Maybe someone can give me some advice before tomorrow

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I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. He asked me to marry him maybe half a year ago. I said yes, but the whole idea of being with one person for the rest of my life bothers me, even though I do want to have children someday. It's bothered me that he hasn't gotten me a ring when I said that I would be fine with a 25-cent ring from a vending machine as long as it was from him. It makes him angry that I'm not just wearing some old ring of mine on my finger until he can get me a "nice one". So... I haven't been wearing one (maybe this sounds silly but I don't even like the idea of dealing with another "thing" to think about, such as making sure my ring doesn't fall off, making sure I take it off when cooking, etc., so the less I have to wear jewelry the better).

This may be important to mention. At times I feel like he doesn't care about me or appreciate me, especially in the bedroom. Sex is only ever for his pleasure. Sex with him is no fun for me. He wants me to do "all the work", he gets off, and I never even get aroused. I've told him what makes me aroused and that sex hurts when I'm not aroused but he hasn't changed so I guess he just doesn't care. So there's that. On to my predicament...

I'm going back to community college after a stint away (I'm in my mid-twenties) and am in a Chemistry 1A class for science majors. There's a 19-year old guy who I hit it off with and we joke around in class. It never came up that I had a fiance/boyfriend and I didn't think about it being anything necessary to bring up but he's been commenting on my looks (such as saying that I'm pretty or that I look good today) and lightly touching me on my hand or shoulder and even once on my hip for a second ).

I don't know how to react. I've just been freezing up and the first several times basically ignoring it or trying to avoid dealing with it (I have a pattern of avoidance) and now I don't know how to bring up that I'm technically "taken" without making a mess of things.

The other thing is that even though the situation is awkward for me (I don't like people touching me unexpectedly) I'm flattered and enjoy the attention. My fiance and I are what you could call homebodies. He hates going out and wants to be around me all the time so we always stay home (I bend to his will in that aspect a lot, especially because socializing is so scary for me in the first place that it's easy for him to change my mind).

We met when I was only 18-19, so I think I'm just enjoying a part of my youth that I kinda missed out on when I was a teenager and was still trying to figure out how to behave socially around people I was attracted to (or any people, really). But I can tell that this guy likes me and I don't want to lead him on. It's not fair to him.

I don't flirt with people and I have a low sex drive (I assume that physical attraction is why people flirt, and I only get aroused when I'm in very close proximity to someone) but it's oddly easy to joke around with him and we have similar intellectual/academic/scientific interests and abilities which makes it even easier. Thinking about it, I do have a little crush on him. I know it's just a "crush" though, and I don't have any intentions of taking things farther than the "flirting" stuff, but I don't think it's ethical to allow the flirting if I know on my end that there's not going to be sex or a relationship or whatever at the end. Am I right? What should I do?

The fiance sounds like a dud to me, and I think to you too.
If I were you (which I'm not) knowing only what I know from this(which is not the complete picture.) I would dtmf (dump the mother f**ker) and find someone who gives a darn about your sexual satisfaction, not causing you physical pain!, and what you care about.

This guy literally, knowingly causes you pain in the interest of satisfying his sexual wants...what the hell!?! What are the mitigating factors that make you put up with that?

I'd also like to know the answer to that question. How did you get into a serious relationship with that guy?

And that's how he acts when he's trying to get you to marry him.

(1) You should break up with that. You can do better. Alone is better than that.

(2) If you need a relationship/ new love interest waiting in the wings to engineer a breakup, then you should have one.

your fiance sounds narcissistic. find someone who can love you in a healthy way.

For the first 4 years I had about zero sex-drive, and had trouble getting much pleasure out of sex. I could make myself orgasm sometimes if I tried really hard but since I didn't really get to the point where I had a physical desire to try doing it, it was unimportant to me. It's only in the past year when I started taking Welbutrin that I've actually gotten "horny".

It's only within this year that I've become interested in sex and read that the vaginal canal elongates when a female is turned-on, and Im'm usually not turned-on and that is the reason why sex is painful sometimes for me. I had always just assumed that it was just something to do with my personal physique and dismissed it. Sex was just a chore for me for the most part anyway unless I was really drunk.

The fiance/boyfriend has had 3 dislocated knees and a severely sprained ankle over the course of 3 years, so I think he's accustomed to just having me "hop on" and take care of him since he couldn't do much while injured. So I think he's been Pavlov'd and accustomed to a certain way of doing things, and me too . His last knee injury is better, so the whole sex thing is something I need to bring up with him again and be firm on. We have a decent relationship together and things work well for the most part; this is an area in which we have some disconnect but it is an exception in regards to our overall relationship.

My immediate concern is related to how to interact with this guy in school, because I know that ignoring his advances is not the healthy way to handle things.

The faults have all been spelled out clearly. Maybe before dumping him, give him the clear message that what he's doing is NOT working for you and he needs to do things differently (be specific) or things will have to end. This might be better done in a letter than in person, but discuss it later. PLEASE keep it short and sweet... not [Ross voice] "rambling on for 18 pages... FRONT AND BACK!!"

Even if nothing changes, at least the breakup won't be some complete shock to him and he'll know exactly why.

He may not deserve it - but you'll have done the right thing.

Be friendly - you enjoy his company and flirting, right? But the next time it's "more than friendly" you should do the honest thing and mention something along the lines of "I like your company but you should know I have a boyfriend/whatever at the moment..."

At least he'll know where you stand, espeically if he's hoping for a girlfriend and/or some "nookie."


...hmmm... on second thought, maybe casually mentioning your boyfriend in conversation is enough. That word "but" is such a major downer...

Last edited by BlueMax on 28 Jun 2012, 4:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

Flirting with a person is completely harmless and doesn't oblige you to anything. It's more of a game where two people make each other compliments and enjoy the other person's presence. Flirting is the increase of niceness and a fun in itself, it's not cheating on your fiance although you shouldn't flirt with others while he is around. Married people flirt as well with others than their spouse, it's innocent and i've been told that the attention one gets from it just makes them feel appreciated and good about themselves.

Get out of that relationship and find out what you really want. There is more harm pretending its right when its not.

Going by what you've said in your post, he doesn't sound like he shows enough respect towards you. If this is how he treats you when he wants you to marry him, then I really don't believe he's worth it.
I don't want to overly judge though as I'm sure there's more to the story.

Have you made sure he understands how you feel? It may hurt to tell him, though at times you will need to be quite direct... Us guys, even NT males don't get hints at times.
Espically tell him how you don't feel appreciated in the bedroom, make sure you tell him why aswell. Try to explain it in a way he fully understands.

Name 5 things you love about your fiancé if you can't the relationship is hardly worth it. You could also do a "pro-con" list.

There are multiple things going on here.

1. Get rid of the fiancee. He's selfish, self-centered, self-directed and doesn't take your feelings or needs into account. Begone with him.
2. A flirt is not a promise. If your classmate is a worthwhile man, he'll understand that.
3. Do NOT get rid of the fiancee to be with the classmate. If you end the relationship it should be because the relationship is a horrible place to be in, not because the grass is greener. Also it puts undue and unfair pressure on the classmate. Whether you say it, even if you don't mean it, he may feel like you're saying "I left him to be with you, so you better be worth it" when all he wants to do is some innocent flirting and nothing more.

So, short-term, don't do anything different with the classmate. Dump the fiancee.

So I moved out. It was hard and the only reason I was able to do it was that my family came down for my birthday for a different reason- they bought me a car! I've been on my own simce I was 17 but without a car for the past 5 years so the family pitched in (grandparents, parents, brother, and sister) to get me a beautiful 3,000 dollar 1998 nissan maxima, in excellent condition. Three days prior to gettinb the car I broke up with the fiance for the fourth time and actually was able to get his approval go move out, but I am financially bound to him at the moment since I owe 3 months backrent and had decided to take the summer off of work to take extra college classes.

So I told my family and they spent a week helping me look for places and helped me move my stuff the day we found a place (it's perfect- cheap, and I get soo so so much privacy since the other roommate is gone a lot and it's a house rental). The family was only going to stay half a week (they live out-of-state) until my b-day whem they presented me with the car, but they stayed an entire week, taking the penalty for having the rental car extra time and spending their days making calls and visiting places for me while I was in school (heavy courseload, I am there from seven thirty to four, four days a week). They made an average of about 25 places a day trying to find a place that was cheap and private and close to work and school.

I am so happy now. i'm actually still engaged, but before people give me s**t for that, I will say that the fiance nonchalantly said that if I broke up with him there would be a homicide/suicide, so now I have to deal with that stupidity. I still have a few belongings there but once I get them I will figure out the next step. I wish a restraining order wasn't necessary because we were atill getting along so amicably. I told him when I moved out that I just needed some space because he has a hard time with the idea of me not being with him, but I thought he had grown up past the poimt of death threats. So that's where i'm at right now.

Please tell your family and his family and others around you about the death threats and please take them seriously. A restraining order only works if he follows it. There is no joking about threats like that.

I think you should contact a domestic violence agency in your area for assistance, at least contact your school's social services or something ASAP.

Do not get your stuff out yourself; have someone else do it.

He sounds like an isolated person who is used to controlling you and is dependent on you for him emotional/sexual needs and HE MADE THREATS OF HOMICIDE/SUICIDE.

You did the right thing, just get assistance in dealing with domestic violence.