Cannot do it by myself

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This is all rather embarrassing; not like I've got anything to protect though.
So, I'm 19, I don't have a drivers license, a job, I haven't finished High School, and I'm extremely dependent of everyone else.
I hate that! I hate myself! Depression and Anxiety rule my life, I've got nothing now! I was weak and now I'm really paying for it, "I don't need pills" "I can control it" that was me when I could have had a life, idiot!
I've got to be the most useless, self-loathing, sorry excuse for a human, I've ever had the displeasure to lay eyes on.
I want a chance to repair what I lost but my Anxiety is too prevailant, I would like to try suppressants but my family wouldn't be able to afford it, thanks to me, no job, no money to help out with anything.
I don't know what to do, I'm terrified of life, totally and utterly.

Here I am being dependent again but I really need advice on what I could do, I'll try whatever at this point, I've got nothing to loose.

Thank you

Asking for help is not being dependent. It is very brave, actually. It means you are aware you have problems and you want help to solve them because you cannot do it alone. We all need help from others, that why we live in a society and not everyone on their own. Are you diagnosed? Cant you file for dissability or something? It sounds like you really need to control your anxiety before thinking on anything else. Controlling it will help you work on all the other issues. Thats what I get from your post, at least. If you do not have money for meds I have heard some people do meditate and that helps with anxiety. You can try. It will not hurt.

Sorry that I have not replied for a while, that's what I do best though: Procrastinate. That's exactly what got me in this mess, in fact, I'm much more depressed and anxious than I just was.
I have brought my hardships to my mothers attention (Thank God that she is so supportive), she has been taking me to see a Therapist, he strongly recommends Anti-Depressants but we haven't gotten to that yet, oh God, I hate spending my parents money! I'm 19 for hell sakes! I should be better than this, everyone else graduated school, got a license, a job, and a social life, while I was left behind, LITERALLY. Sometimes I think God has it out for me or something, but then I realize that I'm just the biggest peace of s**t sociopath IDIOT!
s**t I'm sorry, I have no one else to talk to, I'm all out, I just feel emotionally dead.
I would very much like to get Disability, but anyone I talk to about it says that I wouldn't be accepted even if I am diagnosed Autistic or what have you, they claim that the Disability people would just tell me to take medication and be done with me.

Even if you can't get a disability benefit, could you try getting a more general unemployment benefit? There must be some form of financial assistance you're eligible for. Once you organise financial assistance, you can pay your mother back for the antidepressants. Call whoever it is who gives financial help to the unemployed where you are, and explain your situation to them.

I think that once you start conquering the anxiety and depression, life will look a lot more manageable. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by it all when you're constantly anxious and depressed. Getting onto medication and continuing with therapy will help a lot with this.

Once you feel like you have more of a handle on your anxiety and depression, you can start thinking about continuing with your education or finding work. And just because you didn't graduate high school doesn't mean your educational future is hopeless-for two main reasons. One, because there may be tertiary institutions who will accept you based on the high school work you've already done, and any further selection process events like interviews. I'm not sure what it's like where you live, but where I am (Auckland), there are a few educational institutions that don't necessarily require new entrants to have completed high school. You may need to go along to an interview, or write a letter of interest. There are alternative ways to get into post-high school education. What you would need to do is think about what you'd like to be doing in 10 years, find out what qualifications you need to do that, find out where you can get those qualifications, and what you need to do to get into those places. So do some research, pick up some pamphlets, and make some phone calls asking specifically what someone in your situation can do to get in.

The second reason that your educational future is not doomed is because success in high school and success in university are two different things. I struggled through high school a lot, but in university I do a lot better than I ever did in high school. I genuinely believed I was stupid and incapable, because I did badly in high school. I actually do pretty well now, because the whole learning environment is different. I would never have thought I would have done this well. Also, at a university you'll be able to study something you're truly passionate about. So don't give up on university yet.

If you would rather work, then again the unemployment people should be able to get you some help with getting into work. Ask them specifically if they have any specialised employment plans for adults on the autism spectrum-or if they can just help you find work suited to your skills. Also if they have specialised programs helping adults with disabilities in general find work, you could be eligible for that. Besides that, look through job advertisement websites to find vacancies.

Good luck-I really hope you can find some hope soon. Please don't give up-your situation is not terrible for someone your age, and there are lots of people who need some more time to find their passion and motivation. There is no shame at all in not having your entire life sorted out at 19. It can be scary and upsetting not knowing what to do, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. Many people have doubts and crises at some point in their life-you are far from alone. You will be able to sort things out.

Thank you, fluffypinkyellow, you've given me some hope.

I'll write myself a To-Do list and I'll do my best to follow through, as long as I have music along to comfort me, then I can at least bear it...
I was thinking I could be a composer like Hans Zimmer, Vangelis, or Martin O' Donnell; Even being a writer, that's where my true passion lies, I'll finally focus on what I actually WANT to do for once, and then try to realize that dream.

I'm glad there are people like you that can still help me find my passion

Omg, the way you talk to yourself! You are so unfair to yourself. Don't come down so hard on yourself- you can change all of the things that are bothering you. Will it be easy? No. Sometimes it will be very hard.

Priority #1: get the anti-depressants. Yes, they cost money. But they will likely work, which will allow you to do stuff like get a job and move forward with all the things you are wanting to do. You should also look into other things known to reduce anxiety and depression. An easy one is exercise. It has nearly as much of an effect as our strongest anti-depressants.

#2: Get someone to start showing you how to drive. You have to start somewhere. Get the information booklet from your state's department of motor vehicles and study for the written test. Find out how to take it. Then go do it and get your permit. Practice driving as much as you can. It helps a lot if you can get more than one person to take you out.

#3: Money. Go out and try to apply for a job you think might be manageable. Or look for a one-day temporary job on Craigslist. If you start to make any money for yourself, you will become more and more independent. To stand on your own two feet, you have to keep trying. Everybody has to learn.

You should pursue your interests in writing and music! Have you considered writing something you want to publish? Try to think of ways you can integrate those things and other things you like into your life. If you can think up a career involving them, all the better. Don't get discouraged if you can't think up something right away. Give it time, and ask others for their ideas, too.

Even if your life hasn't gone how you want up until now, that is okay. You can learn. You learned to walk once. You learned your ABC's once. You learned to write once. You are always learning, just like everyone else. You've already mentioned some things you want to be able to do; so next you should write out a plan for how to learn to do them. Don't be afraid to ask for help making and executing your plans.

Again, sorry for taking so long to reply

Thank you so much for all of your support! You all really did help

All of the support feels great! When I was in the doctors office, I got a really cool guy, I was sweating from being in a social interaction, I think he could tell and he kept asking if I was okay, naturally I lied and said yes because I didn't know how to handle it. He set goals for me and a structure and it really felt nice.
That was more than three weeks ago, now I can handle myself better, my confidence is coming back, my posture is already better, I'm not always worried and stressed and deeply depressed, though however it's somehow more apparent that I am alone and that still depresses me.

I've got one priority down, I've got anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication; I feel my brain reviving and developing everyday, so far some of my old and familiar qualities have come back to me.

I'm also seeing a therapist, he explained to me how the medications will work and gave me some tools on how to deal with day to day things.

Something still seems missing though, and can't quite put my finger on it! It's really frustrating me! Maybe I'll bring it up next time I see my therapist but I wouldn't know what to say because I don't know what it is but I feel it all the time and I really need it but I don't know what it is!

Ugh! I have been such an air head lately though, I think that's just because I'm changing so much though, and I'm starting to feel emotions more. I'm scared though, I'm honestly scared of how much I'm changing, I don't know how to handle a different state of mind or enthusiasm or happiness or clear thinking. I'm scared all over again, before I was sinking but now it's just as if the pills gave me 'gills', I'm able to breath under the water but I cannot escape yet.

Hey Sweetleaf, did they give you a decision yet?