This need to control...

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... is exhausting draining me. And she especially wants to control 'every'thing I do. From what I wear to where I stand/sit to when I do the bed... everything and all the time! Yesterday she was dictating where I should look!! ! Mumma look at the wall, don't look at me. And while she is at it, she will whine and yell and throw such an unreasonable tantrum that I am at a loss on how to handle it. I have reasoned, ignored, argued, been lenient and stubborn about it, taken action, had a good laugh, everything and each has or hasn't worked to varying degrees. I am hoping it is a phase. Do ASD kids "grow out of" such behavior? I am so worried how she will be when she is much older. It will be hard for her.

She is 4yrs. And she does well at a regular preschool... with the structure and other kids around who together keep her in check. She goes there for half a day. Do you think I should increase school hours and let her be there? They have so many cool activities there and she seems to manage fine. My concern is I will lose out on my way of connecting with her if she is out there too much. Not that it is working too well right now :/

Also would like to hear on how you are dealing with your child's need to control... what is working, what isn't.

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Mother of a beautiful 4yr old girl with Autism.
My cartoon strip on Autism http://growingupwithautism.com/

Hi, You say your daughter goes to preschool half a day. Is that several days a week or just half a day a week? Sorry to ask, all places are so different. At 4 my daughter was attending nursery (as we call it here) 4 mornings a week. That was adequate for her and me. She loved it and would probably have been happy for me to extend the hours, but I liked having a free day with her, to do as we pleased. At 4 1/2, she went to school, 9am-3pm, 5 days.

All children are different, but I have a positive story, with regards to behaviour. Just a few months ago, everything got so much easier, almost overnight. I addressed a few sensory issues and I don't know if that's the cause or if she has just matured. Anyway, things are really good now. Today was a bit of a test. It was hot and sunny and, when I collected her from school, she spoke about filling the paddling pool and I agreed. So, as soon as we got home, I got the hose out. But, the connection to the tap snapped and there was nothing I could do to fix it. So, she went on and on about finding a way to fill it. The only way was with a bucket and, as the tap is nowhere near the back garden, that was not an option. She was crying and screaming about it. Eventually, I said, 'That conversation is over'. She burst into tears and went to her room. A short time later, she came to me with some art work she had created (whilst in her huff) and all was well. I phoned Daddy, to see if he could pop into a shop on the way home, to get a fixing, which he did. The paddling pool is now filled and the two of them are still running around outside. Happy family.

I hope it gets better for you soon too.

Mummy of Peanut, your second paragraph reads like a fairy tale soooo nice

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Mother of a beautiful 4yr old girl with Autism.
My cartoon strip on Autism http://growingupwithautism.com/

You're right: it's totally exhausting. I am guessing that the flip side of it is that she is totally disoriented in the world, and is seeking to make sense of it by directing it; it's probably exhausting for her, too. I do remember when my son was a preschooler, he would scream and sob whenever I went to the bathroom, even if it was for a minute - he definitely grew out of that, but it did take time.

Have you looked at this article? It's about meltdowns, but I think it might also explain what's going on with your daughter: http://www.oneplaceforspecialneeds.com/ ... utism.html

She also probably doesn't have any idea about personal boundaries, so maybe setting up a system of "DD choice time" and "Mommy choice time" will help let her know that you have your own needs, thoughts, and feelings?

momsparky, you are right, we did change a few things the last few months. we have been gradually doing away with visual schedules, training her on surprises, doing a few unexpected things. All this she has taken well and I have been thrilled about it. But possibly control is a reaction to these changing situations. She has always wanted to control but last few months it has increased in intensity and frequency. She maybe doing well on each challenge we tried with her but overall being frustrated... hmmm thanks for opening a window in my mind

_________________
Mother of a beautiful 4yr old girl with Autism.
My cartoon strip on Autism http://growingupwithautism.com/

Ugh, my son does this too. Light ON! Light OFF! Mommy STOP! ... GO!! STOP! GO!! Cookies! "no." COOKIES! "no." COOOKIEESSS!! ! I do what you do and mix it up depending on how obnoxious he's being and how irritable I'm feeling. If he's being cute about it I'll play along occasionally doing the opposite of what he wants to get a playful rise out of him and to remind him that he is not in control. When it's something non-negotiable (like having cookies instead of dinner) and it becomes apparent he isn't going to stop my default is to ignore him or close him in his room until he gets quiet. I reeeally hope it's just a phase.

Edit: Sometimes I use it as an opportunity to remind him to say "please" too.

I have a friend who has a neurotypicl daughter, and she has started to do something similar. What she's been doing is imitating the teachers at her daycare, because they tell all the children what to do. She'll say things like "come here, sit down, stay right there, because those are the rules!". It's funny at first, but her parents are getting annoyed because she does this constantly. So it may just be that your daughter is imitating someone in her environment. Maybe not, I don't know, but at least you know it's not just kids with ASD's who do this. I'm sure it's a phase. I wouldn't give into it though, I think that would just encourage it.

I will tell you this: you will get used to it and it won't bother you as much in the future.

My daughter is nine and still must control/dictate everything. It is in response to anxiety. Just try to take a breath and remember anxiety creates the need to do this-they don't want to have to do it as much as you don't like it. My daughter constantly has to keep tabs on what I am doing. It's exhausting!

I read the first paragraph and just KNEW you had to be talking about a four year old.

It is a phase, and the severity of it is compounded by the ASD, but non-ASD kids often go through versions of it, too.
They believe that control will bring security. But, the thing is, it doesn't really. It's the natural way to try and feel you have some power, but that doesn't solve whatever is causing the negative feelings behind the behavior.

I used to try to address the fear head on and then draw a kind but strong line in the sand about how far I would go with placating the need to feel in control.