i do not "attack" people

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I don't really know anymore, but apparently I'm some horrible person who brought everything bad that happens on myself.

My mom never even seems to attempt to comprehend what I explain from my perspective. When I try to, do you want to know what I get in response by the end of the discussion or at some point in it? Try, "rot in the living room" as she storms out, and, "this is why nobody likes you / this is why you have no friends," she yells and, "you better calm down and take your medicine!"

Although there are plenty of occasions of which my mom has graciously decided to insult me with rude and/or false statements, today was when I was explaining to her why I can't go to school when I feel very sick.

I don't want to just miss school. Yes, I dislike it, and yes, I currently have Internet and a bed at home, but I've been in the situation too many times before in which I've gotten behind in class from being absent for me to willingly just do it again. I don't know why she doesn't believe me when I'm sick sometimes, especially because on Monday when I didn't even have Internet or ANYTHING to do at home, I didn't go to school.

I went on to explaining how when I'm sick I'm even more skittish than usual. I don't want to flail my arms and legs and hit people, but it happens anyway sometimes. It happens when I get anxious or when something happens unexpectedly. I've heard people even say that one thing they remember about me from elementary school was me freaking out and flailing my arms. I don't "attack" anyone. I kicked my old best friend in the chin before. It has nothing to do with who you are. It's not voluntary.

My mom only continued to yell at me and say that hitting and kicking someone isn't involuntary. I said, "but when I surprise you and you jump up, THAT'S involuntary?" She said, "that's different," but it's not.

Anyway, when I'm feeling sick, more depressed, uneasy in an environment, or any un-calm thing like that, I have noticed that those are the times at which this happens more. I would think that because I'm aware of what general situations usually trigger this, I would be able to prevent it, but I can't, just like a person can't prevent a jump when they're scared, even if they anticipate it- it can still make you jump.

Anyway, I'd prefer to not go to school, because if I'm sick, it'll be even harder to pay attention, and it will be painful and miserable having to do things at school, and I'm more likely to hit someone.

Do I ever want to hit people? Yes, but not the times when I actually have hit people. If I was gonna hit someone on purpose, I wouldn't just kick them or flail my arm at them; I'd throw a text book at their head. It's simple. I usually have okay self control over things that are actually my decision. What I do when I freak out is not my decision.

You're definitely plenty smart to test through your GED within a year or so. I wouldn't be surprised if you aced the tests next week. Those can move one along to bigger & better things with relative ease, even if it does involve lots of twiddling thumbs and impulse studying in the meantime, it was worthwhile for me.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

What? Why are you saying this?

The aversion to school you described applies to quite a lot of us around here and a state general equivalency diploma equals high school graduation minus years of subsisting in the tense environs that are the American public school system. To me it just seems like anxiety from stressful classrooms is vented through involuntary releases of energy in your scenario. For me the same anxiety was a precursor to social withdrawl 1st, and varying degrees of similar freakouts later.

Not sure what else to say except that I drink lots of tea and that helps me avert freaking out on the daily. Also try to read into personal sovreignty, it can be quite helpful with the peaceful individualism needed to keep people from disrupting your preferred state of mind.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Serena probably won't be able to take the GED for at least three more years. Serena is 14 years old.

Hi Serena. I'm sorry you're going through this with your parents. It seems like they're not listening to you too well. It seems like they think you're consciously trying to avoid school; and they feel like you could control your "flailing" as well.

I'm not in your mind, so I have no ability to determine whether or not your could control your "flailing." However: is there a way you could "try" to control the flailing?

When you don't go to school, do you get the assignments from the teacher, so you could keep up with the work?

I can't control when I begin, but sometimes, depending on if I'm panicking or if I just got overwhelmed for a moment, I can discontinue it. I don't even always hit people; it's just if someone is in the way. I'm not deciding to hit someone to get them away from me, but sometimes, it seems like that's how it is, since at times the cause IS someone touching me. I don't actually WANT to hit anyone when I do, because I know what the consequences are. It's not some tough decision on if I should hit someone or not- it just happens if they're in the way.

You seem like an intelligent young person.

I hope you are diligent in doing the missed assignments, and that the teachers are diligent in providing the missed assignments.

The most important thing is keeping up with the curriculum, and not to fall too far behind.

Usually the only problem is when I miss math, and I can catchy u in everything else. Last time I had math though the lessons were in videos online, so it wasn't a problem.

I missed school a lot when I was there. I missed about 59 days my senior year before getting kicked out and homeschooling for another 3 months. I used to stay home a lot not just for colds and the like but if I was having a bad meltdown that day or I was feeling sick from anxiety and depression, I would stay home. My parents did not want to have the police involved for my behavior as at age 8 I had nearly gotten in trouble for assault when I hit my principal and vandalized her things.

I was constantly taking sick days and in year 8 I remember it was a lot of fun spending time with my mother and going shopping and all that, but from years 9 to 12 it became difficult as I was in AP classes and I had missed a lot of work. I would also have worsened anxiety while home thinking about the work I missed.