Twisted takes on well-know platitudes

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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish...well, he'll probably get addicted to fish and die of mercury poisoning. Better to teach him organic gardening, instead.

You can lead a horse to water....then it'll fall in and drown.

Don't sweat the small stuff. But if you do, stay well hydrated.

If you're all bark and no bite, you'll have to eat soup.

You can't kid an old kidder.

Yes you can and the older they get, the easier it becomes.

Boys will be kumquats.

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Don't put all of your eggs in one test tube.

Momma always said that life is like a box of chocolates - each one has an expiry date.

... To boldly go where no man has gone without a note from his doctor.

Do unto others.

To pee or not to pee, now THAT is the question!

If the shoe fits, buy them both.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three left turns do.

You never realize what you have till its gone ... toilet paper is a good example.

A bird in the hand, will poop in your hand.

Don't count your chickens until you get the fox out of the hen-house.

Good things come to those who wait – unless you're on death row.

The Devil is in the detail.

Well tell him to get in here, his dinner's on the table.

Kill two birds, with one stone----and PETA will come after ya.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results...so all band directors are insane.
Time heals all wounds, so you had better treat that staph infection before it's too late!
Forgive and forget this, you don't deserve my mercy!
Money can't buy happiness—unless you're talking about salt and vinegar chips. Then money can definitely buy happiness.
There are plenty of fish in the sea who would never date me either.
There's no 'I' in 'team'. And by that I mean, you guys do all the work and give me credit when you turn it in. Yeah, go team!

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but not for much longer.....

Never look a gift horse in the mouth----or, walk behind it, either.