Did one of your parent not understand you have Aspergers?

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My dad (And his sister) doesn't seem to understand that I have Aspergers.

A lot of times he thinks he can discipline it out of me. Like he doesn't understand I have trouble understanding what's appropriate and what's not. And a lot of times we fight.

Were any of your parents like this?

No, they just accepted me.

I think one of my parents (who studied psychology) is coming around to the idea (I'm in my 40s), the other one hasn't accepted it. There was lots of trouble as a teen, they couldn't figure out what the problem was, and neither could I.

My father still doesn't necessariy accept it, though I think in the past few years, at least, he's come around to the point where he realizes there's something 'messed up' about the way my mind works, as he put it.
My sister, who has a master's in psychology still doesn't acept it and hasn't spoken to me in 14 years, though that's mainly a form of extreme denial on her part since if she did she'd have to accept the fact that the meltdowns/rages she deliberately goaded me into over&over&over while we were growing up were never my fault and that instead of her being the victim (she triggered the meltdowns, therefore she'd get the crap kicked out of her by a raging me), I was and that she in fact tortured me the whole time we were growing up.
I'm willing to forgive her for her cruel behavior, but apparently she's still unwilling to forgive me for behavior I had no control over.
As my mom says, she's a judgemental b****.

Both of my parents understood that I'm on the spectrum. They wouldn't accept it and they tried to raise it out of me. I've talked about obsessions last night in another thread. My parents dealt with me the way they did and raised me the best they could, because I'm a Child of The Late 70s/80s and there wasn't sound advice for parents of spectrum children back in those days. I've been working on forgiving and I have a handle on the forgiveness most of the time. Perhaps if I was more mentally and emotionally tougher, my past wouldn't be broadcasted here as much. The reality is that I'm a Heart Aspie instead of a Logic Aspie.

In retrospect, Autism was likely rampant on my dad's side of the family. Everyone was undiagnosed (they were born in 1900s-1920s). At least half of them showed what I now know are symptoms of Autism.

My mom, a maintenance drinker, when she would get drunk-mad at me would recite a refrain "you heartless, unfeeling c**ksucker; you stupid, stupid kid, you're just like your f**king father." When she was sober it was "Oh X, you're so special, so gifted." My parents divorced early, of course. Dad probably just couldn't handle her irrational outbursts.

My dad, on the other hand, took out a loan to buy me a computer at age 12 when the neighbors complained that I was monopolizing their "game computer" teaching myself to program it. I remember him making challenges for me (Him looking at VisiCalc, an early spreadsheet app, and saying "I bet you could program a chess game just using that program.")

He also taught me other "tricks of the trade": we'd go fishing a lot, "because when it [life] gets overwhelming, you can just come out here. The fast water blocks out distractions so you can think, and the slow water is very calming to just sit and watch." When he passed I spent every moment of the next 3 years in the woods.

When I was 9, as part of train modelling, he taught me basic electricity, the supporting math, as well as the necessary algebra & geometry to plan & build a layout.

I don't know for sure, but I'm fairly confident that he knew I saw and heard differently from most. It may be confirmation bias, but there is a considerable amount of circumstantial evidence tucked-away in my memories.


So now when I think back on my mom's angry refrain all I can think is "you goddamn right I'm just like my father, b***h!"

I'm the logic-type. I cannot even imagine how much more challenging my life would have been had I not been able to blankly stare at my mom as she ranted-on, and smile in amusement at her rage. If I were more feeling, I'd probably have internalized a lot more of it than I did.

I came to forgiveness relatively early. I was perhaps a year or two into college when I realized that society, and the people in it, are all just a continuum. We're all a product of our emotional & intellectual capacity, coupled with our life experiences.

How she was raised, and what she learned as she moved through life, etc., she was doing the best she could with the tools and the knowledge she had. She made some crappy choices--who plans to have a kid at age 45?--but I can't fault her for the mental abuse any more than I can fault the earth's axis for giving us winter. Things could not have happened any other way.

When I was young, there was officially no such thing as either Autism or Asperger Syndrome, it was simply called "slacker with a sh*tty attitude" and the attempt to discipline it out of you was the only solution available. It didn't work of course, but there were no other therapies to try, so they continued to use it incessantly, hoping it would eventually take.

I suppose I came to some sort of 'forgiveness' when I realized as a teen that they honestly had no comprehension of who I was, nor were they ever going to be able to understand. I was an alien species to them and trying to communicate with them was like expecting them to understand the squeaks and chirps of a dolphin.

ok, here's the thing.... I was adopted. Twice, actually. So I am not really related to "those people" and it caused a ton of problems, - first adopted 'dad' killed himself when I was 5, so no use including him, second adopted 'dad' and I have not spoken in 20 years, adopted 'female person B**ch and I have not spoken in 30 years.

It caused HUGE problems, I was not like other kids they had, or knew and I had no one to compare myself to and the misunderstandings led to abuse.

There was "no such thing as aspergers" when I was young {of course there was but you know, nobody knew about it} so my 'parents' thought I was just willfull and difficult. Possibly weird. I have no intensions of talking to them now that I know about my ASD. I could not stand it if they used it as a reason to justify how they treated me. I have no expectation that they would actually be sorry for the misunderstandings. They would just use it to justify just how difficult it really was to deal with me. They would feel bad for themselves for being stuck with me, not the other way around.

I hope that sums it up and answers the question. My parents didn't understand me, they certainly did not understand I have aspergers. Or anything "legitimate" or diagnosable wrong with me, just a bad attitude

Last edited by fleurdelily on 15 Nov 2013, 2:50 am, edited 5 times in total.

My parents praised my obsessions (painting, piano, and math) and were glad I did well academically, but my dad was bothered by my meltdowns and sensory issues. He tried to make me tougher by making me work as a laborer for his construction company packing out insulation, sheetrock, and other debris from worksites and would respond to meltdowns with "you need to grow up emotionally" or "men don't cry".

I wasn't diagnosed until I moved out and think most people just thought of me as weird/smart.

That's my story, too. Dad was always pissed with my attempts at doing things like wash the car or even clip my nails, but he praised my "genius" in physics, even though I couldn't throw a ball. Mom thought I had friends (I didn't). Dad ridiculed me and called me a hermit (which I was). When I had a meltdown they both thought I was more or less being a big baby and "spoiled rotten."

Frankly, both my parents had so many of their own narcissistic issues that they pretty much ignored me while I lived in own my world and they went through a vicious divorce. Even to think upon it now is to have a glimpse into hell.

Since I got my diagnosis at the age of 44, Dad is dead now, and when I called my mom to tell her, she actually couldn't remember my childhood well enough to "get" that I'm Asperger's. Lord Jesus Christ, that angers me so much - please have mercy on me! Now all she cares about is that I handle my "issues" -- as if this is something I can cure. I feel misunderstood and sad -- and very angry, too. I'm an Aspie, damn it, and I'm proud of that!

I don't know if they understand.
My father cannot understand as he does not know about my diagnosis.
My brother understands that I am different, but I don't think he is reading about autism, I am his "weird little sister", but he says it's ok.
For my mother I don't know.
If people do not tell me directly I do not know what they think.

They really couldn't ignore it in me. I had a major speech delay (technically a speech disorder) that lasted into Kindergarten which, along with behavioral problems, got me put in special ed. I seemed to exhibit both internalizing and externalizing behaviors, like anxiety, tension, beating myself up for the former, and frequent outbursts and impulsive behavior for the latter. I also had affect dysregulation and problems with my thought processes that were also observed. All of these issues combined to greatly handicap me socially, to where I could not function in a regular classroom. My parents were aware (probably painfully so).

I was initially diagnosed with PDD-NOS at 5/6, but for some reason it was changed to Asperger syndrome at 13, even though I had the speech delay.

If your father knows you are diagnosed as having a neurological condition that affects how you think and he's trying to use physical or other types of punishment to force you to not have the condition any more, he's abusing you.

Report this, even if you're not a minor. From the sounds of things you're in a situation where this person can have serious negative effects on you, and they need to have their head straightened out for them. If they want to use force on you, lets see how they like having the authorities use force on them.

No.

My parents didn't know about it when I was younger, and they still don't actually. I think most of my family has always thought of me as quirky, smart, quiet, irritable, sensitive to sensory input, and very logical and particular. They also know I have meltdowns sometimes. They had no label for this, but that is who they have come to know me as. I was often disciplined harshly by my father for some of these "issues." However, now that I am out of the house and don't have to deal with that anymore, we get along better. My mom and one of my sisters work with severely autistic children, so they have likely suspected that I am on the spectrum for a long time. My mom has brought up Asperger's to me in the past and my sister has said comments like, "you look overstimulated right now." So, again, although we don't label things, there is some level of understanding that this is who I am.

Now my other relatives, that's another story...they have seen me as a spoiled brat because of my meltdowns. They did not agree with the way my mother "babied" me. They do not understand that "tough love" does not "fix" an Aspie.