Does your NT spouse "get" you?

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My wife sometimes gets annoyed with certain things that bother me like a can rattling in the car or that I prefer doing things a certain way or that I have sensitive hearing and sense of smell.

Just bugs me that things that bug me bug her.

I just don't feel verry understood sometimes.

Magni

I'm not married, so it isn't "spouse" but yeah
I sometimes wonder if anyone will ever "get" me the way I'd like them to.
My girlfriends often tell me they "get" me / I often find out later that they haven't.

It's upsetting, demoralizing, and frustrating.

Yep...allow me to commiserate my NT wife gets bugged by my admitting the things that bug me. Sometimes it's totally spontaneous, like I'll stub my toe or bang my knee and I'll yell or make a face and she complains that it's unacceptable my reaction. Or that I get bothered by having to do to many things and once and remember them all, my short-term memory can only hold 2-3 things at a time at most...

It's like, I'm not allowed to be "dramatic" and gripe about that which bothers me. And they say us on the spectrum have suppressed emotions...not so at all, there's proof if that proof is willingly accepted.

My husband is the same way towards me! Especially with misophonia stuff... but yeah... loud reactions to stubbed toes? I've gotten some eye-rolls over that one.

He gets frustrated with my meltdowns, not that I blame him. The biggest thing that he doesn't really get is due to AS is the communication stuff... why don't I understand what he's trying to say, why does he have to tell me something 10 times, etc. That causes the most problems.

Luckily, while in the moment he can get frustrated, he has the patience of a saint and is really good at stepping back when sometimes I can't, and saying "you know what? I don't have to get it."

My wife is not so sympathetic either, but I think little things like that would be better tolerated if there weren't all the big things also. She says I have no common sense, am selfish, and am not autistic, because according to her, autistic people cannot lie and I apparently can.

The only support I get is here on WP. I doubt that will ever change. I'm committed to making our marriage better though. I'm doing what I can.

My wife scores 16 on the AQ test (=average NT), versus my score up in the 30s (=mild AS). I have misophonia, so mealtimes are generally separate - we ate together when the children were younger and noisier, masking the sounds of eating. Understandably she finds my misophonia frustrating - but she does wait until I am out of earshot for so many activities that cause me problems. She accepts that my distress is real, even if she has no idea what it is really like (an instant jab of rage and distress, as though someone was scratching me with the sounds inside my brain).

She often reacts if I try to describe my Aspie differences - eg getting worn out by social interaction or by noises and other overloading environments. Occasionally I feel as though she doesn't accept that my reality is different to hers, as though she feels "We are all the same, just get on with it". It is almost like a form of jealousy - as though she were saying "you're not allowed to be different". I guess that is a part of having a superficial layer of NT socialisation - I can look like I am the same as other people, while having all sorts of sensory and emotional reactions that I have learnt to hide over the years.

However, she did go with me to the psychologist when I was diagnosed, and could see him taking my AS seriously. And she did come with me to hear a visiting international speaker on AS and relationships, and found that person (an Aspie) quite impressive. So she accepts the general label, I guess, but has difficulty recognising or accepting some of the detail. To some extent that is because I have read avidly about AS in the last two years (like many others diagnosed as adults, it is one of my special interests) - and I have been observing and recognising many things about myself from the inside. She hasn't read the books, and doesn't of course have any access to my inner experience (or to my life at work), so she may assume that I am thinking and feeling the same as she and other NTs do, when I am not. In any case, she has lots of good qualities, and I am very fortunate to be married to her - the Aspie/NT issues can sometimes be annoying, but they are not critical.

I know someone in the opposite position: the NT wife is pretty certain that her husband is an Aspie and she recognises all the social and emotional signs, and has read up on it, while the (most probably Aspie) husband is in denial of it all. So I guess it is fairly common to have one or other partner in denial - after all, they don't want their relationship (or their self-esteem) taken away from them, and that might be what they fear if they were to face up to the Aspie partner's autism (or their own, as the case may be). It is easier to feel "safe" and socially acceptable if you keep insisting that both partners are NTs. So there are some powerful reasons for "not getting it" - if I don't believe you are different, then we are just normal NTs with nothing strange to worry about.

Can you guys tell me what your NT partners could be doing or saying that indicates they "get it", that they are loving & understanding of your habits and aversions, etc?

((hugs)) to all of you who feel misunderstood by your partners.

Wow. I am so sorry that she says those things to you. That's not ok at all. ((hugs))

Coming from an NT, that means a lot to me; very much. Thank you. I wish everyone shared your empathy for others that might have different cognitive traits then yourself.

My big thing that I need from him that he can't/won't give is during meltdowns... when I'm so emotionally shot that it all just explodes. The only thing that makes it stop is a tight hug. It would also be nice to hear some reassurance at that point, because I tend to then get frustrated with myself and fall into self-loathing. Emotions freak him out though, and he says he can't be near me when I'm like that. I suppose, why should I get what I need and he can't? That's the big thing that I wish would change, but luckily meltdowns don't happen all that frequently these days.

Otherwise, he's pretty great... he might express frustration in the immediate moment ("I don't understand why you don't believe me" when in reality I just don't understand what he's saying, stuff like that), but overall he's really patient and once that initial frustration has passed he goes way out of his way to tell me that he loves me the way I am.


Aharon-- I'm so sorry your wife treats you like that Nobody deserves that. She sounds like she needs to do some serious soul-searching, if she'll treat you like that.

Well, I don't want to excuse her behavior, but she's been hurt and neglected and disappointed a lot over the years; has outright told me she just doesn't care anymore, that I need to do some serious changing before she'll start again, if ever. We're in a pretty bad place right now. It doesn't help she does not accept my self diagnosis, and has said even if I got one she still wouldn't believe it. I'm really trying though.

In short - no. Me ex never understood my differences.. until recently. In a twist of events, my older son is turning out to be an EXACT clone of me, including AS. Now that she's been speaking to professionals about it and how to help him, she's beginning to see how *I* worked as well. I doubt she'll ever come around to apologizing (that's not her style) but she may be less of a b... witch.

My poor son though... His brother is going to be so popular and "normal"... but he's in for a very big challenge and a lot of sadness... the world is not kind to anyone who's "different".

My husband gets me and understands me. I still annoy him and he still gets stressed out by me. I don't think that means he doesn't get me. He just stays in our room.

This almost made me cry. My older brother (4 years, and I was 'advanced' so we were in high school together, etc) was Mr. Popular, prom king, all-state and all American athlete, captain of every sports team he played on. Growing up together was brutal. He was always embarrassed by me and I had classmates and friends with siblings the same age difference, and they were always so close. Most girls grow up to have "daddy issues", I grew up to have "brother issues". A huge chunk of my self esteem problems came from desperately trying and ultimately being unable to please my brother..he was ruthless to me. My happiest memories from my teenage years were the few times he actually hung out with me. Now that we're adults, it's marginally better-- he's very pig-headed anyways, so while it's not always directed at me, he still gets me really upset sometimes. He was really awful to me when I told my family about the AS diagnosis though. It really got his goat when his friends in recent years have actually wanted to hang out with me and thought he I was cool I know that whole thing is a total tangent and not really related to the topic, but please, please... do whatever you can to keep them together as a team.


Actually it sort of may be on-topic, because my husband is SO much alike my brother it's frightening. Right down to hobbies and career paths. They even have a lot of the same mannerisms and personality traits The big difference is that my husband is a much kinder, soft-hearted person...

Idk what I am, but my ex never really got me one mistake would be enough for her to snap on me, and call me fat, ugly, stupid and all of that which was almost daily, so yeah my only ex never really got me, i don't think anyone really gets me in my life.

I'm sorry to hear about everyone's struggles with NT partners.

My partner - we're not married, but we've been together for two years on Friday and live together and such like - is very good about ASD stuff. He's the one who first suggested that I may have one, at first he thought Aspergers but the more he's gotten the know me and learnt about ASDs and met a few other people with Aspergers the more he thinks I have maybe PDD-NOS or Mid-to-high functioning.

He's been there when I've had freak outs, when I've left the house to go to college and had to come straight back because the noise outside was just too much. When I get overly stressed and zone out in social situations he makes sure that other people don't disturb me and just lets me retreat into myself for as long as I need. Or bring me back out if it's not a safe time to do that.

He helps me interpret my emotions, and helps me find the words I need to describe them. He helps me deal with my quite serious executive dysfunction, and self-help skills problems. He explains things about people that I don't understand.

I'm not entirely sure what he gets out of this arrangement, because he's a wonderful partner and I can't see what I add to the situation. He claims I help him a lot without realising I'm doing it. He tells me things about his life that he hasn't told anyone else. He says he can just says things to me, without skirting around issues, or worrying about tact. He says he feels much more able to be himself around me.

@Blue_Max, it's very good he has a father who understands what is going through though. Maybe your experiences with AS will be a help in making sure he doesn't have it quite so bad, or at least knows how to better cope with it.

I wish that were true... my ex-wife stole the kids from me and barely ever lets me see them. If it weren't for a temporary court order forcing a weekly visit of a lousy couple hours, she'd have eliminated me from her/their lives entirely. She doesn't care that my AS son and I were always EXTREMELY close and the divorce has really affected him.

I'll never understand the human capacity to ignore what's going on all around them and pretend they live in a different "reality".