Lost in a wilderness of pain

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I've dealt with clinical depression for as long as I can remember. Don't know what started me down this path, but ridicule from others who didn't understand and girls who deliberately f****d with my head when they knew I loved them but never drew a line probably didn't help. Outside, I'm sweet, wise for my age, and honest. But inside, I'm indescribably bitter, angry, and in agony. I've been through therapy, medications upon medications, and consoling to a limited extent with the select few that I trust. These things help temporarily, but at the end of the day my pain returns to me. I don't know how I've made it this far, and while I know my strength is great, some day it won't be enough. I can't even talk to anyone about how I actually feel, because I can't put it into words and I don't want anyone to even glimpse at the pain and agony I hold inside. Somehow, I feel like I would be doing them a disservice by doing so. I wouldn't want anyone to know this, not even my worst and most hated enemy. I'm lost, but somehow working my way through. I want it to end, but something always keeps me going. I don't understand it, and I don't know what to do

I wish I had a simple answer. You’ve posted on WP, so I assume you don’t want to hear some simplistic attempt at reassuring BS (aka lies).
But stick around. I think the people here can help sort things out, a little at a time.

For me, the drugs and therapy were useless. The therapist can’t tell me anything I don’t already know (but a support group can! especially one like this). And all the shrinks want to do is peddle drugs. For people I’ve known, they’ve caused huge problems, including severe psychosis which landed them in a series psych wards, severe delusions, medically induced bipolar, and probably permanent brain damage. Don’t go there if you have a choice. I’d give just about anything to find a shrink who’s smarter than me, but I no longer expect that to happen.

A big breakthrough for me was the realization that I’m not really “depressed” in the usual sense, so the usual responses do not apply and do more harm than good. This one has a few levels.

1. I naturally run a low emotional temperature: asking me to be perky would be like asking Spok to laugh. It’s unnatural and the attempt to fake it hurts me in subtle ways that I wouldn’t bother trying to explain to an NT shrink.

2. What looks like depression is really a defense mechanism. It’s not exactly voluntary, but it is something I subconsciously learned over the decades, and I no longer try to fight it. I welcome it. It's not a disease, it's the cure.
Metaphore A: think fever. It’s actually part of a natural healing process and, in moderation, should be left alone to do its thing. It should only be treated as a problem if it gets out-of-hand. And I'm the only one who can judge when or if it gets to that point.
Metaphore B: think of hibernating. It gets me through the rough times. I need less warmth and nourishment. When times are better, I can return to normal. But I can’t just turn it on and off every day.
Metaphore C: I can’t handle an emotional roller coaster. Especially during tough times, I need to find a level place that’s natural to me and that I can maintain. And that level place is about three degrees emotionally cooler than most people would believe.

3. Being dishonest hurts me. Laughing at things I really consider offensive, or kissing the butt of someone I consider a fool or a monster, doesn’t work. However, telling the boss that his racist jokes (or whatever) are disgusting does not have survival value. The best compromise I can make is to evade. It might look like depression, or like I don’t get it. And sometimes I don’t. But often, I do "get it" and it’s just too vile to respond. If those are the only choices, which is better: Seeming like a heretic, or looking clueless and depressed?

So, I enjoy the good people when I can and smile whenever I can and as much as possible without hurting myself. If they don't like it, that's their problem.

Is that useful at all? I’m sure others around here can give you more, but none of it will fit in a sound-bite.

Be well.