Yep. That just happened.

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I made this profile last night. Today, I woke up feeling..ok. I'm house sitting for my mom, step-dad and my lil brother. I've been here a week.....

Day 1 - My car broke down while I was at work, during my shift some kids were leaning on my car in the parking lot, as I pulled up, one of them started kicking my car. Long story short, I got suspended from my job until April 4th.

Day 2 - I got a ride from my step-sister to the auto shop. The mechanic told me I could pay the 500-700$ to fix it, but, my door was going to fall off in about a month anyways. I bought this car about 4-5 months ago. Wasn't a good day.

Day 3 - I was kind of stuck at my step-sisters house, playing Diablo 3 on the PS3. After I got dropped off at my mom's house, I haven't heard back from my step sister since, and I have no idea why...

Day 4-6 - Spent trying to figure out how to get to where I need to go to buy another car. My roommate, who is also my boss, called and asked me about rent. I told him I was stuck with no vehicle and just needed a ride to the bank. We spoke about 2 sentences the entire time, gave him the rent money, and that was that.

....Now April 1st is the 6th day. After having a bit of a falling out with my mom and step-dad, through text's, it became obvious they "tolerate" me for the uses and services I can provide them free of charge....Call me crazy, I don't take money from my mom. After this I was in a bad way..(still am, honestly - I'm writing this less then 10 minutes after this happened).....I grabbed a knife*, (A knife I remember came to the house when my dad was still alive*) went to the sink, and lined up the vein slice. Realizing I would bleed all over the kitchen, I went up the stairs to lay in the tub and just sleep forever. Half-way up the stairs, someone knocked on the door. No one has knocked the entire week long. It was an across the street neighbor and his daughter/niece/young girl. The mulberries just came in, apparently.

Through some cosmic twist, while I was ranting and raving about my own short comings/failings and general all round "Whine, whine, whine, cry, cry, cry....27yr old BABY" something...somewhere...heard that I wasn't Joshing this time. I'd never been more prepared to do it...still am, though I can't help but feel I had to share this beforehand.

Is this just a cry for attention? for help? Is it that instinctual self preservation behavior trying to kick my butt back into shape? I know I asked "god" for someone to give me a sign not to do it....and knock knock knock..../sigh

I've intentionally sabotaged my own personal relationships with friends, because I had a gun and a bullet, and didn't want people I cared about to get sad when "it finally happens".....Even waited a few years for them to forget about me, to validate my own personal negative ideas, I know how much it hurts to lose someone you really care about, and I didn't want to hurt them that way...But then the gun was given away...and I was too much of a wussy to jump off a building, or "insert plan here?".

/Sighs.....Getting this venom out of my mind and onto some binary 1's and 0's helps. But it's a band-aid on a broken bone. It never got set right, and I honestly doubt it ever will be set right.


..../facepalm

Is it strange that I want to yell at myself to get over it? Man the F*(&^ up and BE A MAN? AM I THAT PISSED OFF AT MYSELF!? Do I even have AS or am I just "faking" it? So much frustrated rage....I'm shaking right now..

Hit the submit button, you %ussy.

Wow. I don't know how to respond yet, but I figured I'd get something started.
How are you now?

I can't pretend to understand everything in your story. Maybe if you keep talking I'll get some of it.
Did the mulberry family stay long and chat? Did you manage to fake normal while they were there?

Chance, fate, God, karma, what have you...take it and run with it. Find a way to vent safely outward instead of turning all that frustration back on yourself.
Sometimes it takes more strength to take care of yourself and keep perspective when the sh#t piles on. When I remember to, I think on the Serenity Prayer. A lot.

Best wishes.

Honestly, they knocked on the door. I told them 1 minute, and put the knife back in the kitchen. The little girl knows the dog and the 2 of them played and visited for a minute. Made random small talk for a couple minutes...When they left I...was shaking. Came on this site...tried to write a blog, but I haven't been here for but a day...So copy and pasted it in here.

I'm watching movies to try and not think about it atm.

^^^ sounds like a good plan. Something light to let the waters calm a bit. The worst thing to do right now is dwell.

Of course, don't do it. Hopefully this is your worst day, so the rest can be better. Life is not easy for any of us, and it only comes a day at a time. Tomarrow will be a brand new crappy day. Hope for as best as it can get. You have nothing to loose by living through it, because you are alive. Your life is the only real loss. Be like water. Move around your obsticles. You have too much on your plate. Venting is good. I know it is difficult, but you need to think positive. I have been there, trust me.

Sh!t piles up, no doubt. I forgot I didn't mention I had court on the 31st, found guilty of running a red light. Have 2 more tickets that are due on the 7th, and, my birthday the 14th, respectively.

Delivery Driver is the best job I've found, keeps me isolated and listening to my music most of the time...About to lose my licence/job/ and in a month, place to live. The only parent or close family I have left, cares more about making sure I don't misbehave in front of my little brother. I was raised to value the family over myself...and now, that's gone.

"Just stuck, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own.."

Maybe this should get moved to the adult section....In my ignorance I didn't realize that this topic could be read by non adults.

Family can be relied on for disappointment in too many cases. Maybe try making a battle plan for what's ahead, even if it's just looking up local shelters as a just in case? Focus on the basic necessities, and work backward if that makes it feel more manageable.

I've been there, and just going into survival mode like that got me through a lot. I've ended up hospitalized too which is always an option, if not always ideal.

Atm the loose plan is to get a car, hope I can work another 2 weeks before the points on my licence goes to corporate, then if need be, live out of my car. Again.

Yep. Think ahead. Try to stay legal. Very important. I went to jail for traffic violations. Nothing like hanging around a bunch of convicts because I drove a car. Actually, the day I was locked up, I was happy to get a meal. Smased a truck doing deliveries too. That ended that career. Guess I wasn't good at multitasking. Just try to keep moving forward. You could try to put an ad on craigslist for someone to fix your car on a trade or a deal of somekind, if it is worth it. I do that for peeps. I have been an auto tech for 20 years, and know some of those "mechanics" will screw your life for money. What is up with the car?? You getting suspended because some kids were kicking your car sounds a little strange too.

I got suspended for my actions taken when I saw the kids kicking my car. The mechanic that told me about the door is a co-worker who I "currently" work with. Less then a month before my car broke down - (Radiator hose busted, didn't destroy the engine....possible loose alternator..something* as well, but the door hinge had been shored up with plastic or some epoxy and spray painted over. Driver side door wasn't closing anymore, and it was only a matter of time before it fell off) - I took my car in to fix the transmission. 660$ for a fix on a car I drove less then a month afterwards.

My "folks" got home about an hour ago. To put it mildly, it was a cool welcome back.

I simply have zero, and I mean ZERO, desire to bother with the world full of these people anymore. The things that make me happy and excited involve violence, death, and other, much MUCH darker desires. This is not a healthy state of mind I'm in. I know it, I see it, but I can't stop it.

I feel like that nickname back in 7th grade is catching back up with me...PsychoBoy. Strange thing, I wore that nickname proudly. Before 7th grade I was bullied, mocked, belittled and ignored. After 7th grade, and seeing that releasing my anger actually changed THEY'RE behavior, school was actually bearable.

I think I'd rather be feared then loved. What movie was that...A Bronx Story? Good-fellas? Casino?.....Bronx tale...driving backwards...Damn photographic memory.

The weather shouldn't be too bad in your area.
Maybe Occupy Florida will come out of hibernation and you can join a tent city.

A radiator hose, and a junk yard alternator is not that much $$$$. Depending on the difficulty of putting it in. If in fact that's what it is??? The door will stay in place if you never use it. Loose alternator??? Sounds to me like you dont know a damn thing about cars, unless it has a viscous pulley. That is fairly normal. That mechanic might be story time. If you can get by on it for now, or even get it drivable so you can trade it in, I would put a hose on it, and run it. Some of your stress is probably from that car. Sounds like a bucket of s***. If you have the ability to get a car, and need it as a courier, you need something reliable. Stay away from german, european cars. Get a honda, corolla, or scion (those have toyota power trains). You could pritty much live, and work out of an odyssey. Good expensive van. The old 4 cylinder odyssey was the best one they ever made. You might find a deal on one of those if it is still nice. Hondas need good timing belts. Other than that, they are wonderful cars. Caravans are o.k. if it has a 3.8 v-6. The 3.3's have issues. Any 3.8 v-6 gm is a good car too. Just so long as the intake manifold doesn't leak. That is all the helpful advice on cars I can give you, try to have a better day. All that gloom and doom is not you. People made you that way, because they are a**holes. It can take a very long time, but you need to expel it without hurting yourself or others. Think positive. Be water.

Thank you guys, really REALLY helped. This site is a godsend.