Scared of being a forever child

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Ever since a couple of years ago, I have hated myself for having autism and being me. I can't cook, I don't know how to do bills, I don't know how to check to see how my car is doing, basically I can't or don't know how to do a lot of things. I have a lovely girlfriend who makes me feel wanted and important but the side issue is that she is soooooooooooooooo much more knowledgeable about life than I am and I am a little jealous. Another issue is that I want to lose weight SO badly, however, iI just can't keep on track and hate myself even more. Out of all honesty, I hate the way I look, though I've been told that I am pretty attractive. Dozens of issues about life confuse me and scare me and it makes me not want to grow up but I know I have to. I hear people of religion tell me that god has a plan for everyone and that we are all created perfect in his image. Well what if I don't want to be apart of his plan? I didn't ask to be born the way I am! Is my plan to be scared, confused and unacknowledged about life? I feel like an absolute waste of time and a failure, although I have to wear a giant grin for all to see. Counselors can't help me, it's just something to cope with to them and a paycheck.

Is it wrong to wish for a magical button that can take all the issues away? To make myself what I want above all else? To be normal?

hiya Marxeus welcome to our cool club
the only thing i'd suggest, is to maybe talk your GF into doing exercise workouts together. a proven mood lifter and leveler is daily vigorous exercise, such as fast walking [like you were late for a meeting or something like that] or jogging or swimming or biking or such. also, if you incorporate resistance exercises [weights, isometric] you will build muscle which happens to be a proven fat burning mechanism. to a point, this will be a virtuous circle, more muscle=more fat burning. so your body will transform itself into a form which you like better, you will feel better about yourself, and your depression will lift due to the feel-good chemicals resultant from the exercise. I can say it worked for me, even though [as they say] "your mileage may vary."

You sound like me this past week (and many other weeks before)!

I don't know you personally so can't really give you major advice, however, I can share what has worked for me.

First, all of the things you listed that you are unsatisfied with about yourself and want to change can be changed. That's the good news. The reason I said you sound like me is that I literally had a crazy list getting longer and longer in my head of things I wanted to change, things I wanted to become, things I wanted to do, that I ended up in bed feeling quite overwhelmed on the edge of meltdown city. In fact, I've lived much of my life this way. Just this week, I pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote down all of my goals. EVERY SINGLE one of them. It was a long list, but it felt better to have it on paper. It felt controllable. Then, I pulled a dry erase board out of storage and I wrote my top goal (the most important to me) on the top, then was able to list the others under it, which really, all ended up relating and supporting one another.

In order to get to the main goal, (yours might be to be completely independent), there are building blocks to get to that, such as trying a new online recipe each week, taking a 20 minute walk every day, purchasing an auto service manual for dummies book. Then it's about scheduling it. If you really want it, you'll want to fit it into your schedule. If you write these things down, you may find (if you're completely honest with yourself) that you really don't want to learn to cook or fix your car. So you may just get honest then figure out another plan, such as how can you make enough money to pay someone to fix your car, etc. Anywho, the summary of what I'm saying is writing it all out helped me tons. I actually feel excited about my goals and am taking major steps toward attaining them now. Just last week, I was so overwhelmed by all the thoughts and judgments swimming in my head, I could barely get out of bed. And I'm taking small steps, not trying to conquer the world all in one go (though maybe in the future!).

Hope this helps. Hang in there and know there are others in your predicament as well. You aren't alone!

Cheers!

PS An amazing book I just read that is hilarious and all about just being honest with yourself and not living your life based on false judgements is "This Is How" by Augusten Burroughs (John Elder Robison's brother). It's genius, had me laughing, and really helped me to change my heart about some things that had plagued me my entire life.

We are not all the same in what motivates us and what makes us feel satisfied. So from the outside its hard to know how to jumpstart someone. It does seem you are in a deep rut, and you see the main case being the autism, and lack confidence of being able to change it.

A lot of that is probably valid. But you are also intelligent and can express the issues clearly so are not trully totally stuck/incapacitated. I think autistics often fall into the pattern of being dissatisfied about something but then thinking & talking themselves out of doing something. We self discourage ? I am not sure, I am autistic myself and just thinking outloud. But I know its always a battle against withdrawing into a protective coccoon.

What seems to help me is forcing myself to let logic overrule my more irrational thoughts.