Long distance problems

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Sorry if this is in the wrong section, but I feel like this might be a better place to put it because I'm feeling upset.

There is someone who I met online last summer and both of us are on the spectrum and neither one of us have much dating experience. For the past 6 months we have texted each other every day and also Skyped . I really felt like we had a good connection and felt like we were getting really close, but we live thousands of miles away from each other. I didn't really mind that we lived so far apart and I didn't think that he did either because he was even planning on taking a plane to visit me this summer.

Then a couple of weeks ago he told me that he doesn't want a long distance relationship and later that night he told me that he didn't want to lose me and that he wanted it to work. Then he explained that the reason he was telling me he didn't want a relationship was because he was nervous about telling his parents about me, but he still wanted it to work and said that he didn't want to mess it up or lose me. Then last night he said that he didn't want a relationship. I asked him it was his parents or something else and he said that it was just his parents again. Then I tried giving him some advice on what to say to them because I thought that he really did want it to work between us because before he just said those things because the pressure of talking to them was just getting to him. After that he started flirting with me so I thought that meant that he still wanted it to work, but tonight he is telling me again that he doesn't want a long distance relationship.

All of this is really stressing me out and confusing me because we seemed very stable for several months and one time he even told me that he was committed to me. I don't feel safe with very many people, but I really felt like I could trust him. He seemed like a very stable person and it seemed like we were getting closer and closer. I just feel very confused about all of it, but maybe I was expecting too much.

Does he mean he's embarrassed of the shame he feels for having a girlfriend far away or just telling his parents in general, as if it will be consequential somehow? Either way, if he really cares about you, that shouldn't matter to him. I'd think if he cares about you and wants it to work like he says he'd go lengths to make it happen (aka, taking a plane to see you)..however, he cannot do the most basic thing in claiming you as his girlfriend to his family. I think a lot of it is out of your control, it's up to him to decide if you're worth the "consequences" to his peers.

It's not fair to you to be strung along by someone who isn't sure of what they want. If he's waffling about weather the long distance relationship will work, if he can't tell people about you, to me, it screams ulterior motive. A lot of people with limited dating experience jump into these sorts of things just to stop being lonely.. and now I don't know him or his character short of a few paragraphs describing him, but that's just how I'd feel. You deserve to be taken seriously, and if he can't do that it's up to you to ask him the difficult questions.

Sorry to break it to you but if he really wanted to make it work, then he would have told his parents and not tell you contradictory things.

We were never in a relationship other than friends, but we were thinking about being more than that. I was a little confused too about how I felt about him before.

I remember he told me that he talked to one of his friends about me a while back. He also told me that he was nervous about talking to his parents because he was worried about telling them about going somewhere with someone they never met. He lives with his parents.

After he told me about it I didn't respond for a while and then he said that he wanted to stay good friends and a few minutes later he said that he hoped he didn't scare me off.

Sometimes I thought the only reason he wanted to be with me was because he didn't have any other options. I even asked a few times why he was interested in me. He gave some reasons for why he liked me and not all the reasons were superficial. It seemed like we may have had a connection too. That's what gets me. Maybe he was just saying it though.

Last edited by slw1990 on 23 Feb 2015, 1:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

It doesn't mean you two couldn't work out. It doesn't mean there aren't feelings or a legit connection. It's very possible that all those things he said are true and you two could end up together. There have been stories around the autism community of people eventually moving together and staying together (see nick007, he talks often about his experience) The problem is long distance relationships require a LOT of effort from two people committed to each other and making it work. But when you explain why he doesn't want to tell his parents it makes more sense now.. it's not as if the older generation would understand, parents would always be quick to go defensive in this situation. I think you two could come to a resolution. It's not as if you need the ideal mushy relationship or even post a label on it, 6 months of consistent talking is a lot of time to get real close to someone. You two could just keep up what you have going and if the time is right, you could meet, and heck you could end up falling in love with him. It never hurts to find out. Just don't sell yourself short, if you feel your only benefit to him is to curb loneliness don't consider him more than a friend. Honesty and being open with each other matter most though, so it's something you two should talk out and decide what works best.

I think he's decided to just be friends. I just don't know if I can trust him right now. It would be fine if he told me directly a long time ago that he wasn't interested in a LDR, but I feel like I was misled by him. I feel uneasy about this since he wasn't up front about it in the first place.

He did apologize about it though and explained that he just didn't know how to express it at the time. He also seemed worried that it might impact our friendship. I was still confused about some things though and wanted to figure more things out about it so I could have more clarity. He seemed to think I was overreacting, but I think he may have misinterpreted some of what I was saying to him. We agreed to not to talk for the next few days so that we can get past it and resume our friendship.

That's good that you two were able to sort it out. I've found that the people who are lonely and inexperienced usually don't know what they want, and as a result usually lead people on unintentionally. I'm assuming that describes him. It's good you two figured it out before someone got really hurt by the whole deal though. If you do decide to be friends, watch out for flirting or anything like that, it's really unfair for you to be led on by someone who can't handle a relationship like that.

So I told him that I decided to give him another chance and to stay friends with him. He hasn't replied back yet though and this is a little unusual for him because he usually responds right away. I don't think there has ever been a time where I text him and he wouldn't respond. I've been feeling pretty anxious about it. I've been trying to distract myself, but it's not working very well. I also feel kind of ridiculous that I'm so worried about it since I wasn't even sure if even I wanted to still be friends with him. I guess after sending each other several texts a day and being there for each other for about 6 months has caused me to become very attached to him.

I don't know if it's fair to either of you to try to resume the friendship if it can't continue normally. Trust has broken, communication has very much been broken. You also seem to want his validation, too. I mean, sure it's worth trying to overcome all those issues because of how he's proven at some point to be a great friend, but can it be done, and how? Can you two get past that? Can you two just text back and forth like normal, no feelings, no awkwardness again?

Also what scares me most is the power complex, he doesn't have to reply to you, he can choose if you're friends, at one point he could choose if he wanted to be more than friends. That kind of behavior can lead to someone being taken advantage of. It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship (of any sort) to have with someone.

I think what caused me to worry about him responding is because when things don't add up or seem inconsistent that use to be, it causes me to get stressed out. It's something I need to work on I guess.

I think we might be able to get past it because I thought about it and he said before that some of the things he told me might not have come out right so maybe I misinterpreted some of what he was saying to me. He did reply back and so far it seems fine. We haven't brought it up anymore and he doesn't seem mad or anything. I still think I have some feelings for him though.

I'm also being careful and looking out for any changes in the communication we've been having so far. I meant to add that to the other post, but it was too late to edit.

I talked to him more he never seemed to initiate to me anymore so I mentioned it to him and also said that it seemed like he was uncomfortable talking to me. Then the next day he told me that he felt it was best that we went our separate ways because it felt awkward talking to me after ending our relationship. He was pretty nice and sincere about it though and I guess it's better that he told the truth instead of misleading me. I felt a confused about that though because I didn't think we were even in a relationship. I'm shock and sad about all of it too because he would say things like he would always be there for me, but I guess I'm getting too fixated on it.

Thanks for the replies and advice.

You'll find that it's probably for the best anyway.. some friendships aren't worth maintaining if they can't continue like they were without being painfully awkward. Always sucks losing a close friend, though.

EDITED

I really feel like I have to vent about this.

I was starting to feel better about what happened, but after thinking about some of the things he said before it really seems out of character that he did all of this. He would say things to me like he would always be there for me and that our friendship was going to last forever. I also remember he would often talk about getting used as a back up by other people and how they would throw him away like garbage. He also seemed very sympathetic to others who had that same experience and would talk about how wrong it was. It just seems hypocritical of him that he did all of this. I mean, it wouldn't really bother me that much if he never talked about how wrong those experiences were or if he wasn't normally compassionate and reliable because I wouldn't really expect much from him or even get close to him. I don't even expect very many people to be that way, but I feel like he proved that he was and that's what gets me. I think some constructive criticism or a more detailed explanation from him would have helped.

I think a lot of what you said is why I avoid relationships like the plague. When people break up (granted, you two weren't actually together but I guess it's about close enough to doing so) it's pretty normal for that to happen. I haven't really known anyone to truly be able to stay "just friends" I know almost next to no one who's been able to legitimately stay close, platonic friends after a break up. No one will ever explicitly say why they don't wish to continue to be in a relationship or friends, the social norm is to just ignore the hell out of them until they go away. Apparently, it's socially acceptable too. It's perfectly okay to ignore someone, put no effort into being there for them or being their friend. And it's the other person's fault for "not getting the hint" or "not getting over it" and it's ridiculous. There's never a human approach to these sorts of things, and looking back it makes you really confused how someone can say things like "I want to be there for you forever" or how you can genuinely think you'll know them your entire life and everything can change. It's unfair, but when people decide to break up or go separate ways, there's NEVER total honesty.

I don't know how much of a hypocrite or even a bad person he is, I don't know him or his character. I do know that he was very lonely and confused, he didn't know what he wanted from a relationship or how to handle one. He just knew he wanted one and he didn't want to be lonely anymore, and it sounds like you came along and fixed that for him. Inexperienced people have a tendency to lead people on and hurt them in the worst ways even if they didn't mean to. They rush into relationships and say all these things to make someone happy and themselves despite not knowing the consequences of their actions, they just know that no one has ever talked to them in such a way before and it fills a void in their life.