Narcassistic Personality Disorder

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Is anyone here familiar with Narcassistic Personality Disorder?

I only learned about it a few months ago, and suspect that both my mother, and sister have this. Luckily, I currently only live with my sister, but I'm finding that the two of them can be very draining on me. There are days where they don't let on, and it's as though everything is normal. When it does show, it's extremely ugly.

With my mother, it comes in the form of lies, deception, and manipulation. Once, my sister and I lived together, in another place we were renting. My mother would plead for me to come home, and live with her instead constantly. I said no, as my mother's behaviours were making it impossible to live with her. I'm certain it's the root cause of my stress.

Then one day, my mother and sister went out to dinner, with my mothers new partner. During their dinner, my mother called me, and I could hear my sister laughing with her partner. My mother told me my sister was going to move in with another friend, and that I had no choice but to live with her. Obviously this upset me. When my sister came home, she was irritable, and angry with me. I thought that I had done something wrong, and she didn't want me here anymore. Panicked, I called a friend, and luckily his room mate was moving out, and he was struggling to find someone to fill the room, so I was in.

It wasn't until our lease was ending, that I asked my sister what we should do about the washing machine, as we had bought it together. She was baffled, and had no idea that I was planning to move out. When I told her about the phone conversation, it became apparent to the both of us that my mother had staged this, in an effort to get what she wanted.

This is merely one of the stories. I have many more, and it's become clear to me now that I can never fall in to the trap of trusting my mother ever again.

The reason my sister was angry and irate with me, I believe, is because she too has this, which causes her to look down on me, and treat me like a second class citizen. I often find that if friends, or even strangers, approach her, asking for help, she is obliging. When I do the same, she shuts me down, and burns me. Punishes me for daring. Even though I have been there for her time and time again. She often guilts me in to helping her, often playing the 'I'm your baby sister' card. She always has a way of making me feel that it's my duty to help her, which most of the time I'm only to happy to do anyway, but it is a thankless job, and is never repaid. I'm tired of feeling like her minion.

The last straw for me, was when I approached her about my suspicions that I may have Asprger's. She crucified me; accused me of lying, and trying to seem special, by making up stories. It was hurtful that she wouldn't even recognise that I needed help, or even acknowledge that there was a problem. I'm seeing a professional soon, in the hopes of confirming my diagnoses, but to be honest, the behaviours I've witnessed, and experienced, seem too good to not be true.

I don't know if this is what they have, but it sure sounds like it. I feel burnt out all the time, and unloved. I have grown to hate my family for this, which I never wanted, but what choice do I have? If anyone can help me understand this better, I would appreciate it greatly.

There definitely seems to be a lot of manipulation going on, by both your mom and your sister. I can sort of relate to what's going on with your sister. My sister (older) treats me like a second class citizen sometimes and it can hurt. It wasn't until recently that I realized that she's just scared and insecure, and takes it out on me, who for awhile would put up with it.

I read about the traits that a narcissist has, and I was pretty upset when I saw a lot of myself in those traits. The main ones I remember were being quick to criticize others, yet I would get super hurt when someone pointed out any of my flaws, even in a kind way. I think what it all boils down to is just being insecure, and so bringing other people down is a good way to feel "even" with other people. It's a messed up way to live and think. I've realized that everyone has fears and insecurities, but some people just deal it with in more hurtful ways.

Best of luck to you

Hi MisterE

Thanks for your response. Now that I think of it, that makes perfect sense; it's essentially bullying isn't it? And bullies are generally scared themselves. I'll keep that in mind in future. And yes...it's more drama than I care for.

I'm sorry to hear that your sister mistreats you this way as well. I wish you the best of luck too.

I was once very angry about a group of ppl and blamed them for all kind of things. Later on I found out that this is propably paranoia. Noone recognized it correctly at the beginning, being less severe, not even professionals.

I was miss-dx more than once in my life. From family who thought they knew what I would have and even from mental health professionals. Be carefull, labeling your family...!
Labels have the power to change the way you might think and feel about others.

Hi Raziel

A valid point, and one I have had in mind, time and time again, don't worry. These issues have been troubling me for a life time. I wouldn't pin it all on a single event. Obviously, without a diagnoses, I can never be sure, but like suspecting Aspergers, sometimes it fits in a little too well.

In saying that, after reading my previous post, would you conclude that my family has my best interests at heart? It's not just the anger; being manipulated by your own family, or even neglected, is very painful. And it's not just me who's noticed; I know they've done the same thing to others. Those they do not require respect from (never work friends, or in laws). They both have a history of friends, or partners, that have burned bridges with them, due to the same reasons.

My mothers former partner told my mother that my sister was the reason he left an eleven year relationship with her. My sister never liked him. My mother lost at least 4-5 friends after he left, because she stayed with friends after the fall out, and after only a few months, they kicked her out, each and every one.

Before that story in my previous post, about my mum trying to con me to come home to her, this was the follow up. I was living at home, with my mother. Her partner worked a fly in, fly out job. I approached my mother for advice when I was feeling down. I told her I was lost in life after struggling to get in to the career I wanted. I told her I was planning on putting my dreams aside to consider buying a house. She knew I was vulnerable, and convinced me to travel overseas (she often tries to find ways for me to meet a boy, so I can give her grand children). I didn't think it was a good idea, but she persuaded me. She said, don't worry, the house is still here, once you return, you can always make more money. Just live at home, until you can afford a deposit on a house. A week before my trip; all expenses paid, she tells me she's moving to another state, and renting out the house, so I can't stay there, then asked what I was going to do about it. She didn't even have a reason for going, her and her partner just felt like it. This is why I moved in with my sister in the first place, and after that stunt, I wasn't willing to come back when she begged me.

The worst my sister has ever done, was when I was living with my friend. My sister I can handle better than my mother, as she doesn't abuse me as often, and she wasn't living with me at the time. She would still call me and demand to borrow money, which she always payed back, so it wasn't so bad. I even leant her my car for 3 months. And for her 21st birthday, she guilted me in to making a slide show of all her photos, from her baby pictures, through to present day. As her baby photos weren't digital copies, it took me a solid week to make the slide show, from scanning, putting them on a timeline, and exporting to film. She never thanked me. Then, when I was in a predicament, I needed her legal advice. About 4 people at work, including myself had come down with something, and we all knew it had been caused by our work, and work wasn't going to admit they had anything to do with it. Problem was, it was affecting our abilities to do our job. I told my sister about it, and asked for legal advice, as she was a final year law student. She turned around and bit my head off, telling me she was tired of people always asking for legal advice. The one time I ever asked for help, and she made me feel guilty for doing so. In the end, I lost my job, and now have a health condition that makes looking for a new one difficult.

Maybe at times they act like my family, but many times I can't help but think my only purpose for them keeping me around, is to benefit their lives. I don't see it as falsely accusing them, I see it as waking up to what they're really doing to me.

Hi there,
Fortunately nobody in my family is like that, but I have encountered a couple of people like that out in the world. You can have pity on such people for lacking a soul; but don't try to save or rescue them, or it will come crashing down on you. It's best not to have any emotional ties - distance yourself emotionally - which must be hard given it is such close family. The saying is that they can't hurt you if you don't let them - but that is easier said than done.

I've been in a similar position. It was like slowly waking up to what my mother is like. She is very controlling and has basically broken our family apart because she likes to have control and likes everything to revolve around her. I'm not sure what is wrong with her. Seems like a bit of NPD and BPD.

I keep my distance to maintain my sanity. It is difficult because I care about her, but she likes to tear me down when she feels jealous or threatened and I can't take that. I feel guilty about not visiting my Dad more often, but I just find her so difficult to cope with. I feel like when I visit other relatives I have to undo all her lies that she's told them about me and start all over again explaining how things really are, but I'm too tired I can't do it anymore, so I'm quiet cut off from my extended family. I have a huge family too.

I find it difficult to trust people in general now growing up with having to second guess my own mother.

That's my mother in a nut shell. I'm pretty sure she too has BPD, now that I think of it. I too find the stories she tells people are all lies, and people are often confused when my stories don't quite match up with hers. I don't understand how she can build such a fanciful world in her mind, and think no one would notice eventually that she was making it all up. It just makes her look ridiculous.

My mother has a new partner now, who I spent Christmas with; him and his family. They were all quite lovely people, and we clicked right away, but I feel bad, because they seem to think I don't wish to spend much time with them, and her partner thinks I don't like him; all because I avoid my mother. I have fun when I'm with them, but I too need to limit my exposure to my mother, so I appear cold to them, and I care too much about my mother being happy to tell them why I behave this way.

On a happier note though, my sister and I have been doing better. I've had several intense fights with her through the year; and I'm not sure if it's my persistent stance to hold my ground, and refusal to let her bully me anymore, or whether her relationship with her partner has softened her; perhaps both. Perhaps she's only now realising how hard she has been on me all this time, perhaps I've finally earned her respect, or it could just be all in the spirit of the Christmas holidays. Either way, we seem to be doing better, for most of the time now anyway. Baby steps. She was actually cool enough to save me from spending time with my mother, by inviting me to hang with her instead. Unfortunately all my efforts to do the same with my mother at the moment don't seem to be making much of a difference. Perhaps she's too engrained in her ways, and deluded by her own lies, to ever change.

Hi Hart,

If you holdfast to your personal boundaries, a person with the traits that your mother possesses, will be unable to cross them, and cause drama in your life If they no longer have the ability to affect you, they will just get bored and move on.

Very sorry this has been happening to you, and to hurtloam. I cannot begin to imaging how painful it must be, when it is your own mother who is the one who is hurting you, so horribly. Much love and peace to you. . . and to you, hurtloam.

Last edited by delaSHANE on 26 Dec 2013, 12:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you delaSHANE, I appreciate your support

You're welcome. I hope the new year brings you much peace and happiness!

You too

Thank you!

I'm not sure that they know they are doing it. I think they really believe what they are saying. I think my Mother thinks she has this speical ability to read between the lines and understand people better than they understand themselves. I genuinely believe that she thinks what she's saying is true. And then she gets this idea in her head and thinks about it so much and makes up all this other stuff that goes along with the original story that it is hard to explain the truth to her because she believes this little world she's made up.

I've been trying to encourage her to do some creative writing to satisfy her imagination so that it doesn't spill out too much into the real world. I haven't heard much from her lately. I think takes that encouragement as evidence that I don't believe her stories and is perturbed by it.

I'm glad you are getting on better with your sister though. I'm not sure what I would do without mine.

We suspect that my aunt has NPD, and she has made her three (adult) children miserable – to the point that the youngest killed himself a few years ago, specifically because of how she made him feel.

I don't want to be a hypocrite, and say that people with NPD and BPD are toxic – because I hate when people accuse autistics of being cold-hearted, and ruining families and marriages. I think people with any kind of disorder need compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. But you have the right to protect yourself from abusive behavior, regardless of their diagnosis.

I'm currently distancing myself from another person in my life who exhibits signs of NPD. She has an overblown sense of importance, and expects almost god-like respect and worship from everyone in her life. She believes herself to be amazingly talented in certain areas, when in fact she isn't at all. It's sad, and I'm trying to be kind to her, but at the same time I refuse to stroke her ego, or feed her narcissism.

Anyway, I wish you guys the best in dealing with your own situations... I can't even imagine having to live with someone who is manipulative like that, and I'm so grateful my parents aren't that way!

Thanks Ashariel, I appreciate your support. I'm sorry to hear about your aunts children, that is a great tradegy.