How to develop my first close female friendship?

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Hi guys

This is my first post (and it is quite a rant XD)

First off I’m a mild Aspie, few people can pick up on it and I’ve developed a lot socially but I still have many socially skills to develop.

I want to hang out more with a friend of mine Somaya (were in the same group of friends in college).

I know this is kinda more of a social skills post but I felt people in the relationships section might have some good input.

I want to develop female friendships
-I want to get a better understanding of women and how to interact around them (She is very open and expressive so I think I could learn a lot just by hanging out.)

-Improve my ability to read signals (She often makes an effort to thank someone if they do something right/ she appreciated.)

-Become a more touchy feely person –become comfortable with touch which I believe is v important. I’m entirely comfortable with men but I usually feels awkward/forced/stiff with women.

-Feel natural in relationships -not have to think too much, not act too distant or clingy

I wan’t to break several bad habits of mine

-Rushing, becoming infatuated making bold moves/ being very distant conservative in my female relationships. i.e a habit of “all or nothing “.

-Neurosis/Awkwardness because I am unsure of how to react what is/ is not appropriate.

-Reduce my excessive drive for agreeableness (desire to please, accommodate) which leads to neurosis – nice guy/doormat

Complications

My feeling for her are mixed – I consider her reasonably attractive (and I would oh so love to help her love herself, her body) + there are moments when I go whoa she really looks incredible.

For the most part I see her as a friend.

I thought she was into me at the start (she was so touchy feely) but she’s strongly indicated that this is not the case and she thinks she’s better off remaining single.

I have made an effort to hang out outside of college but so far it hasn't worked out. I worry that if I keep pushing to meet up she will be uneasy because she thinks I’m looking for a g/f.

I have decided logically it would be best for both of us if we remained friends but I haven't been able to tell her.

– I think friendships should develop naturally (not be too deep/ complicated too quickly or they burn out).

-I want to be open with her but my feeling aren’t clear and if I am really honest with her I think she would be wary of my mixed feeling and become more cautious; (though maybe she will also feel this way if I say nothing).


Somaya

She’s quite a character herself: she has borderline personality disorder (BPD). In a way that fascinates me (quirky personalities always do). She’s always full of energy or exhausted (no middle ground) and she expresses strong opinions on people which change quickly.

I think I can manage the instability that comes with this. I’m very patient and accommodating, I’m used to her fickle personally; my mother and youngest sister (both of whom I really get on with) are very similar. Plus one of my best friends is bipolar so I’m used to the splitting & mood swings.

However because I have few (non-family) female friends I take their opinions to heart a lot more so I would probably more open to getting hurt (but what the hell I think she’s worth the risk).

She’s feels she has no depth (which makes sense as she expresses most of herself on the surface), she’s very good at initiating intimate conversations with people (and knows everyone’s insecurities) but she can be very private (prefers to listen intimately than talk intimately.)

She considers herself to be cold, she does not get attached to people (never had a friend for more than 2 years) she half hates this aspect of herself but she also wants to be very independent.

I understand where she’s coming from because of her BPD if she get to emotionally involved she could emotionally bleed out, but I don’t think she has to live alone (and I don’t want her to feel lonely).

Despite her claims to be uncaring I know she has a strong sense of responsibility to her family and people in general (she is very hard on herself) and she has impulsively shown she cares about me before.

In ways I really admire her impulsive expressiveness if she feels like doing something (saying something, hugging someone) she doesn't hesitate, she just does it.

In short we are completely different people.

- I can be very light hearted extroverted & open but I’m often quite in a distant/contemplative mood; I think about thinks intensely and at times I hesitate. She just lives and does.

- She can hide what she’s feeling (not visible in body language) very well but is generally very expressive with her emotions, opinions (can't really control them). I can‘t hide my feelings (my facial expressions always give me away) but I very controlling of my emotions, opinions e.g. in public the angrier I am the quieter I get.

- I’m awkward with touch, she’s v comfortable.

- She’s has a lot more independent but also less stable.

- She had a lot more experience (and intuitive) with relationships, mixed friendships. I've never had a (close non- family female friend)

- She’s never had a long term friendship, I have several.

- She’s unhappy with her body (obsesses about her weight), I’m quite happy with mine

- There’s also some cultural distance- she’s an openly practicing Muslim with a strong Arabic roots, I’m an agnostic Irish guy.

We get on we care about one another and I think we could really learn a lot from each other, but were so very different I feel it would be very easy for me to make a wrong move and damage rather than develop the relationship.

Any advice? (particularly in regard to….)

"I have made an effort to hang out outside of college but so far it hasn't worked out. I worry that if I keep pushing to meet up she will be uneasy because she thinks I’m looking for a g/f."

What would you do in my shoes?

If your worried about her thinking you're looking for more than friends with her than you should talk about other romantic prospects around her and even ask for advice. Show her that she's just a friend who happens to be a girl and not a potential partner. She might be able to help you with some of your issues.......

If you really don't want her as a girlfriend, you should be willing to friendzone yourself.

Good advice.

However there is no one I am looking at romantically at the moment (thank god) one of the reason's I'm seeking female friends in to build up my maturity around women before I go for another relationship.

I kinda set myself this goal: If I can maintain 3 good female friendships to a point where they feel normal/comfortable.

Then I will allow myself to pursue a more romantic relationship.

I am developing relationships gradually with other female friends but none of them are as close or as important to me.

I may hang out with the other girls as part as a group or we may chat if we run into each other/ study alone together but at the moment neither party feel close enough to make an effort to hang out outside of that. I do genuinely like them but I don't find them as interesting.

If I'm entirely honest I must admit: if I was I at a different point in my life Somaya is someone I would consider dating (though I'd still be in too minds about it because i'm not sure it would last - I'm not interested in short term relationships/flings and I think we would make for a rather crazy mix).

As it stands that's not going to happen.

Hmm....

I don't like the idea of lying about "other romantic prospects" (and I really am no good at lying).

I've never friendzone'd someone before. I'm not sure how to go about it so that I sound convincing without sounding full of myself or chauvinistic

Has anyone ever friend zoned someone so they didn't think they were attracted to them.

How did they go about it? can it be done without the underling message sounding like (I really like you as a friend but I'm out of your league)

You're definetly overthinking it and you shouldn't have to fake anything with her. Maybe the best possible answer is to just tell her straight up that you're looking to be more social and develop friendships (don't specify female only) and you'd like to hangout more.