how to move forward?

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I am new here although I joined WP years ago, I need some advice I hope thats ok as this will now proceed to be all about our troubles rather than celibrating my wonderful unique son, as I´m worried about how to move forward. I´ll give some brief history, my son is 18 with possible aspergers. His interest is learning all he can about the 13th century. He has been self studying history for years now but has no formal qualifications as he is very specialised in his interest there´s alot of interet in weapons which he has been making a log of names uses ect-. I have to push him so hard just to get up in the morning as his studying or gaming takes him until 3 in the morning. He preferes the night as he likes his privacy. When I ask him to help me with anything it takes more effort to persuade him than for him to do the task. I try to make his life more interesting he has guitar lessons practices karate sometimes horsriding plays table tennis but he always fill in the gaps staying in his room on the computor. The real problem in his life is this game total war shogun it takes him straight to the world he preferes to be in we dont know how we can stop him wasting all his life on itshould I be the seeking professional help of a family psychologist, I´d appreciate your advice.

Well from what you've said it seems to me he only plays this game when not studying history, at guitar lessons or karate practice, I mean it seems that's just what he likes to do on his free time. Have you tried expressing your concern to him? and seeing what he thinks? that's is what I would recommend. Not sure there is really anything a family therapist could do.....about it other then the same thing.

The video game is not necessarily a waste of time. I've gotten lost in games in the past and I've found that they can be learning tools. It sounds like he is pretty well rounded - especially with his interest in 13th century weapons. His interest in the game will play itself out. I don't know the whole story, but from what you said I don't think professional help is necessary.

I'm not sure from your post: is he eating, going to school or working, keeping up on normal self-care and housekeeping? Is he totally isolated (does he have contact with other people within his obsessions?)

I can see where this obsession would be something to address if so. Otherwise, I'd agree with the above posters.

I know what you are talking about. My son is so interested in his special interests that it is hard to tear him away from them to do the things he has to do. My son is also much younger which makes it easier in someways, and harder in others.

We distinguish between things that have to be done and things that don't. Eating, sleeping, school/school work, errands that we have to take him to, and minimum hygiene activities are "have tos." That means when he balks we explain why it is a necessity (hopefully it will sink in, and he will be more accepting, eventually) and make him do it. We may offer flexibility about when and sometimes let him multitask with special interests, but these things have to be done.

When it comes to "want tos" we are much more flexible. Many times we give him choices, or try to incorporate his special interests into other things, so he can get some exercise and maybe broaden his interests a bit.

Occasionally we make him do something someone else in the family wants to do, and we explain that other people's needs matter, too, and that we do nice things for him, and so he should let us do fun things, too. We keep these at a minimum, right now, and we try to make them as easy to sit through as we can, but he does need to know that some reciprocity is appreciated/needed when you live in a family.

I don't look at his special interests as time wasters. Most times he is learning something either academically or about the world. Even when they aren't constructive in that way, I don't mind because other kids have downtime/time wasters, too. My son's are just different, and that is OK.

Games can be a time suck. I like games, too, more so than my son at this point. As long as your son is doing his "have tos", I don't think it is bad. The main thing is that he does the "have tos." NT kids waste a bunch of time at the mall for no reason, but because that is typical (and social) people do not seem to object in the same way they do to video games. I would rather use my imagination in a game than waste time looking at stuff I may or may not want to buy, and may or may not want to waste money on.

Edited to add: I noticed you said he is doing karate and guitar, also, so it sounds like he gets some physical activity and is not totally hibernating. That may be all the extra outside world stuff he can manage.

I think it's okay. Perhaps he should major in History in college and become a museum curator for an arms exhibit.

Like this man:

Claremore museum curator featured on new cable series
The Claremore Daily Progress Fri Jul 01, 2011, 02:30 PM CDT

CLAREMORE — As curator for the J.M. Davis Arms & Historical Museum, Jason Schubert is no stranger to things that shoot.

But last month, Schubert was on the receiving end of a different kind of shooting — the kind done by a television camera.

Camera crews were in Claremore recently to shoot footage at the J.M. Davis Arms & Historical Museum, and interview curator Jason Schubert for segments on the cable series “MidwayUSA’s Gun Stories.”

Hosted by actor and gun enthusiast Joe Mantegna, “MidwayUSA’s Gun Stories” takes viewers through a firearm’s history, from the heart of the design through its use on the range.

“Each episode features a different firearm and explores its origins, with personal interest comments and insight from a variety of speakers and experts,” Schubert said. “They shot all of my segments in one day, just asking me different questions about kinds of guns and weapons, which will in turn be used throughout the season as the show focuses on different firearms.”

Using state-of-the-art, high-speed photography, “Gun Stories” looks at the operation and performance of each weapon, from classics like the Mauser bolt-action, to cutting-edge firearms like the Adaptive Combat Rifle.

Throughout the series, historians, shooters, trainers and industry experts place these weapons in their historical and social context, making “Gun Stories” a unique and definitive look at the history of firearms.

Although the “Gun Stories” crew was only in Claremore for three days, segments shot here will be used throughout the season, Schubert said.

“The camera crew also spent two days setting up and taking still shots of the different weapons throughout the museum, which will be used intermittently during the series’ 13 episodes this season,” he said.

So, does Schubert expect his appearance on “Gun Stories” to make him into a star?

“Oh, not really, no,” he laughed. “I was flattered to be asked to participate, and the experience itself was very enjoyable. I’m looking forward to watching the series — it will be interesting, informative, and even I will probably learn a lot from it.” “MidwayUSA Gun Stories” is broadcast on the Outdoor Channel.

You could unplug the main internet cable off when you want him to go to sleep. You could even take the router box with you to bed.

I live on my own with my fiance, and I wish someone would do that to me...


Well, that's because that's where he can research his special interest. Guitar lessons or tennis or whatever don't let him research his interest.
If you really want him to go out, you could tell him to go to the library, that way atleast he might get some socialization. BUT with all the activities he has, it looks like he has plenty of socialization already! If I were involved in so many activities, I'd probably stay up until 3 just to have time to myself too.


Does he want to go to all those lessons (karate, guitar, etc) or do you make him? If you make him, it's not surprising he researches his special interest at night.

With all those activities in his life, it doesn't sound to me like he is wasting his life, on the contrary it seems you have unrealistic expectations of him. He sounds like a normal person to me, even by NT standards. There is nothing wrong with playing games.

But if you're keeping his life so busy that he HAS to devote each bit of free time to his special interest or the game... you can see where I'm going.

It looks like it's you who needs psychologist help to adjust your expectations.

He needs to understand that he is 18 and has to take on certain responsibilities. At his age, he should know that he cannot depend on your good graces to provide him food, shelter and necessities without something coming back from him. When he finishes those responsibilities, his free time is his to do with as he chooses. That is the deal that comes with being a legal adult.

I would lay out the acceptable alternatives, based what you believe he is capable of, in terms of money-work-school-chores, and let him choose. But he must choose and stick with the agreement.

I'd also consider stopping dragging him out of bed and let him experience the natural consequences of failing to regulate his schedule, but since I don't know your son's unique strengths and weaknesses, it is hard for me to know if that is reasonable.

This. I think that I would be getting a little tougher - now that he is 18 - and taking away some of those perks if he doesn't do his share.

When I was 18 my dad bought me a car, an old car, but a car. He paid for my gasoline as long as I drove my grandmother anywhere she wanted to go, and I did his laundry. He worked in construction, so his laundry wasn't just a simple matter of throwing it in the washer. That was on top of the other chores I'd already been doing for a long time. We couldn't afford things like music lessons, horseback riding and so forth. Everyone in the house did their share. I personally think a lot of kids today are spoiled.

I would be cutting off the use of the computer after certain hours and tell him no more of the extras until he started doing certain agreed on chores when you want them done, not when he feels like it. I don't see why this would require a psychologist. Just be a parent.

thankyou for all of your interesting replies they really help. It sounds like I am on the right track already and I just have to keep at it with the disaplin it´s hard because after 18yrs I just want to relax rather than struggle to get him to do the things he has to do rather than the things he wants to do. Its true my expectations are high. If you listen to temple grandlin talk about her mother she is very thankful to her for those high expectations, She is a hero to me.
I liked the point about NT kids wasting time doing NT things like going to the mall.
I also wish he could find work to fit his passion like museum curator.
I am very grateful for those replies
dw a mum and spiritblooms I agree with your replies Its what Im aiming at will against will

Your expectations are NOT too high. You should have high expectations and NOT let him just do what he wants. He's legally an adult now so he has to learn to be one.

I have a 16 year old. OBSESSED with books. Locks himself in his room all day and reads. Sometimes I forget he's home. Spends any time outside the house at..you guessed it...the library. So now we're looking into colleges and he wants to study library science.

BUT, he has to take the garbage out every Tuesday, do the dishes EVERY night and help us when we need it. We're leveling the ground in the backyard for an above ground pool and he gave me attitude about having to help and I almost LOST IT on him. I make him understand that if he wants something he has to work for it so if he wants to enjoy the pool he needs to put in his part. If he doesn't do his homework for whatever reason, then he's not allowed to go to the library after school. He used to have a habit of taking a STACK of books with him wherever we went. I made a rule that he was only allowed to take one and no reading when we're out to dinner. Now, ON HIS OWN, he stopped taking books with him. Granted...I'll catch him reading on his iPhone every now and then...but still, he's engaged with us and isn't sitting there with a book in front of his face. I don't allow phones on the table during dinner either.

I think your son should try to get a job at a museum where they have 13th century weaponry. Our kids have very specialized interests so we have to find them very specialized jobs/careers. For me that means that the closest college that offers Library Science is 2 hours away so he'll have to dorm. Lord help me!

Stay the course...but you need to let him know what's expected of him. And once he does those things, he can do whatever he likes in his spare time.