Yeah I am a Wreck....

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Being unemployed, no car or license, living at home, having no friends, and being socially isolated has taken its toll for me for the past several years. Here is a small bio:

While I was certainly college material and taken a few AP courses back in High School, its toll wore me out on my senior year and my grades dropped and I faked being sick to avoid coming back. I never thought about going to graduation since I was angry and do not like large social events/dressing up.

After that, I gained another 100 lbs within 1-1.5 yrs and I was over 450 lbs on the scale. One day I got sick of that and took care of it MY WAY without any set plan or recommendations from family. After a couple of years I got down to 200 lbs and a couple of years after that I had surgery to remove most of the excess skin. Then my weight went back up to 250 lbs and after several months of re-doing my exercise/diet routine the weight stubbornly refuses to go away. It may be swelling I do not know but it is frustrating me.

In that entire time, I have had no social life, never thought of going to college on campus since I would hate the student atmosphere/overcrowded classrooms everyday, and I pretty much sat at home, rotting away trying to distract my empty life with trivial entertainment. Frankly, I have been sick of it for awhile but being in a town with barely over a thousand people with the nearest small city around 15 minutes, I have no way of getting around without my own transportation. I am not sure I can pass the driver's test on my own since I have poor motor skills and I constantly daydream.

Along with my other issues, I have problems with my sensitivity to touch, clothing, and the heat itself. So I am always wearing shorts and a t-shirt all year even if there is a blizzard outside. I can just tolerate the cold with much less hassle compared to everyone I know and have met. When it comes to summer, I sweat way too much and get dehydrated easily. Why is this relevant? In a lot of jobs you are required to wear uniforms or dress codes and have necessary social skills to represent the company and not be a distraction. With my issues, I will fail at this in a time in which employment options are very limited and they are not enough jobs for everyone. It sucks.

I do want to be on my own; I pretty much do my own thing at home and can take care of myself as long as I know what I am doing. Since all the appliances and equipment are not mine, I am afraid of doing something wrong until I am shown how to do it. Then I take care of my business. So I am not dependent of daily living tasks, I need help with a source of income, transportation, and a place to live. I just do not know what the %^&* to proceed and I hate taking risks even know in life you have to do it or left in the dust.

I do want to live a comfortable life without a lot of stress, afford healthy foods, have a cat and get married someday even though I am an Atheist and not that interested in sex but possibly more into cuddling, hugging, etc. But there is no way any of that will be accomplished rotting here clueless on what to do. My parents will provide assistance like they have done or will do with my brother and sister so I do have aid. However, I hate the feeling of always relying on assistance so I do not want to still feel like a mooch even after moving out.

PS: Ever since I was a baby, I have always been EXTREMELY stubborn and I have butted heads with people who wanted me to assimilate with the crowd. Perhaps it is related to my PDD-NOS diagnosis but I think sometimes I think I behave like a bear, especially when it comes to food. People have hidden food away from me since I am always on the lookout to satisfy my sweet tooth.

I apologize for the numerous run-on sentences. At least I typed everything into several paragraphs.

Not wanting to have sex in marriage is going to be a HUGE issue. There are people out there, but you will need to make sure your very clear up front about that.

Do you get any kind of therapy? It sounds like you would benefit from some.

That is not what I meant, my bad. What I mean to say is that I am not into the "one night stand" have sex all the time crowd. I am have some sexual drive but is not nearly as strong as others. It is kind of disgusting for me when people go out all the time and have sex all the time with strangers but that is their choice and I do not really care about that much.

Oh yeah, I have been through several psychiatrists and therapists over the years before I stopped seeing them. It did not work at all. I kept having several prescriptions over the years, including paxil, fluxomine, seroquel, abilify, and others. My body is sensitive as I suffered from various side effects, which may include more weight gain. They were very pushy/demanding on my diet since I was a kid. Their tactics never worked until one day I decided to do things my way and I lost the weight on my own. I have not seen my recent therapist in a few years since it was not working out between us.

It made me have a negative opinion on medications since my body became addicted to them until I personally ended the cycle that would never end.

I suggest that you take small steps towards the goal of an independent life in the future.

Learning to drive and getting your license is a good start. You say that your motor skills and attention are bad, but how bad? Driving a car does not really require much motor prowess, and attentional problems might be modulatable. I also have a habit of zoning out, including while driving, but I find that it helps to have the radio on playing music. The music keeps my mind on the outside world instead of the one inside my own head.

For motor skills, I sometimes drop/knock things over and make a mess. My handwriting looks like chicken-scratch, I always stub my toes into walls, furniture, etc. When trying to place items near a ledge I miscalculated the amount of room required for the object or misjudge where I place it as they fall right off and hit the floor or I catch them.

I kind of have the "bull in the china shop" aura around me so I am worried I would hit other objects or cars when driving or do poorly in parking situations. I have a tendency to break items so that is a major concern.

As for my attention, when it comes to movies and long conversations I tend to get sidetracked and miss key information. It may also play a role in why I drop things or tend to run into objects. I am not sure to be honest. I may fain in situations which demand quick thinking like avoiding an animal or person on the road.

Just being honest in case I sound too critical of myself.

I think that you should give driving a try, because the motor skills and attention problems you describe are not that bad and common for people on spectrum.

Doing anything like work or school in your area would require driving, so that is why I am suggesting driving as the first step towards independence.

Perhaps but it is going to cost money to hire an instructor since I have no friends. The state laws for hours, etc are more demanding I think compared to most states and the state does not differentiate how old the driver is. So I would have to attend mandatory driver's ED but would try finding a private teacher since I am not in the mood to deal with 15-16 yr olds.

Plus I have no plans living in this small town. It is mostly newer residents that have families so not much activity for me. My older sister got away ASAP and just graduated from one of the best universities in the country for medicine about a week ago and is now officially a Dr. Now my younger brother is heading off to a state university near where she lives so the pressure on me to move on has increased. I am the black sheep of the family.

Ever considered going to college over the internet? Even at State Universities, some degrees are 90% online.

I did a couple of online courses at the local community college. It was not too bad but I did have to come over to the campus to take exams/write essays. Back then I had transportation to get there but not anymore.

I would only do Online courses from regionally accredited universities/college. U of P, ITT Tech, Strayer, and those "universities" that spam you with commercials are for profit businesses that have shady practices and degrees that are not respected.

Update: I am going to retake my Learner's Permit test this Friday. It looks like I may be able to get the required Driver's ED and hours behind the wheel needed from one of the businesses. The state also lowered the requirements needed to get a Probationary License for people 25 and older so I can get the license sooner with lesser hours.

I have been discussing college and thinking about how to proceed. The plan is to take 2-3 years of studies online and 1-2 years via a regular brick and motor school. I am trying to review all the information for the state schools in my area and see it my goals are achievable. It is not going to be easy since the major I am leaning towards is Computer Science.

Not sure if my housing arrangements will change in the future but right now the main focus is my Driver's license and starting college. I may be able to move out later this year or the year after but that is all speculation at this point.

I just need to see some results.

Qoool, I think that you are taking the right steps.

woudnt it be possible to move to a area which isnt rural and doesnt need the use of a car to get around? or hell, move countries?,such as to a northern/NW part of england which is cheaper housing and than down south where foreigners tend to think is better,and has decent wide spread ASD support/services/benefts, free travel passes for people on the spectrum,and various job services which are aimed at getting people on the spectrum get jobs.
some independant autists like the challenge of moving countries,and come off better from it.

what about contacting the local vocational rehab and see what sort of help can get with getting a job? there may be a car pool scheme or pick up/transport included.




@btbnnyr.
am mesmerised by the beautiful tabby and white puss,must be a proud mum/dad.