove my post, then fine.



Thanks for the responses, all!

I have a few questions. You said you met online, and that your relationship is long distance. How long is this distance? Do you both periodically meet up for a weekend or such?

We live in different countries, so meeting up isn't that frequent. But our relationship has been good in spite of the distance.

I think for now it looks like we're just going to be good friends. Maybe in time this will pass and he will reconsider. But for now it looks like that's that. We'll still be talking daily, though. And I hope to continue to support him through whatever problems he might face.

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

My thought on the disconnect that is felt was rooted primarily in how frequently you two were able to connect physically. I know the interwebs is great for meeting people and staying connected...but I really believe that physical contact, even if just being physically present to one another, is important for maintaining a relationship.

This could be the romantic in me, so take it with a very large block of salt, but had either of you considered moving closer to the other? If the relationship was as good as you say, perhaps it was time for one of you to move nearer? To take it to the next level? Just a thought.

We talked about it, but frankly we haven't been together long enough for one of us to expatriate yet. When we talked about moving, it was always an eventuality. I'm also not a monied person. If I could afford it, I would be with him right now.

The physical contact stuff was an issue. We found ways to work around it, though. And it was never a source of disconnection before. I think it was ultimately one of those "I can't quite place why but I feel like this" things.

Anyway, as I said, we're still talking and we're still basically best friends--hence the strength of our relationship. We still have a lot of feeling for each other. Maybe somewhere down the line we can give it another shot.

I have to say it sounds like both of you are quite in tune with your feelings and desires. It sounds to me like you were both doing everything right, it's just sort of hit a snag.

I truly hope it works out for you. Good luck!

This. I'm in a long distance relationship and sometimes my boyfriend starts to feel so far away it's like he's not actually real anymore. My brain just stops remembering him properly.

What do you do to get past that? We've basically gone from me having to accept that we've broken up to just automatically going back to interacting basically the exact same way we did when we were together, except I no longer say "I love you." I wonder if maybe, with enough time and space for him to recuperate and get a handle on how he's feeling now, we could talk about starting again. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, though.

In your case I don't know. We didn't start out as long distance, it just happened because of work. Often the only thing that can properly fix it is seeing him again. Sometimes it can be as simple as getting a silly text... one of those ones that don't say anything beyond "I saw a deer!! !" but somehow remind me who he is and why I fell for him in the first place.

Having said that, we don't communicate nearly as often as you do so it might be a different issue.

I have just gone through exactly the same thing with the exception that we live a half hour drive from each other. We had agreed to be friends and I started dating someone else on the day he canceled our "reuinion". He promised to be my friend and I did him. Unfortunately, I knew it would ultimately cut into my feelings for someone else. I am a very faithful person and letting go of him would have proved impossible. Also he had said something that I am sure he wasn't aware that he said. But as you say, aspies state the truth. So I realized that he didn't really care about me. He was manipulating me. He was keeping me around for a "backup".

So I told him "I hate being treated like a doormat. Leave me alone"

His only response was "Very well".

Proof that he really didn't/doesn't care.

It really is scary loving an aspie with emotional issues. To think of all the emotional investment we who "feel" put into the relationship with very little in return. Then the understanding that, if you left, they wouldn't run after you, they wouldn't cry or feel badly or even miss you except for the tangible things you did for them. The fact that they have no capacity for caring whether or not you come or go is HEARTBREAKING.

I am so much better off out of it, even if I myself am an aspie as well. At least I have nurtured that part of me, as frightening as it was to do.

I'm very sorry. That is an awful way for one person to treat another.

It's definitely not my situation--the possibility that staying friends might be detrimental to me down the line was discussed almost immediately, and he told me that while he'd like to have me as a friend, if it was what was best for me, I should go. I chose not to. He's never said anything to make me feel like he didn't care about me. After talking a bit today, I think there's a slightly remote possibility that he somehow felt he'd trapped me in this relationship and that I didn't feel like I could go on without. Obviously I know that while being dumped is basically the worst feeling ever, it goes away and you can go on without the other person. I think he didn't realize that I wasn't somehow...deluded by my feelings of love for him and that I was in the relationship completely by choice. He pretty clearly cares whether I leave his life entirely. I believe him when he says he missed me when we weren't speaking to each other.

Though my situation differs from yours, I appreciate the words of warning. It's good to remember that basically...we can be deluded by love and feelings of devotion. And to not let those get in the way of our understanding of the reality of a given situation.

I'm glad you're out of that relationship. It sounds like that guy was acting like a huge jerk towards you. And you seem like a pretty good person. You definitely deserve better.

Griffica Thank you for that.

I forgot to add, this was yesterday.