Hey guys. So back in February i left a residential program for people on the spectrum. I had a job as a cashier in a grocery store for 3 months. And i was doing better, even though i had bad anxiety it wasn't affecting me very much or i could handle it. At the time i weighed about 130 pounds (this is important later). So I left and quit my job and moved home and applied for some jobs and hung out with friends and played xbox and blogged and surfed the web and ran my guild. Well now still jobless 4 months later my parents are on me. And my romantic relationship ended with us being friends. and my new romanticish relationship moving 12 hours away yesterday. I have been alone alot but I have noticed I cannot finish a meal anymore. I eat a bite lose my appetite and feel anxious and stop. I now weigh 115 pounds. I know i have alot of stress from trying to get a job, feeling like a burden to my family, having a very tenuous relationship with an ex, just losing a friend, my best guy friend lost his phone and haven't seen him in about a week, im also trying to get an official diagnosis of my anxiety as a disability so i can ask for accommodations when i get a job.
My Anxiety stems from Emitophobia. A fear of vomit. or puking or seeing people or being around them. But also goraphobia. Being afraid of getting a germ that would make me throw up. Or that i may get appendicitis and that will make me throw up as it does to some people. It is so bad i am afraid i cannot have kids or get married. As is i have to be very comfortable with someone to kiss them. even more to drink after them, it means i may be really comfortable with a girl but i wont kiss her for months. As a 20 year old man this is very frustrating. I have had this fear and set of fears for many years but i was medicated and only stopped a year ago. At first it was really bad. But That was from my diet.
You see i have many food allergies. And a weak stomach. so gluten would make me have very bad cramps sometimes making me feel nauseous and would make me have a panic attack. Or to much sugar. or i would get indigestion or gas or a cramp or something. all would cause me to be very anxious. This lead to me developing and eating disorder. Very similar to anorexia except i don't think im fat. I mean at least not consciously. I need to build muscle. after my diet changed i felt alot better and after being in the program this winter my anxiety had gotten so much less and i felt so much better. only 2-3 panic attacks in like 3 months. And my anxiety attacks were minimal. However after i left, And came home my anxiety has climbed.
At first i could eat alot. and i was fine if i felt a bit bad i would handle it well, but as time progresses this got worse and worse. Until about 2 weeks ago I started feeling anxious after taking a bite of food. and i would only eat like 1 meal a day. Usually because i slept so much but i still do it but the meals are smaller. This has been bothering me for quite some time. and I am worried that if i get a job that this would prevent me from working.
All things adding to my anxiety making me more and more worried. But for the most part i am a hobbit in a hole. I leave not often and wash my hands alot and use hand sanitizer. Also if i know a friend of mine has thrown up or anyone in there house i make sure to wait a week before seeing them. Nothing really to bad until today. My ex came over and we were talking and we were close. like forehead to forehead. (not kissing but breathing on each other sure). So we eat and after she is done she said she wanted me to take her home because she felt nauseous and did not want to take the chance of getting sick at my house because she knows me. Of course my heart starts racing and i spit my food out and rush her to my truck where i drive her home barely able to breathe. She asked me what i would do when i got home and i told her and it made her upset that i was freaking out so bad.
I came home and Clorox'd things and put it on anything i could have touched or she had. then i put anything i could have touched in rubbing alcohol and cleaned stuff and washed my hand a few times and wouldn't even wash her plate. i was going to shower and use rubbing alcohol on my face. use Listerine maybe.
She is fine and never even got sick. Of course i only post this 2 hours after i took her home.
My point is i really flipped. I don't know what i would have done if she had a stomach virus. Not eaten for a few days. and been panicking. And like i said before i want to be able to marry someone one day and take care of them. and live through food poisoning and things with out being tempted to kill myself first. I don't want to be a dad who has to run outside every time a kid says there tummy hurts. Or what about when my wife has morning sickness? just leave her there? and im afraid of people who drink because they might throw up. I have a meeting scheduled with my psychiatrist to get the diagnoses for a disability in like 2 weeks. And i am going to mention it to here. Also maybe go see my dietitian. But my doctor will just tell me i need drugs. but i don't want them i don't even remember most of high school cause i was on drugs the whole time. and we just had to keep upping the dose every few years because it got to be ineffective. I ended up with night sweats sexual dysfunction i was groggy alot and i was very depressed And had loss of interest. I was pretty happy earlier in the year and i think having a job will help me feel more stable. But my point is a month ago i had anxiety but not this bad i wasn't even afraid of getting sick, i was afraid to call people on the phone my anxiety was there but it wasn't about throwing up anymore but it has shifted back.
I wrote all of this down to help me and to ask for help. I gave most of the info I know but feel free to ask about something. Anything you can do to help is appreciated. Like maybe a way to gain weight or clam down or how to help my anxiety maybe even something to make me less stressed out. Or how to live with this issue the rest of my life. Like i said I am getting some professional help but i feel all they can do is give me drugs. It wasn't until today i am realizing how bad it is. 15 pounds in 4 months. depression. eating disorder. anxiety. jobless in my parents basement. I don't even do much gaming anymore.
Thanks for your time,
-Zarok
21 Jun 2013, 9:09 pm
