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I wasn't sure whether to post this at all since I'm new, and it's kind of tacky to unload on people you don't know, but whatever. Since I don't know any of you, I might as well be honest, since if you all decide that I'm a sociopath or something, small loss. And that sort of reasoning is what this is about.

One thing I have always felt is a detachment from the people around me. I can't say that I've ever felt that anyone matters to me. I saw a therapist a few years ago who put it best: "Somehow you've managed to go through 26 years on this earth without forming a single meaningful connection with anyone." I don't get it. It's not a symptom of my Aspergers... Aspies have difficulty expressing emotions towards other people, but from the experience I have with other Aspies and from what I've read, others form attachments and friendships that are meaningful to them, they just do it differently from NTs.

I make "friends" with relatively little difficulty for Aspies, people that I see on a regular basis, that I do fun things with, that tolerate my quirks. I even have one I have known for almost 15 years, that I've lived with, who has saved my life, who I talk to on a regular basis. Yet, these people mean virtually nothing to me. I know that if my "dear friend" were in a car accident or something and died, I could give a damn. Another close friend, a girl who had recently told me that she was in love with me, attempted to kill herself. I felt virtually nothing. She made her choice, why should I feel bad about it? When she wants to talk to me about it, I'm happy to listen, and I enjoy her company. When she walks out the door, out of sight, out of mind.

I've lived my life this way. It's never really bothered me before. Even when I was two years old, my mother tells me that I would actively move away from people to go play by myself. Yet, I've been feeling really low recently, not something I'm accustomed to, since I've been on Earth for almost 30 years, and have nothing to show for it. I am completely isolated. Even though I have friends that I could go have dinner with, and I enjoy it while it lasts, I'm not particularly interested. I suppose my problem is that, while I've never been before, I'm lonely. And I have no idea how to care about people. It's a vicious cycle.

So while I don't think this is a symptom of Aspergers, and the very fact that I feel badly about it means I'm probably not a sociopath... I dunno, maybe I'm comorbid with something else. Every shrink I've seen chalked it up to Aspergers, so maybe that is the case, and I just don't know what I'm talking about. Either way, it feels much better to actually put it out there. Do any of you ever feel (or rather, have a lack of feeling) like this?

Do you think it's a safety net for you? Chances are greater to be hurt by someone when you invest in them emotionally. Maybe it's an Aspie thing and maybe it's fear. Any abandoment issues?

It's a sound theory. As far as abandonment issues, I would think that's a very broad topic. But yes, after thinking about it for a bit, I suppose I might. I have had several things happen that might cause such things. A good friend that I had a crush on died in a car accident; I was shipped to Michigan to live with my jerk of an uncle after I had a meltdown at school; I was a military brat... Still, I wasn't abused or anything. It was just the sorts of things that happen to kids.

But yeah, if that is what it stems from, I suppose I need to work through that. I'm just concerned about it being blamed on the Asperger's again. Therapists seem eager to jump to that particular conclusion. It doesn't help.

Anyway, thank you for responding. I'm sure I'll feel better about it in the morning.

I can relate FueledByCoffee. My therapist says it's an aspie trait. Some aspies don't have this problem, but I do. We're all effected in different ways by Asperger's and some traits are stronger or lower in some aspies than others. Some aspies have meltdowns, I don't...there are so many different ways to experience Asperger's.