Self diagnosing

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Hi i have joined because i suddenly realised the other day, after watching something on t.v. that my 48 year old husband had most probably been suffering from AS all our married life, 30 years. It has left a mixture of feelings, relief because i can now understand his 'strange' behaviour and it makes sense now and sadness that i didn't realise before and all the years that might have been improved if i had known. I love him dearly but sometimes i feel as if i am different as well, for the simple fact that i have stayed in this relationship and never really questioned his behaviour he wont go anywhere different, we have to do the same things everyday, he is not all that keen on visitors and is obsessed with learning all there is to know on martial arts, falun gong and meditation, which he practices everyday twice a day on his own and nothing must interfere with it. So when we go on holiday it has to be somewhere peaceful where he can practice. I am hoping to get some ideas on how to cope and improve things for both of us.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Practising a martial art/meditation helps many people with AS stay calm and keep from being overwhelmed. I do t'ai chi, and my son does aikido. Going someplace peaceful is always better for me than going someplace stressful, like an amusement park or a city.

My son has an AS diagnosis. He learned everything he could, then informed me that I met all the criteria for AS, too. I have to agree with him, although I can't afford to get formally diagnosed. Once my husband accepted that I probably have AS, it improved our marriage. Things he thought he was doing wrong, or was doing wrong, he now puts down to differences in communication styles. For example, it used to drive him crazy that I never asked him something directly, like for a glass of water. Now he realizes it's just the way my mind works. I make more of an effort to be direct about my wants and needs, but it is difficult, and when I'm tired or stressed, I forget.

On the other hand, sometimes my husband feels a little left out,like when our son and I are talking about the fine points of grammar, or when to use a semicolon. (Luckily, my son and I have a shared interest in languages and English grammar, without which we might not be as close as we are.) Other times he feels shut out by the way we communicate on a different level than neurotypical people do. On the whole, we are blessed to have such a sweet, supportive husband and father. He loves and accepts us just the way we are, too.

Welcome to the forum! I wish I could offer useful words, but maybe the most I can say is...knowledge is empowering. Try not to feel sad and try to enjoy things on your own, too, that you like to do, if he won't join you. You have stayed with him for 30 years which probably means you know he is a good man. So, try to relax, enjoy your life in ways you'd like to and communicate your wants and needs in a way that is non-judgemental of him. I'll bet you will find that he will understand, too.

Hi and welcome.