Find Me a Wife

Post Reply New Topic

I'm an Aspie in my middle twenties and have been searching for a spouse for years. I've gone about this in the traditional way, looking for a date first, and then a relationship, and hopefully after a sufficient period of mutual evaluation, becoming engaged. Nothing out of the ordinary in that respect, other than perhaps the mild oddity that I've generally always dated with an eye towards and the goal of finding a wife rather than dating for it's own sake, and that it's something that is very important to me -- probably an Asperger's "special interest", given the high levels of time and energy I've put into it, and the extremely high importance which I place on it.

Partly this stems from being a romantic guy. I've always enjoyed sappy love songs or love stories and am a sentimentalist in some respects, despite my somewhat logical and formal autism inspired qualities. I also really just enjoy the idea of having somewhat special around whom I'm in love with and who is in love with me and just being able to grow old together and share our lives and to have a very open and honest level of communication and intimacy. There is also the fact that I enjoy physical affection like cuddling and kissing and even sex, which is only odd because touch tends to make me very uncomfortable outside of romantic relationships (I always avoided shaking hands or hugging people from the time I was old enough to feasibly manage until the time I started dating, but then became very affectionate within relationships).

The problems I've run into are several-fold. To begin with, it should be noted that I have some other physical and neurological issues in addition to Asperger's. Like Asperger's, they're nothing immediately obvious, but the combination of them all renders me unable to sustain employment. Obviously, that hurts my chances in terms of love and romance in and of itself, but my Aspie traits and so forth make it worse. People find themselves expecting me to change, and relationships never move on to engagements, despite sometimes getting fairly intense, because women just can't handle the employment situation or my literalness or desire for routine (etc.) in the long run. And there are a lot of mutual misinterpretations and so forth, I don't pick up on subtleties and tend to have high standards in terms of honesty, etc.. Plus, in all fairness, I'm not exactly a "hunk".

Since this is something that has a great deal of importance for me, obviously I've explored all the avenues I can. I've spent 5-6 years on dating sites aggressively searching people out and this, that, and the other. And employed all sorts of different strategies. But I think it's become fairly clear that nothing traditional or even Internet-agey is working. My odds are slim, but at the same time I do feel I have something to offer as a husband -- I'm honest, loyal, romantic, and maybe even interesting if people share some of my interests (Which include electoral politics, history, sociology [In a vague sense, not specific to the actual field, just thinking about sociological type of interests], sports, science fiction, etc.).

Probably 6-8 months ago I reached a bit of a crossroads, though. I pretty much reached the conclusion that this wasn't happening for me. I'm fairly intelligent and put in enough time and effort and study to where I think it's reasonable for me to come to a conclusion about my long term chances. At the same time, though, since finding a soulmate has been my top priority and dream in life, and I'm an Aspie completely with the high-intensity interests level and so forth, I find I can't consistantly let it go and just accept my situation and completely stop searching. I can stop searching for a while, but I still experience great sadless and frustration and slip back into searching again, at least half-heartedly.

So, I think the thing to do at this point is maybe to get some help in my search. Maybe someone can play yenta (I picked that term up from my Jewish friend. ) or matchmaker for me. None of my family would be willing to do this and my handful of friends tend to be fairly non-social like me, so they don't actually know enough people to do anything for me. I can't afford a matchmaking service and, even if I could, I doubt they'd know what to do with an autistic with other physical and neurological issues who expects to be unemployed for a long time.

I thought maybe tossing this out there on this forum might be worth a try. Would anyone be interested in helping me find a wife? Do you know someone who'd be perfect for me? Are *you* someone who would be perfect for me? Despite the provocative title of this thread, I'm actually just looking to start talking to someone with the idea of possibly meeting for a date and so forth -- *eventually* leading to marriage if all goes well. I wouldn't want to marry tomorrow. I figure between 6-18 months after beginning to converse with someone might be a good timeframe to consider engagement, roughly speaking, if things go well on both ends, to make sure there is true compatibility there.

What I'm looking for is a soulmate, so I couldn't just marry *anyone*, but at the same time I am open to considering a variety of different physical types and personality types to see what works. I've dated people in the past who were very different from each other, but equally compatible with me in different ways.

Last edited by CharmCityCrab on 24 Nov 2006, 10:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This thread may have gotten lost in the shuffle. I am posting this reply to move it up to the top of the lists of posts in this forum again. (Subtlety is not my strong suit. )

wish you the best of luck

Hi have you ever tried any of the dating sites? I'm looking for men too and have been since July. I found a few online. If I can't meet men in real life, I have to do it through the internet. I'm better at it online than in real life.

Actually, I've initially made contact with everyone I've been involved in a relationship with online (Not solely through dating sites, though I have had profiles on several for many years now). I usually try to progress to phone conversations fairly quickly, though, if people are willing. I think I'm a little bit more personable while speaking versus typing and I find I can generally get a more accurate read on how I'd feel about dating someone by interacting with her verbally.

A lot of folks find that it weird that I never just walk up to someone on the street and ask her out, but the reasons are probably fairly obvious to people on this site and I'd imagine is probably something that's fairly common for autistics. Dating sites and Internet still obviously aren't working great, but I think without them I'd probably never have gotten to the relationship stage at all with anyone. So I am very glad that I live in the era that I do.

I would prefer the online way myself, because there are a few criteria that a potential mate must meet, and meeting someone online provides an opportunity to find that type of person. I met my first girlfriend IRL, but I met my second girlfriend online. I plan to meet my third one online--just haven't found her yet.

Tim

In my case, in theory, I'd have no objection whatsoever to dating someone whom I met in person initially rather than having met online, it's just never worked out that way in matter of fact. I don't socialize much, and when I do it tends to be on a one to one basis, which doesn't leave much room for chance encounters. On the rare occasions where I am in a larger group, it tends to make me uncomfortable enough that I'm not exactly going to be at my best in terms of attracting a mate.

I suppose I could approach people randomly and ask them out, but I have a lot of social anxiety, so that's not likely (And even if I could manage to overcome that, it would probably be considered creepy and get poor results anyhow). And people never approach me randomly and ask me out. So, all in all, I'm lucky I have the Internet.

I do seem to do well enough on dates and am flirtaceous and talkactive, but then again, I'm usually comfortable with the other person involved in advance, because I've spoken to her on the phone several times and have gotten to know her a bit, and I know at minimum that she doesn't mind talking to me because of our preceeding phone conversations and her subsequently agreeing to a date.

In my opinion, (and I believe I am NT, married to a man with AS) your best bet for mutual happiness is to date a woman who is AS.

You mention that you have social anxiety, and also your employment history is erratic. Two things most NT wives value are socialising (at least somewhat - say, 1 or 2 times a month going out to a movie with another couple, or something like that...also having people over to your own home for movie watching, cards, dinner or whatever) - and financial security. They don't want to invest years of their lives only to lose their home. I don't know if the latter is also true of women with AS, I can only speak from my own experience.

My advice, as contrary as it may seem, is, do NOT pretend to be someone else. Don't flirt, be charming, etc., don't socialise more than you will want to in the long run, don't put on airs and graces that you know are not 'you'. Now, everyone does this to some extent when first meeting someone; but if you are so different from this that it's like fraud, then you'll only be wasting your time and their time in who you end up with. What will keep happening is, it will be OK for a time, but then your real self will come out and the relationship will be over.

OR, you might marry but both end up miserable and she will feel duped. I know because that is the situation I ended up in.

It's a cliche, but try joining clubs in which you have an interest - perhaps a woman there will have an interest in that also. Begin by asking her out for coffee or something in the daytime like that. Get to know each other bit by bit. Tehre are ways to just get someone up the aisle but you will end up feeling like you're in hell later, if it's not for real.

In other words, stop trying to think about how to snag a wife and start trying to think about how to truly have a partnership in life with a woman you feel is your equal, and who you wish to make happy. If she feels the same way you'll have a good chance of a happy marriage. If you pretend to be someone else just to get her to marry you, then revert to your ways making most NTs unhappy, she'll only resent you for it and you will likely end up divorced anyway. A waste of both your time in the long run.

So be yourself, keep up the online dating, oh, and even though you are romantic, wait a bit before sending flowers and mushy things to a woman you've met. It can scare some good women away. Romance should mean something, not just be something given to everyone.

Hope that helped you somehow. Only trying to save you trouble, and give you the bigger picture, as I see it.

PS - I assume you won't mind my asking you this, since you've asked strangers for help in your personal life. So I hope this won't be too personal.

Why do you want a wife?

Thanks for writing. You begin by saying:

I've never had a chance to date someone with AS, so I don't really have enough data to make a determination on whether I could be happier and bring more happiness to someone with AS versus an NT. I could see some things more easier and certain things being more difficult. Obviously, I'm open to the idea, or this would be a bad place to start a "Find Me a Wife" thread (Arguably, there may be no good place to start one of those, but I think you know what I'm getting at ). At the same time, I think my odds are slim enough that I don't think it's smart to rule out 99% of the population from the get-go, and there are some NT traits I actually prefer in the abstract, even though they might not be strictly necessary, so I am also open to dating more NTs.

A lot of people speak to me about narrowing my criteria, but I think it's best to cast a wide net if one's odds are at the "nearly hopeless" level. I have a few very basic fairly standard things that are non-negotiable and then beyond those I try to stay open to possibilities and see how things go. I've been pleasantly surprised sometimes while dating in the sense that I've found myself liking some traits that I wouldn't have pictured in an ideal mate before I got to know various women individually. If I constructed a lengthy and specific list of things I really needed in a mate, I'd both be unnecessarily narrowing my odds and also potentially missing out on an incredible love affair with someone who was incredible but different than I could have envisioned.



I think wanting security is a trait that all people have in common. Actually, it might be a stronger yearning for Aspies than society in general. We tend as a group generally tend to like routine and not like change, as you may have noticed with your husband. So, I think my lack of employability hurts me with everyone, unfortunately. I think I'm kind of screwed, to be honest, as I alluded to earlier. It's more or less hopeless, but I don't think I can quite give up for good on something so important to me. It might be one of those things where there just is no realistic chance for the outcome I desire and no realistic chance of putting it out of my head either.

The socialization thing is a good point. A larger issue perhaps is the reaction of someone's social network to me. People who date me generally get barraged by family and friends rather insistently telling them they can do better than me and just be rid of me posthaste. And since NTs generally tend to be heavily influenced by what their family and friends think to a large degree...



Actually, if I may somewhat immodestly say so, there is actually an element of charm and flirtaceousness that's a real part of my personality (Of course, sometimes I can also be irritating and irritable, but no one is charming *all* of the time ). It's fairly evident when I speak on the phone with someone I'm interested or I'm alone with her. To an extent it was learned behavior and I came to it later than most, but it is a true part of who I am. I don't care about many people, but when I do I care in a very intense and honest way, and, though I compliment a lot in a way that may seem cheesy to some, it is very sincere. I have had a few people who I dated long-term comment that I looked at them in a way no one else did and with a kind of sincere love and intensity that no one else seemed to have.

There really isn't a dishonest bone in my body. I have actually been told professionally that I am probably incapable of lying, in fact. So I would never intentionally misrepresent myself. In fact, I tend to point out potentially unpleasant information about myself very early on (Many people advise me that it is too early on in fact), because I want to make sure people know what they're getting into and could possibly love me for who I am. Now, with that said, people do often get disatisfied with me and dump me eventually, but it's usually because they don't believe what I tell them or just assume they can change me -- not much I can do about that, really, is there?



Honestly, this just isn't a good idea in my case, though I appreciate the suggestion. Clubs and me don't mix well for various reasons, and my interests tend to be male-dominated, in any event.



I am not sure where the distinction is in what you're saying. It almosts reads to me as if you said "Stop trying to snag a wife and start trying to snag a wife". I think maybe we're having a communications difficulty. Why is it that you assume I am just after giving a title to someone and not wanting a true relationship? If it will assuage your concerns any, it might help you to know that I lived with a girl for a while who at one point raised the idea of eloping as a possibility and I turned her down because the relationship was going poorly and I didn't feel a marriage would be a happy one or would last. Of course if I want a partnership with someone I love and respect and want to make happy. That's what having a wife, is, to me.

I am actually very romantic at heart, though I sometimes fail to express it properly. I guess where I differ from a lot of people is that I don't think a little planning and strategizing necessarily spoils the romance. I'm an Aspie, planning and strategizing is what I do. Besides, I kind of have to, given the barriers stacked up against me, hoping to bump into someone randomly who I love and who will love me in return is about as likely as the earth imploding in the next ten seconds or so.



Earlier in your post, you strongly argued that I should be myself and not pretend to be what I think people want. A lot of Asperger's Syndrome is defined by the intensity of our interests and passions, and they often come on strongly very quickly. So, if I'm being myself romantically, I'm not going to be saying "Eh, I don't know about you. Next date in two weeks time?" to someone for six months and not buying her flowers when I can afford them. I'm going to fall in love fairly quickly and intensely most of the time, if I do at all. That means saying mushy things and buying flowers (Finances allowing). Aspies don't really do "moderate interests" in generally, they're surpremely interested or barely at all, for the most part, with anything, whether it be a romantic interest or something like the history of plants.

Now, maybe I could almost fake disinterest in someone I liked for an extended period of time if I really tried very hard and found a way to phrase my words carefully so I wouldn't be lying. But if I did that, I'd be guilty of the same sort of dishonest "not being myself" trickery you told me not to do earlier in your post (Remember, as an Aspie, I'm not a neurotypical, so even though for an NT coming on strongly might be a sign that they're being fake, that is not true of many Aspies.). And when I say "maybe" I could do it, I don't mean there's much of a chance there. Literally, if I tried my very hardest to hide myself, I don't think I could. I'm very easy to read and very poor at holding things back. I sort of tried very early once in my dating history to pretend I didn't have strong feelings for a girlfriend and she saw right through it.



That's a complicated question and there isn't really one simple answer I can give you. There are a lot of factors involved. I genuinely feel more whole and at peace when I have someone to love and vice-versa. I want to be able to hold someone in my arms each day and to be with her as she gets older. I like the idea of being able to count on someone to be there, and to be there for her. I like the idea of being intertwined in someone's life narrative as if I'm her left hand and she's my right hand. I like the idea of the sort of companionship where we know each other will be there the rest of our lives. I want to be able to have someone accept me for who I am, who I can share my dreams and passions with and where they become something she wants for me, and I want to have someone who I can know fully in all of her depth and want her to live her dreams and so forth. I want someone I can make love to and hold hands with. And I want someone who will remember me when I die as the love of her life. I want to know that I've made that impact for the better.

Even just being able to be in love and smile at someone and to smile back at her, and to look into each other's eyes is a really special thing.

Maybe that sounds foolish or sappy, or maybe too logical and emotionalless, even (I can never tell how things will come off to neurotypicals, they always surprise me. ), but it's how I genuinely feel, and have for a long time. I think at some level, I always will. I don't think there are many people on this planet who having a soulmate who mean more to, even though I may express it oddly or seem to get lost in contemplation or special interests at odd times or whatever. I may not be able to play the social games that most NTs can play to attract a mate, or to express their love, but I feel like I love twice as much.

*CharmCityCrab subtlely bumps his thread back to the top of the forum*

Also would be willing to consider shorter-term relationships.

Find me a wife also.

I only have 2 criterion: 1) she is super-hot, and 2) she is filthy rich.

Hey man, stop trying to steal my thread.

Besides, don't you think your two criteria are a bit unrealistic and kind of besides the point (If you can't get along with something, who care how hot or rich she is?)? I'll take average looking, middle class, honest, loyal, and compassionate over hot, rich, dishonest, disloyal, and uncompassionate anyday.

A) I was joking, and B) I thought this was the "fine me a wife" thread (lol)


I was actually naming 2 traits that I'm NOT looking for.