Relationships - What should I teach?

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Ok I am a Mental Health Therapist and a mother of a son on the spectrum (14) and pretty sure my father is somewhere on the spectrum.
That being said: I am presenting to a Marriage/Relationship mini seminar to other therapist. I have plenty of material but, have limited time so I want the most important points hit. So I thought I would ask you directly:

If you are on the spectrum what do you wish your significant other understood better?

If you are with someone on the spectrum what do you wish your significant other understood better?

I thank your for your feedback. I also hope you do not mind me posting here. I heard Alex speak a few years ago and was very impressed. I am a mother first and can never have enough information to help my son. He just starting getting into girls a little. He asked for her number and got it - but, then forgot to ask her name.

He shouldn't let that stop him from calling. Tell him to just brazen his way through it and tell the truth to whomever answers - "I met this really cute, interesting young lady the other day and she gave me this number and like an idiot, I forgot to ask her name. Would there be someone at this number fitting that description?"


Any time you commit some ridiculously dumb faux pas, always use it to your advantage and pretend you did it on purpose, to comedic effect. Self-deprecation always scores you nice-guy points, as long as you don't milk it too much.

Last edited by Willard on 21 Jan 2014, 6:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

On spectrum:

1. Inability to predict or interpret a significant-other's emotions doesn't indicate a lack of caring
2. Overstimulation isn't something that can be "toughed-out" once bothersome stimuli become overwhelming
3. The need to be alone to regenerate doesn't indicate a rejection toward a significant-other

Willard - love it!
Ak_born - would you be willing to do things to show caring - if your signification other asked - even if it was really comfortable for you? Or is there a middle ground - Or should your significant other just understand this going in? I am just thinking of a wife I am currently working with, having a hard time feeling supported.

I think a few things would factor into "willing". The request would have to seem logical (would let the action feel sincere and satisfying), and it couldn't be unnecessarily painful/draining (standing in a room with screeching music and lots of people). The middle ground would be tolerating things that are mildly uncomfortable or only make as much sense as "do it because the significant other values it".

I'm on the spectrum and my biggest issue in relationships has been their lack of desire to read more about autism. I have been told by both people on the spectrum and neurotypicals alike that I have very exceptional social skills, even compared to those who are NT. Unfortunately that causes people to think that my autism is not that big of a deal that effects me on a daily basis.
I am very good at masking my issues and when I do have an "episode" I go somewhere by myself so no one witnesses it.

I just wish that my past girlfriends would have taken the time to research online more about it so they could prepare themselves better for certain things down the road.
Such as, me laughing hysterically when we get into fights. They don't understand that. I laugh whenever things get too negatively intense because I can't handle it, especially if I'm being shouted at. I may even crack a joke or too.
Me needing my space and alone time. If I don't get the opportunity to relax and recharge my batteries, my social skills fall flat and I will resort back to the way I was before, (speaking monotone, little facial expressions, body gestures) etc. My ability to not speak in a monotone voice, to have many facial expressions and use body gestures sucks up so much of my energy that I can only do it for so long. After that I need to recharge or I will begin to fall apart.

Basically what I'm trying to say is a more general knowledge about Autism along with them asking me and getting to know what positively or negatively effects my symptoms. I try to tell them these things myself, but it's like they are not listening or don't care enough. I don't know.

They still seem to get offended when I don't remember their middle names, their exact birthdays, what they told me happened between their friend Jennifer and her boyfriend etc. It took me nearly 19 years just to remember my own parents birthdays! And my parents and I are as close as can be.

As far as your question with comforting, I do not know. I know that everyone is different, I am the polar opposite of a cold and aloof partner (although I will admit at times I can be aloof/oblivious), but most of time I am extremely affectionate, compassionate and caring and show that through body language and constant verbal communication by asking how they're doing/feeling. In most of my relationships, I tend to be the more affectionate one. I need my partner to be affectionate also, either just verbally or verbally and physically through hugs/cuddles whatever, otherwise I will find myself wondering if they even care about me in that way anymore.

I hope that was somewhat helpful..

I haven't been in an official-relationship yet, but a near-relationship failed recently largely in part because of me taking longer to understand my feelings than she wanted. It was my first such time in that kind of situation, so it is probably normal to be hesitant, but I feel that AS made it even worse and wish she gave me a bit more of a break with it, and didn't guilt me so much for having issues grasping my feelings. I talked with her frequently about it so it wasn't that I left her in the dark.

So while I think that 'slower time understanding the feelings of others' is often well understood about ASD, I think that it equally applies to understanding our own feelings, and being anxious to act on them preemptively before we understand what they mean. At least, that is my case.

Getting a significant other is 99% of the problem to begin with.

If you want to teach them something, show them how life is for us through a metaphor. Have them write a simple sentence in a piece of paper speaking the words out load as they write...then have them write it again using their opposite hand and speaking each word as they write it.

The tiring mental focus & discomfort felt when writing with offhand is almost identical to what it is for us to be in a social situation (flirting/small talk/etc).

The NT is 'writing' with his main hand while we're replying with our offhand. We understand the language and all but the reply 'performance' does not come out as natural/fluid as the NT's. NTs expect the other person to reply 'with the main hand' and when the reply comes back with the offhand they perceive it very differently because they focus on HOW things are said rather than WHAT is being said. We on the other hand focus almost entirely on WHAT is being said not HOW.

This last part is what is 99% of the problem for us. It is extremely difficult to build a rapport (which is entirely emotional-perception based) with someone which leads to friendship which leads to more than that.

On Spectrum
1. Overall I agree with ak_born, for me quiet time is very important or else I will get very sour very quickly.
2. I do not like parties or other social gatherings (I don't like spending very long with my own family let alone yours), please understand that I am going to these events as I thought that it is something you would enjoy so don't chastise me for disappearing if I need a break.

I am happy to do things that I am not comfortable with for those that I care about, for example: I have been to many nightclubs with my friends (one had a rotating dance floor) and I hate going every time.
My theory is that relationships are a give and take, I am willing to put up with four hours of flashing lights, drunk fools and ridiculous music because your willing to put up with me talking programing or space (or complete silence) here and there.

For me the most important thing would be for my significant other to support my need for lots of alone time. Relating it to the Mars/Venus terminology, I need a lot of man-cave time.

Also, verbal discussions of sensitive relationship issues are very difficult for me. In my longest-term relationship (13 years) we used a notebook placed on the kitchen counter to have written discussions of touchy subjects. I found that writing my thoughts and feelings in longhand was more therapeutic than typing.

I like this or something similar.
If you want to teach them something, show them how life is for us through a metaphor. Have them write a simple sentence in a piece of paper speaking the words out load as they write...then have them write it again using their opposite hand and speaking each word as they write it.

I keep trying to reply and having issues.

I just wish that my past girlfriends would have taken the time to research online more about it so they could prepare themselves better for certain things down the road.
Such as, me laughing hysterically when we get into fights. They don't understand that. I laugh whenever things get too negatively intense because I can't handle it, especially if I'm being shouted at. I may even crack a joke or too.

Where would you like them to get info?
I spend time working with couple that are typically one of each. I spend more time with the NT one just explaining and use lots of metaphors.

I love a hands on experiment to do in my speaking to show how the autistic brain thinks...

Thank you so much

Please be patient, Wrongplanet.net runs on an AS server

Man-cave?

Something to add: Often I hold back because I don't want to bother people, because I can never tell if I'm wanted or not. And I don't know how much effort is too much or too little. Hints do not work on me either way. Needy and sensitive people worry me because they usually backfire. I don't trust people very often, and when I do its usually people who are OK with me backing off every now and then. I trust them because I know they're not going to have a go at me, put me down, or play mean games with me. I can't deal with people putting me down or getting upset at me. So it means I don't develop close relationships with people.