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Not a day goes by thai I dont have the thought that if only someone would put a bullet in my ear it would be the greatest day of my life. Even on days that I stumble upon some event which gives me reason to be briefly happy. I still think I would prefer the bullet but I don't have the strength to do it myself.

I was going to try to cheer you up, but to be honest I often feel the same way myself. Each day I wake up it tends to be with a feeling of "crap, another day " rather than "Oh joy, another day ". Might I suggest reading some Zen or spending some time meditating in peaceful surroundings, that tends to help me and I know you are also Zen Buddhist. We know that life can be full of pain and misery, especially as we get older and our health starts to fail and we sense ourselves left on the scrapheap of society, too old to work and too world weary to have the aspirations and hopes of our youth. It is like we are just waiting to die. There must be a better way to live than just waiting for death. I saw your post in PPR expressing the waiting to die sentiment too. I think we need to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning, something to strive for, if only a deeper comprehension of our own existence and what it means to be alive.

I'm not going to say I think similar every day; I'm not certain I do. I wouldn't be surprised if I did at this point though?

I responded to your question about what people on SSDI do all day... I don't know if this is tangentially connected in that perhaps you don't have a lot that you do everyday and that is a struggle to deal with. I find I am struggling with that and with some health issues.

Probably not every single day, but many days- yes the thought occurs that "hopefully the ceiling will randomly collapse in on me today". I try to not give it much weight. I used to be terrified that would happen though- I have pretty bad OCD and when you go from being afraid of something like that to idle thinking you might welcome it? Probably a sign that stuff isn't going great.

But I am not thinking that 24/7. One of the ways I've dealt is to shorten how far I think ahead. Not in planning but in expectation. I used to think about all this stuff I wanted to do today, this week, this month. It was so hard on me.

So today it's like "ok, I'm awake. so that happened?" then make the next plan. consider each thing a success. eventually along the way it's helpful.

Also, when I feel pretty awful I try to focus on other people. Which can seem [and sometimes literally be] impossible when I feel just completely rotten at the bottom. Not in the whole "go down to the soup kitchen" way.

But maybe if I'm talking to some one and they are frustrating me, I give them a compliment they might need- because it seems like they are having a rough day? It sounds like a really small thing, and it is. But if it actually seems to make a difference, I feel slightly useful.

I try to find ways to be useful. Even very small ways.
Sometimes the only thing I can do in a day is change someone else's day- but I can actually do that without having to leave my bed if necessary. I could just like, offer to read someone's poem they wrote or something.

It's not everyone's thing though.
Sorry if this was less than helpful. I mean... in the end it's just that I can understand the feeling, really. Even if none of my little things work for anyone else.

Sometimes I REALLY am just slamming one foot down so I can put the next foot down and so on until I figure out an actual reason beyond that for doing do.

I relate. I too wake up every day thinking "oh no...." like Tallyman, rather than "whoopee, a new day."

I have animals in my life that are now the only thing that really make me feel like it's worth sticking around another day, and another day, and another. LIfe still doesn't outright "feel worth living" or anything. But my bond with those animals (I adore them) keeps me going at least from one day to the next.

It's hard though. It's a very tenuous link to seeing the point on carrying on. I still think a lot about how it might all be better just to not exist anymore. I am constantly living with depression. It's a functional depression -- I still operate my life.....but I do it with little joy. My birds are the only real joy I get. I hang on so that I can continue to enjoy them. They don't even really need me but I need them. It's not much to hang on for but it's the best I can do.

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thanks yous

I wake up with a sigh every day and the first thing I say is "I wish I was dead."

You know, that's a wish which will come true one day. I don't feel too sad about that.

I don't have the willpower to pull it off myself, either.

Oh well.

I've felt similarly before. The only advice I can really give is to stick it for a few months, and it will get better (when you're at rock bottom, the only way to go is up or out). Life can be good again, if you give it time. Sorry if that sounds overly optimistic, but it is how I have experienced it.

i feel sort of that way too, though its more i dont care whether i live or die but more often than not i lean more towards dying being preferablle. pretty much live recklesly now because of it, dont care about riding my bike out in front of traffic, dont care about what sort of drugs i do, dont care who i piss off, because dont care if kills me or not anymore. sort of liberating.

Whenever I am lucky enough to fall into the state of being known as sleep ( which is not always a given) I never think about waking up. I never anticipate waking up from sleep. There is so little in life that I find enjoyable anymore that I rarely experience anything worth looking forward to

Can't say I haven't felt that way, can't even say I haven't felt that way recently....then of course the stupid PTSD i have has to do with someone I know getting shot so of course what is one reoccurring thought/fear when I get triggered, that...don't get it, then again no one said people who feel suicidal are thinking the methods to do it are pleasant or non-threatening. Then of course I will wake up thinking 'uhh can't someone put me out of my misery'. Then of course I feel bad about waking up feeling so crappy when I want to try and spend some time with people...like my brother, dad, sister and other people so I feel bad for waking up thinking like that but can't seem to help it, I don't really mention it to people because what is someone going to say to that? all that will happen is they will feel bad and not only is your day off to a gloomy start but so is theirs...

But of course I don't know if I'd be incapable of doing it myself, but I don't have a gun so I haven't had a chance to actively consider that method, probably can't buy one either with the mental health psych hospitalizations on record or whatever.

Me too. I wish I could say something to change that for you, but it doesn't seem like I know the answer.

Look at it this way, you've made it without the bullet for 58 years. I admire you.

If you need some extra motivation, how about a pet? My dog is the one being in the world who I know loves me unconditionally, and for a few years she was my motivation to get out of bed every day.

I'm glad I don't have a gun otherwise I'd be dead already. Like you, sometimes I ask myself, "why bother?" I don't even have an answer for that so I just keep living one day to the next. What has helped me a lot are the medications I'm on, Prozac and Wellbutrin. They allow me to do things like go to the library, go for walks around the local university field, etc. I've also stopped drinking so that helps immensely. I'm actually losing weight and might probably get down to my high school weight in about 2 or 3 months. Just hang in there. There really do seem to be bad days mixed in with the good.