disappointed in my son's behavior

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My DS5 has this problem too, but he is getting better. And I still have the same problem too and I'm 41! With my son, however, I do stop him when I see it, pull him aside and gently explain to him the better way of handling the situation. He usually can go back to the situation and implement my suggestions... it is not perfect but getting better.

I know for myself, I have a hard time with the black and white thinking. If I get upset over something, it is because I see the incident as the status quo, and that is the way things will be forever and ever til the end of time and I will be upset every day and it will just get worse and worse--not as a one-time scenario. It is in a sense catastrophizing, and so my emotions tend to be on the extreme/strong side. I need to have someone reassure me that it is not forever, and even then it is still hard for me to come out of it.

One point I noticed was about loseing on purpose to the younger sister. This is something I still get flak for with my decade younger half brothers, to me I just can't do this or see the point of playing a game with a fixed result as the point of any game or competition is to do your very best and get your best result possible. I don't see anything wrong in this, its our job to be the very best we can be, right? It states right in the rules the object of the game is to win. Thats not the beheaviour of a bully at all, more black and white concrete thinking.

A compromise I used to do though is handicap myself by say picking a slower car or weaker player then my brother in a game to give everyone a equal chance of winning, that way I could still play the game property. Perhaps its best to try to encourage games that are based more on pure chance then skill or even better non-competitive bonding activites.

I love the compromise ideas! Another idea on a board game would be to have the younger child get a head start, or have the younger child take 4 turns to your three. Something like that.

My dd10 was being terrible to her brother (5) not so long ago... what did I do?

well, I got a special bowl (see through) and some coloured rocks/stones from the garden shop and made being caring a game... competition if you will. If one could catch the other being caring, sharing, helpful, loving or any other positive action they could report it to me for a coloured stone. The coloured stone went in the bowl and the plan was they needed to catch each other to fill the bowl for a reward at the end of the week. Rewards started small... $2 each to spend at the local shop the first week, a fancy icecream the next, right up to a visit to a park they both enjoy on the last weekend of the month before the cycle started again. We made it easy... about 30 stones filled the jar. We celebrated every stone. "She got me a spoon for my yogurt" gets a stone, a random hug when one feels sad... a kind word... ANYTHING positive got a stone. At first they were filling the jar in just a few days, (the efforts were fun to watch) then they settled and now will easily fill it within the week but are looking past the common caring... they have started being kind by default and barely noticing! They were working together to get a common goal, they couldnt help but be more positive. The trick was that the person RECEIVING the kindness had to nominate THE GIVER of kindness... so they couldnt backhand compliment or say something 'nice'in a snarky way...

Might crash and burn but for us it worked brilliantly... maybe worth a shot?

Good luck, sibling love/hate is a constant balance. Xx

no but she wants to do work like her big bro, so she gets a book and gets to do whatever in it. she calls it schoolwork! makes her feel like a big kid

no but she wants to do work like her big bro, so she gets a book and gets to do whatever in it. she calls it schoolwork! makes her feel like a big kid

Sometimes it is the "job" of a older sibling to help their younger sibling learn something new and gain confidence. At that point, you are not truly playing the game, you are helping someone else learn something. The object of the "game" at that point is different. It may be to be a good role model, to demonstrate the rules, to build self-esteem...really depends upon the kid involved.

Your method is how my husband taught me to play chess as an adult. He started by removing...I don't remember....4 or 5 of his own pieces, and playing me full force (but weakened due to missing pieces). As I became regularly able to beat him, he'd add one of his pieces back, and it would be harder for me. As it became easier, he added another piece back, until we were playing each with all of our pieces.

I am going to quibble with this one b/c this comes from the parents' perspectives not the older child's. Parents with multiple children have historically expected older children to help take care of and "play" with their younger children. Much of this had to do with how many chores adults had to do, prior to industrialization and the age of invention. Also this was when families might have had 10 kids and not enough time to take care of them individually. It was this way probably since the beginning of socialized humankind. So parents tend to think these things axiomatically. Today's burdens on older children seem like nothing compared to when there were real demands placed on older children, particularly girls to help with the child rearing. (Older boys might have had to do other types of work)

However, from the child's perspective, they do not look at it this way. Unless they like their younger sibling enough to want to be their playmate helper (not love mind you, but like) it is looked on as an unfair burden. They did not have any choice in the matter of having a younger sibling (nor should they) and they do not understand why not only do they have to share Mommy and Daddy, but they are expected to be an instant friend, role model and sometimes teacher, who is held accountable to a higher standard due to age or maturity.

It is natural for parents to want this, but it is natural for an older sibling to think it is unfair. I know one is supposed to teach that family is a cooperative unit and hope that "admiration" is sufficient payback, but I don't know any older sibling who viewed it like that at the time. I don't really know what is "fair" to expect an older child to do, but I would think that there ideally should be some clear communication that the older child is getting some privileges based on age and maturity. That really doesn't have to do with the OPs issue of being mean to a younger sibling absent these other issues.

(Note bias: I am an older sibling raised by 2 crazy youngest siblings who thought it was not "fair" for the eldest to have a later bedtime or any other privilege that the younger one could resent, despite a fairly significant age gap. My parents had a clear younger child bias and so I have my own issues relating to this that I am bringing to the discussion Also, it is easy for me to have these views as I have an only child and do not have to deal with them in real life..)

I don't expect my son to take care of his sister. I don't expect him to help her, to do ANYTHIGN but be civil to her. to not go out of his way to outdo her and then rub it in her face. to not constantly point out that she is wrong about just about everything, and how little she knows about everything.

Quite the opposite, my 4yo DD takes care of her 8yo brother. She does anything he asks, she get shim his PJs puts his clothing in the laundry, gets him water, puts his shoes away, plays what he wants to play, puts his toothbrush away, cleans up his mess, and the list can go on and on. she does this on her own accord. I am always telling her to let him do it himself, but honestly, that is the only time he is nice to her is when she is doing something for him. At the young age of 4, she already knows this.

Crap.

I responded to you, but I must have closed my browser before it posted because it is not here.

Sorry.

InThisTogether, No worries, my post was kind of rambling, anyway.

The Queen of Rambling Posts didn't even notice