how to NOT compulsively pretend to be normal?

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Hi,

I have a huge problem. I grew up in very harsh circumstances, with war and physical and emotional punishment both at school and to a lesser degree at home. As a result I did my best to act in a way that would keep me out of trouble, and now I have internalized those strategies and can't get rid of them!
namely preparing vigorously for ANY possible social situation ALL the time, mainly by talking and working on mimic and such in my spare time.
The other thing I do is when I'm in a social situation, my brain goes on 3000% overclock and tries to get it right, and I DO get it right. sort of. but only for 5 minutes and then I'd probably have to take a one hour nap to recharge again.
I DO NOT want to do these, but I can't turn them off. I'm frying my brain by always either simulating NT's in my lonely time or literally killing my brain by overclocking it beyond it's capacity when in actual social situations. But on the other hand, I don't want people to know that I'm weird. It's quite a dilemma.
Another HUGEEEEE problem with this is that its interfering with my diagnosis. I go to docs and I pretend to be normal and they won't give me an AS diagnosis (logically) and will say I'm mostly healthy but when go into clinics, the whole rowdiness and me trying to be nice and friends with other patients drives me into an overload and when the brain shuts down my thinking won't work 100% properly again and they'll say it's schizophrenia

I need to turn it off. HALP!

I'm far from an expert but do you think maybe you have developed some sort of OCD that's making you do that? I'm not saying that it's OCD instead of AS, but maybe in addition to it? Have you thought about trying a new therapist and telling them that you want to work on this particular behavior because you want to stop internally monitoring yourself so much and can relax? You can mention that you think you might have AS and the reasons you think you do, but I wouldn't make that the main focus of the therapy right then. Try just focusing on learning how to stop the internal monitoring and hypervigilance for now and see where that takes you. Once you get control of that, then maybe bring up the AS and say you want to focus more on that and finding out whether you have it or not.

Good luck!

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Thank you for posting this! Man do I understand pretending to be NT as well as the overclocking that is then needed to follow people's communication including social side-communication. I'm 58, autistic, and grew up with abuse and threats against me if I acted 'weird' or made any trouble. I got pulled out of a program for kids with developmental disorders when I was 4 and then was mainstreamed into kindergarten after spending a year locked in a bathroom with lots of threats... Developed cPTSD from it all. So I've internalized the pressures of it all and I'll automatically, almost uncontrollably pretend to be 'normal' - neurotypical. It's my biggest problem at this point in life. I love to touch and smell and feel and dance around and stare at detail because they can make me happy, but I don't do those because people treat you poorly if you do that as a child and would treat you even worse doing those as an adult - I'm a long-time professional and a manager, lol. Keeping up appearances is a prison - a death sentence for the me inside. I stutter, especially when processing feelings, and I repress those feelings to stay normal and keep from stuttering in front of people. I'm really intelligent and I speak quickly, but I slow those down so people don't get mad - I got bullied in school over that, so I learned. The reality is, I don't like spoken language - really hate it, get overwhelmed by a lot of casual interpersonal or social contact, don't think even remotely like NTs and can't believe they really believe the ridiculous stuff that comes our of their mouths. I wait for the teasing, insulting, and bullying to start when I'm in any kind of social group, but I smile and engage others with real interest. The interest and enjoyment of people is real, but hiding the fear that I'm different and will be singled out and they will turn on me - I can't stop hiding those feelings, that deep fear. Hiding feelings about being different from the rest of humanity and fear of being found out. And I'm left with being a half-person, acting like I have normal reactions, normal emotions, want what others want, like what others like. And that leads me to doing things I don't want or like, that don't feed my spirit and that tire me to death. I was invited to an awards dinner for 15 years of service at my current company. It was on a steep hill. I know I would be burned out and barely able to act social after sitting through a dinner where I would be expected to participate in a manner that would fry me. And I have sensory problems and am scared to death of heights. So I said I had a sick pet and couldn't go. If I didn't have to pretend to be normal, I could have confessed my fears and gotten a ride so I wouldn't have to drive a steep hill, and possibly been able to interact in a more low-key manner during the dinner. No speeches, lol. The fear of a director asking me something over dinner and me starting to stutter and going blank is a real concern for me. How can any of us be true to our inner natures in a society of neurotypicals who are not like us and who will often look down on us or criticize or outright persecute us when we engage in behaviors that are natural to us? Harmless stuff like rocking or staring or flapping or stuttering or being quiet or being impatient, etc., etc.? This is the only forum I know of for asking a question like that where possibly people will understand.

Oh yeah complex PTSD. rather competent (rare in my case) psychologist told me I have it too.
EyeDash I totally agree. That's exactly what I'm talking about. I sugest to make EyeDshes post sticky somehow as I believe many have may have similar problems.
As for OCD, I don't believe it's OCD. before I realize this could be done I literally failed at social interaction (obnoxious or clown, or an obnoxious clown, basically). And I can turn it off by will, but I suddenly become a pain in the ... of my family if i do.

I am like this too. I think when you have PTSD, it makes you constantly anticipate things, not just bad things but whatever is going to happen next. The autistic part of your mind just wants to figure out the patterns and predict possible outcomes, which can actually be entertaining if there's no underlying anxiety. But fear, worry, anxiety send it into overdrive. You use up all your mental energy too quickly and then crash. I think the key is to somehow calm the underlying anxiety. Sometimes I don't even notice that I feel anxious in an emotional sense. I only realize it because I notice that I am physically tense. If you are tense that makes you get tired faster too.

It's a vicious cycle because you think if you stay vigilant to everything, you will be able to relax at some point, but you never really reach that point. And you might push yourself to the point of exhaustion because that's the only way you can relax. I have to do things to actually calm and relax my body, rather than calming my mind/emotions, and that kind of breaks the cycle. And sometimes I have to give my brain something else to do to keep it occupied.

I'm slowly breaking the habit of feeling compelled to act normal all the time. What has really helped me is to realize that I do not bear all the responsibility for being normal. Other people are not normal either. When you grow up in any kind of harsh circumstances, what you experience as "normal" in the middle of that might be kind of f****d up to begin with. And if you get punished a lot, and people respond negatively to you just being yourself, it's very easy to start thinking you are responsible for everything that happens to you. Partly because if you blame yourself for what happens, it can make you feel like you have more control over things. Whereas you can't control other people's sh***y, unpredictable behavior.

I learned to turn the hypervigilance on myself because that was the only thing I could change. I don't know if you can relate to this, but it has dawned on me that I don't just pretend to be normal. I actually try to "out-normal" other people, to counterbalance things just in case they do something really f****d up. Kind of like the concept of killing with kindness. You know how some people can just be incredibly nice when a person is being really rude to them, and it defuses the situation. They are not showing how they really feel but instead they are just trying to keep things from getting worse.

I've realized sometimes when I may not even be aware of how I feel because I am trying so hard to just keep things going smoothly. I may not even like the person but I am trying so hard to be normal and polite just so they don't get antagonized by some little thing I do. I have to stop in the moment and ask myself how do I really feel. What is my real opinion of this situation and this person.

The only thing that will break this habit of pretending is to connect with the REAL you and do it as much and as often as you can. If you have trouble doing that in the middle of an interaction with a person, excuse yourself to get away for a few minutes or however long you need. You come back when you feel stronger and try again...IF you want to try again with this person. Maybe when you check in with yourself, you realize you don't really want to be around them that much anymore.

there.

Thanks, everyone here who posted their experiences. This is a very valuable thread, and I agree it would be nice to see it as a sticky post.

Any advice on how to be yourself, when you aren't sure what "yourself" is anymore? I tried doing this recently in sessions with my therapist, but I was never sure if I was "pretending" the aspie traits or if they were genuine.

Take eye contact, for example. I learned to make proper eye contact after I was told to in different contexts growing up. I would stare; I would not look at people -- you know, the usual aspie thing. But now I'm in my 30s, and am trying to be "myself" I don't look people in the eyes because I don't want to. But...I feel a pressure to look. And sometimes I really do want to look (when they say things that resonate with me). Which is the real me? (Outside of therapy, I usually split the difference and unfocus my eyes when I look at people. Hope they can't tell.)

And now, as an adult, how can I experiment about myself without seeming unprofessional/immature or aloof/judgmental? Because I tend to be goofy when I'm happy and solemn at most other times. Neither is acceptable for an American adult: we are supposed to be like camp counselors, casual, friendly and just slightly emotionally distant. I'm too honest and too logical (and too anxious!) to pass completely. But letting myself BE myself would take me far in the other direction.

I just hate to think that I am not being myself, and that other people will find a way to be themselves and be praised for it, and I'll just be bitter that I couldn't figure it out. A weird thing to think, but there it is. I only get one life.

I will be reading this whole thread (except my own posts, obviously) every day until I manage to actually implement the idea into my life and mind, Amen.

I LOVE this thread! I was diagnosed last July, and I'm working on figuring out how to turn off the "act" and really be myself. It's weird to think that it's actually hard to be yourself, or even to not be sure what the "real you" looks like.

I'm really lucky to have a few good, close friends who, for the most part, "get it". I'm working on easing up on the NT disguise, and the more I do, the better I feel about myself. I'm starting to tell people that I need to do things differently to make my day less stressful (like texting vs talking on the phone, having my earbuds in while at work to cut down on noise\ distractions, needing alone\ quiet time). When I was a kid, I was bullied a lot because of my odd interactions and interests (and lack of interest in popular subjects among my peers). Because of all of the bullying, I became more reserved and started hiding who I really was from everyone. Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm struggling to turn that camouflage off.

I think it's the worrying that need quieting. I think many of us put a lot of energy into appearing normal, which isn't wrong in itself. I try to see it as just learning social skills, not particularly to hide anything, the main goal is to eventually become more comfortable in the presence of others. That will have been achieved when I no longer fear the other person is about to think me strange and dislike me for it.

My main anxiety-managing strategy is to avoid much contact with relative strangers and with people known to be judgemental or elitist. When I had a job, that was impossible, and the risk wasn't just social rejection, I was also rather scared of losing my income. As a result, I was anxious a lot. These days I can be much more picky, most of the time, and I confine myself to my partner, my son, and a very few non-judgemental musician friends.

So I'd recommend trying to reduce the number of scary social encounters down to a more manageable level, to get the anxiety down, and then just try the occasional excursion, taking reasonable social risks and applying gentle pressure on yourself to advance your command over social matters. Definitely seek out non-judgemental people. I'm a long way from fixing my own anxiety problem, but for what it's worth, I think it's useful to try to stop the mind dwelling too much on its fears, to distract it onto sunnier matters. Also I try to adopt a slow style of thinking and (to some extent) working, even breathing, because I keep catching myself rushing my thoughts and actions, which itself makes for a panicky atmosphere. It's difficult because I hate wasting time and I feel it's logical to work as quickly as I reasonably can, but the difference is like the difference between making a lot of sudden jerky movements and calmly going on a fast cycle ride.

look look I digged something! Someone came up with this Idea before on this forum. but in the complete opposite direction! http://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=176502&start=15

I can't really suppress myself from stammering or stuttering, but sometimes if I know I'm likely to do it I just won't say anything at all. I have to think through what I'm going to say really carefully before I start talking or else I get all my words mixed up.

I look at someone like Ozzy Osbourne, the way he stutters freely, and in general just reminds me a lot of myself, tremors and staring and overall spaciness, and I envy that because he can just be like that out in the open, in public. But then I know that people just assume he is the way he is totally because of drug use, and they don't realize that he has Parkin syndrome, and dyslexia and ADHD and I forget what else. And I think that's part of what I fear is that people will make the wrong assumptions about me and probably make some kind of moral judgment about it. I think some of my teachers believed I was using drugs, when in reality I was just like that naturally.

I think a (possibly big) part of the problem is that I'm too proud to admint that I don't get s**t in social situations and I try way too hard to manage to get it and damage myself by overclocking my brain to get it.
As a result I either 1. Acutually get it or 2. start confabulating s**t and docs think I'm schizophrenic. Example: I don't know whether those girls in the bus are laughing at me or not, because I have AS, but because I'm too proud to admit that I'm f-ing unable to know, I just make up the fact in my mind that they are laughing about me to think that I have social skills. Basically, to me making up possibly wrong (or rather random) social interpretations is more compelling than admitting that my ability to detect social information is disabled or actually non existent.

The weird thing is schizophrenia is totally the opposite of autism









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