Hello, some of you may have no idea who I am but for those of you who do I have had a really horrible thing happen in my life. I know that I have spoken about my oldest son who turned 24 a lot. He has been a challenge since he was very young. He had early onset bi polar disorder and possibly Aspergers. He developed a drug habit around age 13, his father was abusive and we left, it was hard for me to care for him and my two daughters (I now have two younger children with my husband of 10 years my son 9 with Aspergers like me and my daughter 6 with classic autism).
My oldest son had been in and out of jail, prison (nothing ever violent just theft for drug money). He has been clean for two years, part of which he was in prison. When he got out he lived in a sober living house, he got a good job and was very serious about staying clean. He was a heroin addict and I know that only 1% of heroin addicts stay clean without assistance like methadone, ect. I really believed that he would be that 1% because he had become so passionate about it. His sponsor said he never met anyone who wanted it so bad but you could tell he was scared and vulnerable. He called me nearly every day and my parents and his sisters. He had a very close friend and he spent a lot of time with her as we (his family) all had moved away from California where he had to stay because of his parole.
We were all so happy that he had changed so drastically and we believed that he was really going to do it this time. He started having some problems. He started dating a girl who he was in love with, she thought she was pregnant and he was very excited. When she found out she wasnt she dumped him. I kept asking him if he was ok and he kept telling me that he was but his sober living house parents were worried that he had changed after that. He also started gambling and he was falling behind on his bills and got a speeding ticket. I found all this out after we got the call from my Dad (I live in France) to tell us that my son was dead. He overdosed on August 14th in his friends bathroom. She had no idea that he had anything and when he wouldnt open the door in the morning she thought he was playing with her because he was a practical joker. When she forced the lock open instead of him jumping out at her she found him laying face down on the floor.
We were told by the medical examiner that it is very common for addicts to overdose after then had been clean for an extended period of time. They think that they still have the same tolerance. My son injected into his leg so no one would see the needle mark so we know that it was an accident but he knew he took that risk by using for the first time (he was tested by his sober living house so they know he was clean) behind a locked door all alone. I dont know why he didnt talk to someone, I dont know why he did it. I had him cremated and my Mother has his ashes for now and will bring them to me as I was too ill to fly back to the US.
I cant explain how horrible and painful it is to loose a child only those of us who have know. I dont really want to talk about it too much but I just wanted to let those of you who know me why I havent been here and when I talk about my son being gone when that might come up I just wanted people to know what had happened. He was a sweet, loving, non judgmental person, he loved me and always called me Mommy even though he was 6 foot 4 and 200lbs. He saved a boy from burning to death when he was 14 and risked being taken to jail to stay with a girl who he didnt know who had overdosed until the police and paramedics arrived. He did a lot in his short 24 years and he could have done so much more but Heroin stole him away from me. If you have an addictive personality It is an evil drug that will steal your soul and imbed itself in your brain forever.....for years after it is still there and it makes a person weak with the want and need of it. Please watch your older children for signs of drug abuse and please educate yourself on drugs. Heroin is becoming very popular because it is cheap and it gives people a euphoric feeling. Actually one of the few condolences I have is that the last thing my son felt was a euphoria....it does not make up for the loss of him by far but it does help and you take any condolence you can find.
Sometimes I get really angry with the system. Prison has become the new mental institutions. These kids need help not to just be locked up and then let back out on the streets to use again. My son put himself into the sober house and he wanted more, he kept asking if there were any other treatment he could get. No one seems to want to help. We have been fighting to get help for years. Bi Polar disorder is an illness, addiction is an illness....the prisons and jails have just become a warehouse for these people and kids. Yes there are criminals but there are also people who could benefit from help and they supposedly have all these programs, who gets them? If they would have let my son go to Arizona with my parents he would still be here, he needed our support. My Dad is a recovered addict, fortunately the addiction gene skipped my brothers and I but it hit my son.....he was hard core from such a young age. He just couldnt deal with emotional pain. My Dad said he picked up my son from Prison and he took him to the sober house and got him set up and he said it was so hard for him to drive away and leave him there. He said he looked like a scared little boy and my Dad said he cried for the first few miles back home. My son was scared and he knew that he needed more help but we all give him credit for fighting so hard!
Not a day goes by that I dont cry, Im crying now so Ill have to stop talking about my son for now.
I am also very sick still with my autoimmune disease as I mentioned. My spine is bending inward due to my disease and the artificial disk that Im told was way to large to be put in my spine. This is causing serious nerve damage that will be permanent. I will be having surgery again soon to stabilize my spine. I take anti inflammatory meds and anti-tnf medication (humira at the moment but Im going to be changed to Remicade) I also am forced to take pain meds because the nerve pain is unbearable. I can not sit for more than five minutes and I have to use a cane or a wheel chair to get around depending on how long I will have to stand or walk. My daughters school is half a block down the street so I walk her to school but it is getting more and more difficult.
On the more positive side my younger kids are doing very well. My 9 year old son is in a specialized school where he is not being bullied anymore like last year. My daughter is doing really good in school even though her communication skills are more like a two or three year old and she gave us a huge scare not long ago when she "escaped" so she still has the no fear issue that I thought was gone she is still the first one done with her school work and is ahead of most of the kids academically. She may not know what the words she writes and reads mean but she does very well writing (in cursive I might add) and reading. They both have therapy several times a week as well. I have two home aides that are here twice a week to do cleaning, laundry and help with the kids. My daughter also has a full time aide at school. My 21 year old daughter moved to Florida with her boyfriend and they both have jobs and are doing well. My 19 year old daughter lives in Arizona and we finally found out what is causing her physical and even sudden mental decline. She has a chronic disease called POTS syndrome. We still have not found a doctor to treat her but she is seeing a gastro doc tomorrow.....hopefully they will send her to a cardio doc afterwards. Of course loosing their brother has been hard on all my kids aside from my youngest who does not understand.
Im very thankful for my four kids that I still have here on earth with me and Im thankful for my husband who has been beyond understanding, loving and comforting. He does just about everything for us....he even comes home and night and makes dinner when I cant get up which is becoming more frequent.
I miss coming in here to WP and posting, it is the best place for me to get support so with all that out of the way, its nice to be back!
06 Nov 2011, 11:38 am
