The trouble with "passing" as NT

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I found an interesting article in the (London) Guardian about "passing", in this case as as member of a different race, sexuality or religion, and it brought my thoughts back to something that has been bothering me intensely for months.
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfre ... y-religion

I've spent a lot of time and effort trying to learn to pass as allistic. I now avoid many of the gross errors (and possibly overcompensate), but a lot of the difficulties with reading many of the subtler forms of social communication used by allistics remain.

The consequent social exclusion and alienation is making a real (suicidal) mess emotionally. The extent to which I still get it wrong has led to a debilitating anxiety problem.

I'm also very much aware that the more those of us with neurological atypicalities attempt to pass, the longer it will be before we are just accepted as who we are - a situation only worsened by those who try and actually do a good job of it.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Could all of us learn to pass perfectly as NT and, if so, should we be trying, or is this counterproductive in terms of being accepted for who we really are in the long run? Is the very effort psychologically damaging?

Last edited by Niall on 03 Jan 2014, 10:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This is a question ive been asking myself recently. Im one of those people who can pass off as neurotypical and do a good job of it. I thought i could get away with doing this and have no consequences but i feel it slowly building up. My natural self wants to stretch its legs a little. I want to be completely able to ignore company or get lost in a intense task at work without having to talk to managers about it or small talk with employees. I want to tell my roommates how unintelligent they are everytine a dumbass statement or question dribbles out of their mouths. I want to tell people to f**k off just so they can get away from me.

I want to stretch that muscle a little, be more me on the outside. Problem is ive crafted myself to be so damn nice and sweet and considerate to everyone i do it without even thinking anymore and i would shock everyone halfway to hell if i ever actually did any of those things.

Lately I've built a very successful neurotypical life because i thought that was what i wanted and it came with a neat little manual on how to do so(popular culture on the tv tells me all i need to know about life). But idk, lately I'm not feeling so satisfied with what all my time and effort bought.

I can see your point. I come across as very NT at least at first, but as time goes on, people can see the ASD more and more. Nevertheless, I do seem to do OK.

It is hard to find the happy medium sometimes. I don't want to hurt feelings unnecessary, and make a feeble attempt at tact--but occasionally I just snap and the dam breaks.

I think my main problem isn't deliberate lack of tact so much as making accidental mistakes due to my inability to read social cues, which come across as, being polite here, odd, which makes allistics uncomfortable, which quickly leads to social exclusion.

That and a whole list of other things like not knowing when to end a conversation that get on the allistics' nerves.

I also don't want to be able to meet them on their terms of enjoying pubs, cheap beer substitute, organised sport, soap operas and other trivialities.

I dont snap. I don't give off the slightest flicker under my control that shows anything to the contrary of the image I've given to my acquaintances and fellow employees. This is achieved through focus, more specifically a long term passing obsession to dominate normal life. I have it now, curve learned, would like to move onto the next thing but I cant. I want to snap, i want to go to my own world when i want/need to, i want to enjoy myself. Im getting agitated and bored more often lately

I'm not sure your thoughts fit well with the article you posted, which is talking about people who have far more of a choice in whether or not they 'pass'. Like, even someone who isn't straight who passes for being straight was probably raised to act straight and therefore their default is to act straight. And if they choose to join a culture of being non-straight they have the skills necessary in order to do so, if they so choose to, if they want to.
But someone with an ASD, by definition, has a hard time passing. You can choose to try to pass, but you have neurology stacked against you.
I couldn't be someone I'm not, not for life. The reward is incredibly lacking, I'm not even sure if it's rewarding at all, but rather like stabbing myself in the eye to try and prevent visual hallucinations; ultimately a terrible idea.

I'm very normal looking. It takes a couple of minutes before my true self starts revealing itself. Still, I've learned to mask my aspieness so much I even start believing I'm normal. Then I put my foot in my mouth and say the wrong or inappropriate thing.

The latter i agree entirely with. Almost everyone here has gone through/is going through making social mistakes. Thats the shared struggle, i don't think everyone is as deliberatly antisocial as i am suddenly wanting to be due to being too social.

Anyway mistakes are mistakes. You dont really need multiple friends. Just one or two true ones. They will get you, mistakes and all. Though they will need help at first.

Im mostly responding to your idea that we should be ourselves without fear or feeling the need to conform to neurotypicals realms of functioning

I agree. It's more a case of the article having got me thinking about the issue further.



Yes. That said, the psychological consequences of someone who is, say, homosexual trying to pass for het the whole time can be quite damaging (as can the results of discrimination after coming out). I've tried both passing and being open about why I'm likely to make social mistakes. Both have been pretty disastrous, for various reasons, with some overlap. Only one may present part of a long-term solution for others who are neurologically atypical, and passing isn't it.

I agree, sort of. A big part of my problem is meeting the people who will "get me", when they are mixed in with the bigoted majority. If we are ourselves, in my experience, that majority will isolate, ostracise and discriminate. It's not all of them but it is enough to make life a total nightmare, if not unlivable.

I was only diagnosed a couple of years ago after being diagnosed and treated for several other mental afflictions. On top of that, academic success and extremely high IQ are part of my identity. In other words, I have expected and been expected by others to succeed in everything that I do and be an overachiever. My ego around that has driven me to fight and overcome all of my issues and never let myself consider myself disabled. The last couple of years have shown me just how emotionally violent my strategy has been. I don't want to adapt to the NT world to an extent that I "pass" for normal. I don't want to be in situations that require a lot of social skills that I don't have. I want to work with what I have in order to be happy. That is my new strategy. The extent to which I try to "pass" is that I try to be polite, and I try not to turn people against me with insensitive remarks or behavior. I keep social interaction to a minimum because I do not enjoy it and it exhausts me.

In summary, there are two strategies people AS people can use to adapt to having AS:

1) They can re-shape themselves to fit into an NT world
2) They can build a life that allows them to be their AS selves as much as possible

For most of my life, I have chosen strategy 1. I have had some success with that strategy but it has had some huge emotional consequences. I now choose strategy 2. My life is a lot less stressful, but I am much less successful by society's standards.

I've had to find a balance.

When I was very young, I was COMPLETELY unfiltered and knew no techniques to simulate normalcy, so consequently, very few people liked me. My teachers made fun of me, I had no deep friendships, yadda yadda. When I got into my teenage years, I completely flipped the switch and mimicked to the point where I would pick up accents, mannerisms, and figures of speech within 10 or 15 minutes of talking to someone. I came off as NT, just a quirky/weird NT. But now in my 20s, I've found a pleasant balance where I can pass enough that most people like me and think I'm funny, kind, etc., but I'm extremely quirky with a distinct personality and a bit of a selective hermit. I no longer feel the need to constantly press outward and try to have a thriving social life-- I'm comfortable presenting my real personality to people and socializing when I feel a genuine desire to.

It's led to me being very happy, even if I come off as a bit left of normal rather than 100% "passing" as NT.

Thats what im struggling with now. Im young, so far my whole life has been option 1. Im starting to realize the emotional consequences of it. My currant path its only going to take me deeper into nt adaptation. I want option 2, but it would break my life apart

That article got me thinking too when I read it. I'm mixed race, so I was thinking about how people assume that I'm western. I'm not sure if I'm white or if I'm Indian technically. I don't suppose it actually matters in the long. Geneticists say there is technically no such thing as race anyway. It's a human construct designed to categorize.

Sometimes people balk when I mention my Indian background, it's like I shouldn't say I'm not of a white background. They sweep it away with the same sort of things they say if I bring up Aspergers, sort of go, "oh there's nothing differnet about you, why say there is?" sort of thing or it's like there saying, "If you pass, why let people know you're different?"

People are scared of things that are different.

I pass as NT to people who don't know about autism. People in the know seem to work it out. Like I was telling someone about how I didn't recognize someone else out of context and explaining I didn't mean to be rude and he was like, oh I understand, it's fine. Then I found out later that he has an autistic family member, so knew what I was talking about.

In general people say that I'm "nice, but quiet." That's ok I guess.

Yes.



People with AS are never going to be thought of as "okay/mentally healthy" by NTs. They will forever see it as a pervasive developmental disorder. Nothing can change that.

Do not care about trying to be accepted as who you are, because that is not going to happen. You have to just do what is best for yourself.



Yes, in my experience it can lead to depression, emotional issues and bad confidence. You are denying your innermost self when trying to be an NT. A real crime to your true identity, but only as long as you do it to please others. If you act NT only to the benefit of yourself, this could be a good thing to some degree (for instance getting along enough with people to keep your job).