Religion as a trigger for outbursts

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My twelve year old son who has Aspergers does not believe that a spiritual dimension exists. I am very spiritual and many community events that we attend involve praying. Also, family friends come from a variety of spiritual backgrounds and faith is a popular topic at gatherings.

When he hears religious lyrics, sees praying, or is in the room when religion is brought up he gets very agitated and upset. Often he makes comments letting others know how he feels about religion and lets them know that he does not like to talk about it, and makes statements such as "there's no such thing as Jesus" or "there's no point in praying." His tone is very loud and angry when he says things like this.

Among close friends and family this is not an issue, but when he interrupts a prayer at a large public event or says visibly recoils in disgust at the mention of God, Jesus, or any other religious entity, well... sometimes it doesn't go over so well with people who don't know him.

It also causes him significant discomfort when he hears a song on the radio that mentions anything religious and he gets upset and asks to change the station or leave wherever we are when we hear the song. His response to anything even remotely religious is similar to when he tries on clothes and then really hates the way they feel or when he sees something that makes him gag and tear up. It's a whole body reaction and he wants to escape the situation as quickly as possible.

I have tried to explain to him that while he doesn't believe, religion gives some people great comfort and it hurts their feelings when he says negative things about their beliefs. I've let him know that other people are tolerant of his non-belief, so he should return the courtesy and let them practice their belief with tolerance. Also, when we are hosted by someone who is religious, I have let him know that it is polite to respect the religious belief of your host by not making faces and angry noises while they are praying before dinner.

Sometimes if I reason with him enough he can overcome behaviours and change them in a way that helps him socially adapt to situations. I am having a really hard time with this one, though.

I would be very thankful for any advice on how to talk to my son about religion and somehow convince him not to be "rude" (I know he's not trying to be rude, but it is perceived by others as rude) in situations where people are expressing their religion.

Does he equipped with a blocking feature?

I can use my ipod or other mp3/CD device
if I have to block out country music for example.

Religion does not affect me, (I have my own
private religion), but country music (not all of it,
some of it like Ray Stevens makes me laff)
can often depress me, so I put on my earphones
so I cannot hear it, and I turn up the Metal, or
Classical or Devo or whatever and drown it all out,.

I can kinda relate. Some of the people who were the most horrible to me were supposedly Christians. Because of them, it made me very distrustful of anyone who called themself a Christain. I also remember riding with them to some event in a car that smelled awful. Whenever I hear Christian music, I instinatly think of that smell. I was also forced to doll up for Church, which made me feel fake and uncomfortable. The last person I should have to feel fake for is God. When I tried to tell my mom how uncomfortable the clothes were, she told me if Jesus could be nailed to the cross, it was the least I could do to wear jeans for a few hours. I will never fully master ToM. It made me believe that Church was supposed to be unbearable. But they seemed to enjoy it. I thought you weren't supposed to enjoy it. Another thing I hated about church was when it was over, people wanted to come and make stupid small talk with me. I wanted to cover my face and run screaming to the car. My parents tell me we go to church to worship God. But I was getting the impression they were going to socalize. All and all, I felt like I was going to church to apeease my parents. I never felt any sort of connection to God like I was supposed to. I feel closer to God when I am alone in the middle of the woods somewhere with my pet lizard...not in the middle of a man made structure with a bunch of people. My lizard is my service animal and my social anxiety gets so bad sometimes, I can't leave the house without her. My parents won't let me bring her to church unless it's for the Feast of Saint Francis becuase they don't think it's fair to the other people who go to church. What isn't fair is deyning me my coping mechanism. My lizard is quiet and well behaved...unlike some twats people insist on letting scream. I haven't been to church in years. I might go if my parents would let me bring my pet lizard with me but I don't think they ever will. As I said, I never really felt like I was going to church for God anway. Due to my expirence with Christians who are Christians only on Sunday, I like to consider myself a Christian athiest. I believe in God and that Jesus is my savior, but I don't believe in most people's idea of religon. With the exception of some Ethopian dude being Jesus reincarniated, I agree with a lot of Rastafarian teachings.

Well some people with autism dont have the ability to feel God...faith seems to be in a certain part of the brain and some aspies dont have that part of the brain in good working order therefore they are athiests.
To him, religion makes no sense to him because he never experienced faith, he cant understand why people do such strange things for some being he truly does not believe exists.
The best thing you can do is exclude him from these events...he doesnt want to be there, he sees no sense in it. He is going to act out because he does not like seeing ppl act in such a manner for a purpose that he thinks is an adult fairytale.

I am not athiest, but I have athiest friends and they all act that way when they are forced to be in a religous setting.
You can try to make him keep it down, but that is not respecting his non-belief to force him to attend these events.
If he is going to find God, trust me...it wont be in a big social gathering.


Jojo

If he is being forced to go to these events then tolerance is neither being taught nor practiced. It may only be re-enforcing his strong feelings against religion, which doesn't lay down a strong foundation for him to come to God. I'm sorry I don't see his strong disdain as the problem.

I understand his feelings. And I don't think it is just him being an atheist. If that were the case he wouldn't have such a negative visceral reaction to it. He would simply be uninterested or think your being silly. But shuttering when he hears about it indicates more of a negative, usually defensive, reaction.

I understand why he would do this because I feel the same way when I hear people talk about christianity or pray. Which is odd as I consider myself a christian. As the quote goes, "I like Christ, but I have found that most people who call themselves christians are nothing like Christ." It has been my experience that the worst people that I have met are people who I met in church or my 'christian' school. The massive hypocrisy just annoys me. And when I hear these people act as though they are christians by praying it just smacks of sacrilege to me. They clearly don't act like christians, they only pretend to be such in order to make themselves feel good and fit in with their family/neighbors. Its obviously not true of all christians. But it is unfortunately not an uncommon problem.

I am not sure if that is what is going on with your child, but my guess is that he is upset by people who claim to be christian but are anything but. He probably has some bad experiences with people who call themselves christians yet treat him with rudeness, condescension, and such. You know, judge him for being who he is, tell him he is a horrible sinner, act like they are better than him, try to shove their version of christianity down his throat, etc. That's what happened in my childhood and why I no longer go to church or associate with any 'christian' based organizations. There are plenty of good christians out there, but I just can't stand to hear another sermon get preached or listen to anybody pray. Too many bad memories.

Anyways, about your child. I wouldn't try to force him to come along to your religious get-togethers. It obviously upsets him, and trying to force him to go along with it is only going to cause him to pull further away. As for the incidental things like hearing a christian song on the radio, I am afraid I don't know what to tell you there. I still get that same visceral shutter every time I hear a children's choir or see children in mass (different topic from the christian thing, but similar cause). There isn't much I can do about it other than quickly leave or turn off the radio. To be clear, my objection is not to children, or christianity, or christians in general. It is just a reaction to how I have been treated by them.

The best you can do is just tell your son that they don't mean to be harmful, and that it doesn't do anybody any good to try and correct them. They aren't going to listen, and they are just going to get annoyed at you. And when you hear somebody say grace, its best just to grit your teeth and say nothing as you are just going to make the situation worse by pointing out the problems.

Beyond that, I would get him away from any 'christian' influences as quickly as you can. They clearly aren't having the desired affect or leaving a positive impact of what christianity is like. If they were, your son would probably be far more accepting of christianity. And since you yourself are christian, you can help this by leading by example and showing him that christianity is based on compassion, and kindness, and understanding and respect for others. If you show him what it is actually about through actions, he might not be bothered so much by the words.

Anyways, good luck.

Ha ha. I'm 25 and religion still triggers outbursts in me.

I get incredibly frustrated when people are able and willing to put aside their sense and accept what appears to be a highly fictional interpretation of reality.

Religion has never brought me comfort. Organized religion has a history of being incredibly divisive, contributing to all forms of social ostracism and hindering every major evolution in human thought.

Now, the philosophy of Christ is doubtlessly the gold standard of moral ideology. However, the rest of the Bible is incredibly offensive.

I'm actually rather partial to Jefforson's Bible myself.

Christ is the ultimate victim of name dropping, and people have somehow used his teaching to justify racism, sexism, homophia... all the major forms of prejudice.

You don't need organized religion to be loving, kind and accepting. Good people will do good things without religion. Evil people will do evil things without religion. It seems that good people require religion to do evil things.

I have no issue with spirituality and encourage people o believe what they will, so long as their beliefs do not justify hatred and intolerance.

I actually wrote an article on this, entitled, "He Touched Me: or The Misadventures of an Aspie in Church."

You can get to it, and many of my other articles, by the link in my signature.

I also had very bad experiences with christians...and even though I believe in God, I tend to recoil when I am around christians.
Alot of christians seem to put more emphasis on judgment than faith...and like tracker said, he may have had some very negitive experiences at the hands of those who "believe" that you dont know about. Maybe you should talk to him about that. It is a painful reality for many aspie athiests and aspie believers alike.

I remember in school one of my bullies was a christian. But I found ways to get back for tormenting me.
Within earshot of her, my boyfriend and I had a fake conversation about vampirism and what blood tasted like....just to freak her out enough to leave me alone. It actually worked.
It took me a while into to it figure that one out though, the damage was done.

My church is the woods,,,I feel closest to God in the woods by myself.
I cant understand why ppl build manmade buildings and dress all upity for God either....I like to worship in the surroundings that God made. Of course, I believe in a sort of guided evolution so creation is continous and being in the myst of God's cretive process is alot more intimate with God than a building full of people overstimulating me.

Jojo

It's interesting to read all of the responses, especially the one about feeling fake because he has said that.

I should clarify.

The events we attend are generally not Christian. We are Native American and we go to a lot of social gatherings where there is feasting, singing, and dancing. He enjoys the time he spends there interacting with youth and adults on a one on one basis. He has a lot of freedom at these events to socialize with many different people. During these events he is very alive because he can make his own decisions about who to interact with and he has a lot of freedom to be socially independent in a safe and caring community.

Usually he spends a lot of time at these gatherings playing outside, too, and it's good to see him both unplugged and happy.

The events are generally made up of people from various religious backgrounds. People are accepting of different beliefs and values. It's frowned upon to evangelicize or try to convert people because it's understood that there are many different belief systems present. It's just protocol to have a prayer before eating or when something special happens.

I've come to terms with his atheist beliefs, however, I still do have my own beliefs and many of our family friends have their own beliefs, too. Their beliefs are often different than my beliefs, so it's a popular topic of discussion in our home. We are lucky in that adult family and friends treat him as an intellectual and listen to him when he chimes in and shares his thoughts.

Someone said that they avoid religious things. Maybe during the prayer part of these events I can invite him to take a walk or something and he can just skip that portion of the events.

There are other situations, though, where I am still at a loss in terms of what to do. For example, if he overhears a stranger talking in a public place (like the mall) it is not okay to eavesdrop and then loudly start expressing your own opinions within earshot.

We often talk these things out and come up with a set of guidelines for living harmoniously with others. I wonder if we should create one about religion.

Interesting, as it's usually Christianity that people reject and these people are drawn to a religion like yours!

In any case it seems to me like he is rejecting the religion unfortunately...he probably feels it is being crammed down his throat. Like others have said I'd just go easy on him and not force him to attend the events.

I can relate. When I was young, Christianity was forced on children. At school in morning assembly we were forced to sing hymns praising God or Jesus and to pray aloud. Those who refused or who were caught not singing or praying were removed and thrashed in the headmasters study with a cane. I'm speaking from first hand experience. This brutality turned me strongly against Christianity. It is only in subsequent years that I discovered a spiritual dimension myself and I actively followed Buddhism for a number of years. Now I am somewhere between Zen and atheist.

The more parents or society try to ram religion down a kids throat the more likely they are to reject it. Better to let them explore themselves and make up their own mind. I'm not saying the OP is doing that and I understand their angst at the situation. It is difficult for both parent and child. If the child has expressed that he is atheist then taking him along to religious services must be hell for him... I can see how I would feel in that situation... fiercely resentful to all those involved. This will make him even more antagonistic towards spirituality in general.

Would he be in to developing a mantra (for lack of a better term) that he could repeat to himself when he is in a situation like this to prevent him from feeling compelled to voice his opinion outloud to perfect strangers? Or possibly just envision himself blocking out the sound of their voices, like he could envision himself putting his fingers in his ears and letting his mind focus on something else. This may sound odd but I get panicy in public situations sometimes and I envision myself as a mom holding my own hand as I would my son's and telling myself that it is OK, that feeling scared is OK (for me, maybe for your son this could be feeling annoyed is OK) but that I am safe and that the feeling will pass.

Also, the thought crossed my mind that he might benefit from learning more about all types of religions in a textbook sort of way. Non-fiction type books that one might read in an anthropology or comparative religion class might be good. Perhaps if he learned more about it in an objective sort of way, he might find it easier to just live and let live where other people and their religions are concerned.

i have to say, that is an extremely offensive statement, both to atheists and autistics. it sounds as if you are saying some autistics are atheist because part of their brain isnt working right. on the contrary, many studies show a correlation between atheism and higher intelligence in comparison to religious belief, therefore the opposite would be true; their brains would be working exceptionally well and above average.

i tend to internally react as the op's son does, but am tactful enough to keep it to myself. i often find religious references to be an assault on my sensibilities, in large part because those references are EVERYWHERE. you cannot escape them. and if you are very solidly atheist, it can be quite difficult to be bombarded by religion and expected to just keep your mouth shut. to look at it from the child's point of view, he is expected to not say anything, but everyone else is allowed to say what they want to say about religion. it is a conflict in his eyes.

we know that asd kids tend to be logic oriented, and have difficulty accepting falsehoods. they often cannot abide someone saying, believing, or doing something wrong, so much so that often they feel not just obligated but compelled to correct the belief or behavior. therefore when confronted with something they believe so strongly is WRONG, an asd atheist child is going to be hard pressed to just swallow their words and let it go.

the solution would be to not put him in those types of situations. just like when their senses are overwhelmed by noise or texture, you cant always expect them to withhold their reaction. hopefully in time he can learn to modify his reactions, at least on the outside.

btw, my SO reacts physically like op's son to such things, whether its christianity, psychics, ghost believers, whatever. he simply cannot stand any of it. makes it hard to watch tv with him in the room cause i love
"woo-woo" shows =P i have to threaten him with violence to keep him from sighing and snorting and commenting the whole time i am watching something like medium.

This thread is intriguing to me. While I do not have AS I must admit to sharing some of what is being described here-although I don't believe my feelings of discomfort about religion come from being an atheist. However, I have always been extremely uncomfortable in religious situations-that is not to say I do not highly enjoy discussing or debating god or religion, however the dogma of religion-the rituals, etc-make me extremely uncomfortable. I don't go to church or weddings or funerals because I cannot stand to be immersed in the atmosphere-it's just VERY uncomfotable for me. I don't quite understand it myself but people praying around me-even around the dinner table or something makes me very uncomfortable. Is it because I don't believe in what they are saying? Well no-I believe in an intelligent designer so to speak as I see beauty and the delicate nature of everything. However, it is the cult-like rituals surrounding religion that make me very uncomfortable.

It is extremely disconcerting to those that are not believers in that dogma to be immersed in it. It feels as offensive as it probably would to a Christian being at a Black Magic or Voodoo ceremony (probably a bad analogy).

My suggestion would be to allow your son to excuse himself from these situations and not require him to attend religious services or events. If his discomfort is as powerful as mine I somewhat see it as abusive to REQUIRE someone to endure something that is so contrary to ther constitution-especially if he is a person who is passionate about his own beliefs.