How do you know if you miss social cues?

Page 1 of 3 [ 37 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Tyri0n
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,879
Location: Douchebag Capital of the World (aka Washington D.C.)

23 Apr 2013, 6:28 pm

I honestly don't know one way or the other. How does one even know this?



loner1984
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 564

23 Apr 2013, 6:33 pm

I dont think you can know it, i mean how would you know ? unless someone tells you ?.



Verdandi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Dec 2010
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,275
Location: University of California Sunnydale (fictional location - Real location Olympia, WA)

23 Apr 2013, 6:34 pm

I usually find out when someone tells me, which happens at least some of the time. Otherwise, I either remain blissfully oblivious or something clicks hours, days, weeks, months, or years later and I figure it out.



nuttyengineer
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 279
Location: United States

23 Apr 2013, 6:34 pm

One good way to tell is if the person you are talking to is suddenly angry with you and you can't figure out why.

Other than that, I don't really think there is a way to identify it... unless somebody tells you.


_________________
"Success is not the absence of failure, it is the persistence through failure."


Tyri0n
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,879
Location: Douchebag Capital of the World (aka Washington D.C.)

23 Apr 2013, 6:44 pm

nuttyengineer wrote:
One good way to tell is if the person you are talking to is suddenly angry with you and you can't figure out why.

Other than that, I don't really think there is a way to identify it... unless somebody tells you.


1. People rarely, if ever, tell me things that suggest I missed nonverbal cues. One counterexample was when I asked some girl: "How's it [project] coming?" and she said "can't you tell that I'm stressed?!" I sort of did, wasn't paying that much attention, but I still don't see how my actions suggested that I didn't.

2. I don't recall anyone recently (past several years) ever getting angry like that. But I sometimes see microexpressions of irritation. I think the way I talk may just put off some people.



mikassyna
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2013
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,319
Location: New York, NY

23 Apr 2013, 6:52 pm

It is harder to assess as an adult, as adults tend to be more tactful about it, or they just distance themselves from you.

I have been sort of fortunate that I've heard about things through other friends, my husband, some relatives, when I've pissed people off or said things that were inappropriate that I didn't realize. If I miss a joke, I'm usually told right away that the person was only joking. Then I laugh with egg on my face (not real egg LOL).

Other people just have tended to call me "quirky" which is much nicer than the names they used to call me when I was a kid.

I also have delayed reactions to things. Recently someone asked me if I had something new done with my hair. I said, "Oh no I didn't." She said, "Well because it looks different. I like it. Are you sure you didn't have something done to your hair?" I said, "Um, no... Well I showered before bed last night and maybe if I slept on it, it might look a little different." She said, "Oh, ok. I looks like you did something to your hair. But I like it." Later on I got to work and notice in the mirrored elevator that my hair is sticking up on one side. I didn't notice it in the morning, as I just don't look at myself if I really don't have to. Then the conversation came back to memory. I wonder if I missed a social cue there?



redrobin62
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Apr 2012
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,009
Location: Seattle, WA

23 Apr 2013, 7:00 pm

I don't always know.



Last edited by redrobin62 on 23 Apr 2013, 8:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

23 Apr 2013, 7:15 pm

I have no way of telling. Most of the time I just feel like I don't fit in or don't have the "correct" sense of humor to participate in the typical banter that is an expected to be considered "one of the guys". If I try to make a joke and get absolutely no reaction or it seems like people pretend not to hear me I don't know what this means. I notice NTs laugh hardest at the most simplistic "tack on" utterances and I'm at a loss to try and imitate them. I've come to the conclusion that it's not so much me missing cues as me just being incompatible with most people because I don't think or emote the same way they do.



Tyri0n
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,879
Location: Douchebag Capital of the World (aka Washington D.C.)

23 Apr 2013, 7:21 pm

marshall wrote:
I have no way of telling. Most of the time I just feel like I don't fit in or don't have the "correct" sense of humor to participate in the typical banter that is an expected to be considered "one of the guys". If I try to make a joke and get absolutely no reaction or it seems like people pretend not to hear me I don't know what this means. I notice NTs laugh hardest at the most simplistic "tack on" utterances and I'm at a loss to try and imitate them. I've come to the conclusion that it's not so much me missing cues as me just being incompatible with most people because I don't think or emote the same way they do.


I feel quite similarly.



marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

23 Apr 2013, 7:36 pm

mikassyna wrote:
I also have delayed reactions to things. Recently someone asked me if I had something new done with my hair. I said, "Oh no I didn't." She said, "Well because it looks different. I like it. Are you sure you didn't have something done to your hair?" I said, "Um, no... Well I showered before bed last night and maybe if I slept on it, it might look a little different." She said, "Oh, ok. I looks like you did something to your hair. But I like it." Later on I got to work and notice in the mirrored elevator that my hair is sticking up on one side. I didn't notice it in the morning, as I just don't look at myself if I really don't have to. Then the conversation came back to memory. I wonder if I missed a social cue there?

I have vague recollections of similar interactions. Probably she was feeling embarrassed over having unintentionally embarrassed you. I suppose some people would try to make a joke or something to diffuse the "awkwardness". I can't do it though. Can't ever think of something fast enough. The funny thing is with me I can definitely sense intuitively when there's an awkward silence or something going on and realize what the other person might be thinking but I still can't react fast enough.



Oberoth
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 890
Location: The part of Ireland with fields

23 Apr 2013, 8:51 pm

I don't know it often. I can occasionally infer it from, what seem like, baseless reactions of others.



MusicalWonders
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2013
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 114
Location: America

23 Apr 2013, 8:54 pm

I'm pretty sure there are times where I miss them completely. Other than that, somebody will have to tell me.



Random42
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jan 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 360

23 Apr 2013, 9:05 pm

I think there must be some cues going on during group conversations. Everyone else knows how to take turns in the conversation... I always end up interrupting accidentally because I didn't realize the other person wasn't done talking or I join in several topics later on the original topic. They must be cueing each other when it is their turn to talk , and I must be missing those cues.

Other times, I have heard a group of people talk about how someone based on their nonverbal cues. They all noticed the same nonverbal things about that person. I didn't see any of it.

Also, everything I've read about communication says that the majority of communication is nonverbal. If that is correct, since I rarely notice nonverbal cues, I must be missing nonverbal cues every day, every conversation, throughout the majority of each conversation.


_________________
DX Aspergers

AQ: 39
Aspie-quiz AS:154 NT:50
RAADS-R: 194
EQ:15 SQ:114


Tyri0n
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,879
Location: Douchebag Capital of the World (aka Washington D.C.)

23 Apr 2013, 9:27 pm

I've still not seen evidence either way to point to whether I do or don't, even based on the comments here. Weird.



seaturtleisland
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,243

23 Apr 2013, 9:40 pm

Now you're making me paranoid about whether or not I'm missing things. If I did miss something I wouldn't know so how do I know that I didn't. Awhh.

But seriously I have noticed some things going wrong on occasion and I just figured my body language was off-putting. If someone stops answering your text and won't even answer a text asking why he won't answer you've probably done something wrong. Other times, as it has been said I start to interrupt someone and then I freeze after the first syllable because I don't mean to interrupt.



Rose313
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2013
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 24

23 Apr 2013, 9:41 pm

Usually, I may get blank looks or awkward stares. Or someone tells me afterwards.