Fear of trusting,opening up...

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Hello,

I'm an NT female (it looks as though people here list themselves as either AS or NT, so for want
of a better 'label') who's received really good advice here before. I am trying to understand
a man who probably has AS. We are deadlocked on moving forward. He won't trust me or open
up with his feelings. I can hardly get him to talk about anything emotional. I've been reading up on the problems/differences people with AS have with emotions, touching, showing empathy, etc. This problem was addressed here not too long ago. I know that no two individuals are alike, but can any Aspies explain to me what this 'sensory overload' feels like? I have told the
man I've been involved with that I need certain things when I'm hurting, depressed,etc. ie a hug,
kind words, but even then get no response ususally. I try to show caring and affection, but I don't even know if this person can feel that. It doesn't help that we are in a long-distance relationship. It seems as if this site has mainly teens and young adults (we're middle-aged) but
I don't know who else to ask. I don't know how much more of this emotional distance I can take. I really care for him, and he says he cares for me, but this refusal of his to try and open and show anything is really,really hurting me. I have so much to give to him, but I feel as if he doesn't even want it.

Sensory overload is what happens when we have too much on our mental plates. Think of it like a giant reservoir that fills as the day passes, if we don't get alone so we can empty we get overloaded. I get angry like most aspies but your BF seems to be a zombie. The best thing you can do for him in this state is leave him alone or just turn on his favorite music (Always helps unload me) Touching and speaking to him will slow down recovery.

As you said ofcourse ever aspie is different but I will try to give some ideas..

The aspie might not be clear on his own emotions.. So he might actually be in need of your attention but not recognizing that yet..One thing you can try is to tell him if you dont give me enough attention then I will stop doing "X" with you.. and X is something you both enjoy doing together.. if this didnt work move to the next step and actually stop doing that activity with him...and see how he reacts...

Now most AS people are sensitive to cricisim...so you have to be careful doing this to avoid him getting the wrong idea and thinking that he is not good for or that you no longer care for him...

I'll throw in my own two cents worth as well in hopes it'll help you:

For sure, when he's having a sensory overload, let him calm down before trying to talk to him or touch him. I can say first hand that trying to get across to him while he's upset or touching him will make matters worse. I'm -still- trying to get this across to my NT parents and sister. Also, Aspies tend to be emotionally blind, meaning they have a hard time telling how others feel. You might wanna try telling him how you feel and what you need when you feel that way at the moment you're feeling it. It sounds like a lot of work, yes, however, it does help us Aspies out who are blind to other people's emotions. When he is calmed down, sit down and talk to him about your needs by being as clear and as specific as possible. Abstract terms really throw some Aspies off. Here's an example of what you might wanna try to say to him:

"When I'm feeling depressed, hurt, etc., I would really appreciate it if you gave me a hug, said some kind words to me, etc."

Also, I find that using contradictory terms like "but" can be really upsetting to Aspies. I know it upsets me when my mom says "I love you, but..." as I see it as contradictory and everything that was said before "but" pretty much becomes invalid to the rest of the sentence for me and nonexistant. I find that "however" is a better substitute for "but". You might wanna try that as well.

Again, I can't stress enough how important it is to be honest with him, explain things to him as concrete and as simple as possible, and just be patient with him. Be willing to work with him and stick by him without smothering him to death. When he needs space, give him that space. When he's ready to talk, listen and give him advice when he's said what he's said. When he is speaking, don't interrupt him. Let him finish with what he has to say, then speak if you have something to say.

Do keep us posted on how you two are doing, okay? I, personally, hope you two will be able to work things out for a happy, healthy relationship, and I'll be more than happy to give more advice when/if it's needed.

The rewards can be very great.

If you can have the patience, you might find he is extremely loyal, and extremely loving!

If you'd really like to understand your Aspie man, it would be helpful if you'd go to the library and check out some books on the subject. Yes, all people are different in how they react to things.

Here is my experience in regards to your request for advice.

Aspies are loyal to those they love. You have to give him time to open up. By pushing him to open, you are pushing him away. If you can have a little patience, you may get the relationship that you want with him. Myself being someone with AS, there are times I can't open up, and I'm a woman. I'd rather keep my mouth shut that risk losing the person I'm dating - especially if they are NT. Other Aspies understand meltdowns, sensory overload and what not. I think it's great that you want to know what that means. It shows you really do care about him.

Sensory Overload: For me, things that I see as negative build and build until I finally just get silent, put my headphones on, and need to be left alone. If I am not left alone when I need to be left alone, I ask to be left alone. If they keep trying to get me to talk, I will say mean things to get people to leave me alone, unfortunately. I'm sure you don't want that reaction. I can be overloaded by too many people in my face, being teased, my clothing, bad lighting, being tired, not having eaten well, and any combination of those. Feeling too many things at once makes me want to feel nothing at all. All of those feelings are intense for me and feeling too many of them at once, or the same one repeated honestly makes me want to go home and crawl under my bed. That makes me actually say, outloud, "I hate people." Which of course makes people want to run away from me. I should add a little more to that sentence and say, "I hate people when I want to be alone." When I don't want to be alone, I like SOME people.

You have to be patient. He's not hiding emotions from you because he doesn't like you. He's hiding them because he doesn't want to scare you off. Please, please, please be patient with him. If you force it, he will hate himself for not telling you things when he wants to tell them to you. He will know he only told you because you asked and not because he was willing to give you his thoughts. (This happens with me a lot.) When someone forces feelings out of me, I will emotionally push that person away and eventually stop speaking to them.

I know this response probably sounds really rude or arrogant of me, but I'm just trying to give you some perspective even though I'm a woman - that's why I hide my feelings from my significant other. I'm 32 - so not a kid.

I feel for you. I really do. My ex used to tell me all the time he thought I didn't love him. It hurt very badly for me to hear that when I knew in my heart I did love him and still do to a certain degree. He couldn't see that the things I was doing were because I loved him. I couldn't understand his needs either. He would tell me that he was feeling down. Unless he elaborated or asked me for advice, I would just consider this a statement.

Are you trying to make him pick up clues of things you expect him to do when you say you're depressed? It's going to take a little bit of work on both parts. If you ask him if he can listen and give advice (if he's not overloaded) and he responds to that, after talking for a bit, you can then ask him for a hug. Don't expect that he will know - uh oh, key word depressed = me saying hug. If you don't ask politely for what you need, he's not going to be able to just guess at it. Be considerate of his needs as well. Make sure that he's willing to listen when you need to talk - don't always assume because he's quiet that he wants to be alone. Just respect him enough to ASK if now is a good time because you need to share something with him or need advice, etc.

If he represses a part of himself, it will build up, until he won't be able to have any control of his anger etc.

Its probably for this reason that he is keeping his emotions away from you, for your own safety, at least until he's sure you wont be pushing each other all the time.