Will I ever know?

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I've been having a diagnostic yo-yo for many years now. The doctors focus on my mental illness mostly though.

Last October I ended up in the mental ward over the psych problems. One psych doctor thought I had an ASD and put that down. But the next doctor said I didn't have it because I give too much eye contact and I care about people.

I was fine with that for a while and I even convinced myself I was an NT with a mental illness. But then I ended up in the psych unit again. A doc there said she felt I was having problems with a mood disorder and AS. I made her explain that one. She said she was examining my records and saw a couple of childhood psych reports that I put in there. She says I had a bad case of AS as a child but now I can pass for NT so some of the doctors miss it, she claimed however she has seen a couple of traits in me as an adult.

Anyway, the next doctor I had to see was one that I had seen previously for over a year. I thought that he would know. His answer was that he can't figure out if I had it or not, but I shouldn't let it bother me because care for the mood problems was more important.

If AS was really part of my childhood problems, I would like to know that. But the way people have reacted over the years, I'm an NT with a couple of AS traits, or I have AS but now I can pass as an NT

Complete Record:

psych docs that thought I had it: 2
psych docs that said I didn't have it: 2
psych docs that didn't really know: 1

Therapists that thought I had it: 2
Therapists that said I didn't have it: 1

Regular people either say that they saw it when I first talked to them or they say they don't see it at all.

I really don't know what to do about this anymore

I tracked down a specialist, asked her to check me for it, and she gave me positives across the board.... though claimed I was unusually socially aware for someone with Aspergers (all the other stuff was crazy up there though)...
Pro-Tip: Paranoia that everyone is out to get you is a pretty good incentive to try and work out what the hell their game is, mostly for the sake of avoiding it. Go go gadget survival mechanisms.

From what you have written over the years, I would say you probably do have it. there will always be a doctor out there that will say you don't have it due to (insert NT thing here you do or aspie stereotype you don't have). Lot of aspies seem to get that from someone, from a professional or none professional.

What do you think?

Since you are arguably the person most familiar with yourself, after this much time and this much professional division, I would say it is safe for you to make the call. If you think you are AS, I would just call it a day and say you have it, personally. Plenty of people self-diagnose. It's not like you are "jumping on the ASD bandwagon." You have been here a long time which leads me to believe you have probably put plenty of thought into it.

Go with your own opinion.

You know best.

Well technically, everyone with AS is just an NT with AS traits. Because the conditions for diagnosis are that a person shares some fundamental set of personality traits with others who have the same condition....in other words, that they have AS traits. I think that a lot of people get caught up in black/white thinking, like "I am 100% Aspergers!" or "I am 100% NT!", but really I think that there is a lot more grey area than that...it's not like diagnosing a broken arm where there's a definite answer. So I would say that, based on your post, you likely have mild AS (or are basically on the borderline), but whether you do or not doesn't make you any different whatsoever as a person, and only a trained expert can really tell you (and even then it won't be 100% for sure).

Get an assessment?

I can sympathize with your position. I would like a diagnosis, but I'm unable to get one at this time. Still, it's helpful enough to at least know that I probably have AS and that's why I've had and continue to have socialization problems.

I agree.
I also have eye contact and care about people.

But when you are unsure, go to a specialist who will make a diagnostic evaluation with you.

Do you know the credentials of the psychs who said you did or didn't have it?

Some psychologists are more experienced with AS than others.

I don't know the experience of all these doctors. I had a friend though tell me that I can't have AS because my forehead wasn't big enough