Halfway wishing the cops would have seen me, public meltdown

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I lost it and took it out on my interest and myself.

My mother has been on a major control campaign since about 2009, about the time her baby boy got out of jail for his 2nd DUI and came back to live in the house after being kicked out umpteen times.

Anyway for Mother's day I tried to find the nicest card the $1 store had and wrote in it that I was coming to terms with AS. From her actions and speech toward me this morning I can almost guarantee she didn't even open the envelope. I've never used the 'C' word at her like Honey Boy who still drinks behind closed doors did, but all I do is keep remembering her every injustice against me that I'll never get to express, and it just goes around in circles until I wish I could call her a narcissistic "C" to her face.

The other day she 'complained' about the bathroom needing to be painted so I set about it after my waking up routine. She didn't like that and told me not to do ANYthing at all (housework wise) UNTIL I was TOLD. The feedback loop keeps taking me right back to when I was 8 and pulled that sh on me then. When it comes down to it she wants her aspie scapegoat and the contributor, to have her cake and eat it too.

I went out to the garage and started to work on my interest as quietly as I could since she decided she didn't want my help. I wasn't bothering a soul and she felt the need to barge into my personal space and bait me into being wrong in her eyes, claiming I let oil get on her sweater. I genuinely did not see anything and she HISSED at me to look again. My anxiety level was already through the roof from her first hand of Liar's Poker. I had to slink past her to get into my room and self injured briefly

I pulled myself together and planned a short trip out of the house, seeing as how she pissed all over my campfire for the day, never mind being insensitive, unsupportive and on the threshold of abusive

I bugged out and the ride started to calm me a bit though I was in the panic fog. I looked up a friend and had a short visit, and started to make my way back to meet a new client that I ended up having to postpone. On the return trip my fuel hose came off several times, the drive bet started to fray and whip, then the ignition refused to keep the engine running. 1 incident is an inconvenience, 2 incidents evoke Mel Gibson, guess where 7 or 8 gets you! And the cherry on top was it was all happening right in the middle of 100s of kids leaving school, everyone stopping and staring. Thankfully I didn't self injure until I got home, though I did loudly vocalize my distress in inappropriate words and punt the machine down an embankment

As for my mother I;m resigned to the fact she rarely apologized in the past, and at no time ever in the present. I feel a lot like that Rebel poster, I may have to run out of here with my head on fire at some point or I'll end up sharing a cell with the drummer from Derek & the Dominoes

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten inappropriately angry at inanimate objects. Especially cars/vehicles that don't behave. But I wouldn't feel too embarrassed about it, its not like you pushed one of those kids down the embankment (btw hope your machine is ok). I think that you needed to get your anger at your manipulative mother out one way or another, and the uncooperative bike was just asking for it.

I just hope that you felt a little bit better after you let off some steam. Yea, people saw, but really they're just a bunch of gawker NTs, they'll forget about it as soon as they see a shiny object. Don't self-injure over this. I know about being in a place where that's the last, best way to get relief, but save it for the really heavy stuff. Get to a therapist if you can, although I can attest that there are a lot of barriers to that.

But, if nothing else, know that we've been there. Aspie life is hard, there's no two ways about it. It's so incredibly hard, and I don't think that non-aspie people really get that. I've tried to tell people that everyday experience for us is like taking a calculus exam for them- it requires that level of concentration. I don't think they get it.

I am 49 years old. I have been back living with my parents since October 2008. This after living on my own for more than twenty-five years. And yes, it has been damn difficult at times. I have more issues with my father who is a bully in different tricky ways. I tell myself not to be drawn into downward spiral arguments but it's a real struggle.

It is a difficult economy for a lot of people, particularly for those of us who are different in any way. It is not a just economy. Not near as much as it could be. I compliment you on your activity of building up a client base. I have been trying to build up a tutoring business, but these days I don't have too much enthusiasm in it.

I'm going to something different on self-injury. In zen-like fashion, maybe don't fight directly against it. Maybe pick a less severe self-injuring. And at the same time try and get other things going like running (which truth be told is also self-injuring just in a more socially acceptable way!). And also the metaphor that if you try and hold clay and squeeze too hard.