Closing the Deal and Breaking the Seal: AS and Virginity

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Around here, I can freely admit to not breaking the seal and never having a girlfriend at the age of 29 and not feel like a complete freak of nature. But for the rest of the world that isn't necessarily so understanding, this will open up a huge can of worms. Usually, this will be inappropriate questions, like, "What the hell is wrong with you?" and the like. Especially since I don't have acne and excessive body hair, and I don't look like the victim of repeated facial trauma.

The bottom line is that at a certain point, virginity was a badge of honour, but somewhere along the lines, saving oneself for marriage became an unrealistic aspect of relationships in general, especially since if the person you're with kinda sucks in the bedroom (and you know which "sucks" I'm talking about). I presume that for girls it ain't necessarily a picnic (I haven't seen "Wedding Crashers", but I know of the thing regarding being clingy), but considering that most guys in general are not that picky (that, and you got the whole tightness thing to consider...crude, but true), virgin girls have it easier. For guys...well...considering that we're the ones that are supposed to lead, wear the pants, and know where to find destinations without maps, it's definitely not a picnic.

My question is twofold:

1: Most people are unaware of Asperger's Syndrome and won't necessarily know what it's like to be unable to read people or express themselves on an emotional level, so they won't necessarily understand if you are to tell anyone with whom you are in a relationship. So, at what point do you tell them?

2: When asked point-blank if I'm a virgin, of course, the appropriate answer is, "Sure I am. Just like Justin Timberlake when he was still dating Brittney Spears" (said with huge ca-ca-eating grin). But, if the relationship becomes serious, sooner or later, it will come up. And yes, I know, in the right relationship where everything else is in place, that shouldn't matter. But, at what point should it be honestly addressed? Or is this something that is entirely dependent on the relationship?

I can help you out if you're willing, I need more info though. PM me. It's not THAT hard to get laid, I bet most of the reason why you haven't is because you are

1) Disinterested
2) Anxious fearful
3) You're trying to get something out of her (i.e. sex) instead of engaging her as a human being.

And thats just at the tip of the iceberg... am I right at all?

1. You don't tell girls you have Aspergers until you get better at socializing (i.e. actually have FRIENDS, both men and women) and have built up some kind of social circle, and you are regularly going out and socializing after work, etc. In my experience telling girls you have what they interpret as a "psychological problem" is NOT recommended, period. It's kind of like making an excuse for being lame, boring, uninteresting. I don't do it anymore.

2. You always say you are NOT a virgin, period. Many girls have "deflowered" guys and have had bad experiences, it's not THAT hard to please a girl, read up on cunningulus and sexual techniques, there is PLENTY of information on the net. www.fastseduction.com , www.sosuave.net (the forums).

My 2 cents:

1. I think if you're really interested in the person, i think once you break that boundary of being casual strangers and reach friendship level, its best to confess.... I think (NT perspective) once that appreciation is there for you as a person, not only will they be more understanding but it'll give the person in question an opportunity to find only more to love about you... if you have a few reservations about telling, then maybe you're not as close to them as you've thought because if your friends or lovers appreciate you they will most certainly appreciate the Aspie side of you and that you trusted them enough to tell them in the first place...Besides, it'll give you less to worry about if you come forward sooner because "the secret is out"...

2. I addressed this in the beginning of the relationship with my boyfriend... only problem is that its a hell of a lot easier for a woman to say shes a virgin than a man without feeling belittled and or behind.....Naturally i will wait (since you are a guy) until you're a little into the relationship... only because only two reactions can be expected- 1. She'll appreciate the inexperience and admire that you don't have experience or 2. She'll be freaked out or, in the very least, a little bit off-put.... if you wait until you've gotten to know the person it won't stress you so much as to what she'll think of you...

i hope my advice finds you well, friend!

caramel

I have not lost my virginity, but I would imagine that the best time to lose it is when you are in a committed relationship, and you and your partner are at the same comfort level.

I am not really a "wait until marriage" person, but I am not promiscuous either. I would want to be with someone who is at a happy medium in regards to this.

Tim

I would probably mention it after the fact. I really don't think being a virgin makes you sexually incompetent. Just "practice." It's not like origami or anything.

I had this problem at one point. I solved it by hiring an escort. The first time sex felt good, although a little mechanical, given my situation and all. The girl was pretty cool to talk to, though. Now whenever I girl asks me if I'm a virgin, I can safely (and truthfully) answer "no."

No. It´s not easier being an asperger-virgin-and-almost-27-year-old/young girl. It´s no longer the 50´s... Being over 21 and a virgin (female or not) is these days thought of as strange and very odd. In 2007: if you´re a normal (well...) healthy person, you´re supposed to have had lots of sex. With lots of people. How and when would I (if I ever meet a guy who´s actually worth it) drop the "oh, and bye the way, I´m a virgin"-bomb? I´m thinking he would...run like the wind.

/S.

I've been wondering how to explain this one to potential dates.... I am 29, currently married (definitely separating, maybe divorcing), and I have a 3½ year old. Obviously I have had sex... but only ever with one partner, and I honestly can't imagine having sex with anyone else. To me, it would almost be like the first time all over again. I don't know how I'll be able to get someone to understand this, and that's one of the things that makes me so nervous about the prospect of dating.

Go_lightly,

Its not a problem for most guys.

The question is...is it a problem for you?

A guy who likes you enough to go to bed with you wont mind.

Of course you could just not tell him until after.

Unless i'm missing the point of the thread, my thinking is sex changes a relationship dramatically. It will often happen that one party or the other will discover post-sex that the relationship isnt right for them. This is why I think no sex b4 marraige is the worst idea in history from a humanistic point of view. the concept was invented so that women would be supported financialy when pregnant. However with contraception, this takes a back seat to the task of finding someone who's right for you. You need to find someone who's good for you. Thats the bottom line.

Sex changes things. Have it already. Its not that special but it can change things for better and worse in a relationship. Go into it knowing that.\

Also, your first time will never be good. Don't feel down on yourself if thats what happens.

Okay, quick update. I met somebody. She's nice. She's reeheeeeeally nice, and as far as I can tell, not NT/AS. And, I've established enough of a connection that we can be honest with each other. So, she knows about my situations. As in, all of them...my diagnoses, my neuroses, my insecurities, and my lack of experience.

And yes, she wants me. In that way.

I'm feeling really good right now. Really good.

there really is part of me that wants to just start wearing a t-shirt that says something like "hans asperger's owned face" just to side step that whole "coming clean" angle