I just don't know what to do?

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Sorry guys, this post ended up being a lot longer than I expected. I just needed to straighten out my head. I haven't been this stressed in a long time.

I recently finished uni and had to leave my student accommodation there and move back to my hometown. Like a lot of graduates, I have had to move in with one of my parents due to a severe lack of funds.

My family situation is somewhat complicated, but not unusual. The month I left to go to uni, my mom left my dad to move in with her current partner, who she had been seeing for many years (unbeknownst to us). As expected this caused a lot of emotional upheaval for both of my parents and my two younger siblings and I was unable to help or really take part as they adjusted to these changes.

My dad has since been having a mid-life crisis. He has several girlfriends on the go at once and is always flirting with women on the internet. He makes impulse purchases of things like fast cars, fancy TVs, even remodelling various areas of the house to suit his bachelor taste. My younger brother lives with him and has finished college, but has no motivation in life and spends all of his time playing online video games and smoking weed. My sister had to move back in with them because her accommodation fees were too high but continues to study at uni and is having a hard time living with my brother and dad. She regularly rants and unloads her problems on to me, but I am unable to really do anything for her.

Although I used to live in my dad's house, he gave my room to my brother a year ago. Since then it is currently half-stripped, no bed, old bits of furniture and filled with junk. My brother still uses his old room. I essentially have no room there and would have to sleep on the couch. As a result, my mom offered to take me in instead, as she and her partner have a spare bedroom and another spare room they were using as storage which she suggested I could convert into a small home office/studio space to work in. I took her up on the offer, but she and especially her partner were clearly not expecting just how much stuff I had accumulated over 3 years which I have tried to cram into one small room.

Since then, I have been dealing with a lot of stress: no set routine, hard to find anything because it's all still packed away, having to sign on to Jobseekers and trying to find a job, having various uni-related things to organise and go to, and trying to clear out the spare room, for which I am buying all of the new furniture. And as it turns out, my mom and her partner have been having relationship problems for a while now, and my being here has simply added fuel to the fire.

Her partner dislikes change, which I of course understand, and so the current situation is extremely stressful for him as much as my mom and I. There is constant tension between the two of them, and now myself as well. He feels as though he is an intruder in his own house, like my mom and I are taking over, despite him living here for many years. My mom feels as though he no longer loves her and is upset that he is being so negative and angry about my being here, thinking he is using me as an excuse for their degrading relationship. I feel terribly guilty for imposing on them both and just want both of them to be happy.

This all came to a head this evening, when they got into a shouting match and included me in their comments while I was in the adjacent room, all the doors open. Both of them were very upset and I had no idea what to say or do. My stress levels hit the roof. When they finally decided to ignore each other at opposite ends of the house, I escaped to my room and had a minor meltdown, crying, rocking, hand twisting, beating my head and cutting my arm. The destructive impulses are ones I've had recent success in replacing with less damaging stims, but I was too overwhelmed to stop.

Eventually I calmed down enough to bandage myself up and collected all of my things from around the house - coats from the closet, shoes from by the front door etc - and brought them into my room to try and ease her partner's stress. I tried to talk to my mom but I can't do physical contact and I'm terrible at comfort. I couldn't even look in her direction because I didn't want to upset her by adding my stress and problems to the pile. In the end my mom and I went out for fish and chips and sat in the car until late, then came home and went to bed. She suggested that we might have to leave, but although I could stay on my dad's couch, there's nowhere for my things, and my mom would have to stay on the sofa at my grandmother's.

I don't know what to do. None of us has anywhere else to go and none of us has any money if we did leave. I feel like a terrible burden on them. I can't handle this level of stress and I'm frustrated with both of them for allowing me to come here in the first place when they were having difficulties. I wish I could figure out how to fix the whole situation but I know that life doesn't work like that. My head feels like it's about to burst.

I just don't know what to do.

try to support your mom with words. remind her that you care about her. let your mom work out her own relationship with her boyfriend. steer clear as you are already doing. the boyfriend sounds like he doesn't want to share your mom's attention, kind of selfish and immature. keep that to yourself, though. if mom works things out with him she'll hold negative comments against you.


try to stay out from under foot - no loud music, shower at non-busy times, etc.

remember that it's not your fault when two other people fight. take care of yourself. eat right. get enough sleep. keep looking for jobs.

if you have to move out, maybe you could put your stuff in storage. I had stuff in storage for a while. to store all the contents of a packed two-bedroom apt. cost me $70/month. smaller units are less.

If I was in your shoes I'd be exactly the same place as you - lost. This doesn't sound like one of those easy fix situations. Yeah, that house seems volatile and probably detrimental to your health. I can see you going back to your father's house. Hopefully it's better there that at your mom's where it seems like it's toxic. Good luck, fellow spectrumite.

Thanks for your understanding, guys.

The situation this morning is that my mom's partner has left the house for a few days. He left after smashing a mug he got on their last holiday together, but I'm not sure if it means anything. I've cleared up the broken pieces so nobody steps on them but it was a very out of character move for him.

I talked to my mom as well, and we have decided to carry on, give him some space and she will try and talk to him once he calms down. None of us have the money to leave so if needs be she can sleep in the spare bedroom I'm currently using and I will put an air bed into the spare room we're in the middle of fixing up. That way we will all have some 'space' of our own while we try and save up enough money to move out.

My mom apologised for upsetting me. She knows I have issues and that's part of why she is annoyed by her partner not being very understanding. I told her that I understand the situation and that it is not her fault. Both of them have legitimate reasons to be upset, but things have spiralled from there and now there is just not an easy answer. I will try and keep out of the way as well. If things still do not improve I will probably ask my dad if I can sleep on his couch for a bit.

Cathylynn, storage is a good suggestion, I'll have a look and see if I can find something reasonably priced nearby.

Even though I know this isn't my fault (although I may have added fuel to the fire) the entire situation is still very stressful and my stimming is stressing my mom out further so I'm going to try and keep to myself and try to keep calm. My meds seem to be helping a little so we'll see how we go.

Thanks for the support, it's nice to have somewhere to vent as I have no-one to talk to about this IRL.

Immediate storage - ask to use a bit of space in your old room at your Dad's for non-essentials, to make it less cluttered for now.

Offer to spend a night or two a week away on your Dad's couch, to give them some couple alone time.
This might ease things until you can find your own place.