trouble forgiving people

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When people have done something mean, or hurt you in anyway, do you find you have trouble "getting over it" or fully forgiving them. For me I find that to be the case. I had people do things even several decades ago that I still often find myself getting upset about if I think about it. I'm trying to work on it but none the less it's still an issue I seem to struggle with. It's like i can get upset at means things people have done awhile ago as if it happened yesterday. It's often irritating.

Yes. I'm not very forgiving. I hold grudge against horrible people forever. However, it doesn't really bother me. I don't feel I need to get over it because it's not affecting me now.

I depends on why they did it.

Some things, I don't forgive.

It depends on what they did. If they were taking advantage in some way or exploiting me or someone I care about I would probably never forgive them. IMHO that person is not trustworthy. If it was someone who did an honest screw up that would be a bit different.

There are some people best viewed in a rear view mirror.

I try to forgot such unpleasant situations.

I'm generally a forgiving person, especially with small things. The first time I forgave significant harm inflicted by another was age sixteen, and it set me free in the sense that I stopped carrying that hurt around; but, I could not transfer that ability to other situations, until there was a large build up due to unforeseen circumstances and I had to let them go, before the cynicism and bitterness changed me. There are some things that I forgive, but cannot forget.

I think there's two kinds of forgiveness - internal and external.

External forgiveness is the showy kind - "I forgive you..." Or when someone asks for forgiveness for some past wrongdoing. Or when people say "I forgive my daughter's killers..." or some such.

And then there's internal forgiveness, which isn't truly forgiveness - which is about letting go of the angst and not allowing someone to hurt you anymore. Yes, you may not trust or want to be around that person anymore, but it's a release. Thinking about them and what they did to you isn't a focus or a source of continual pain.

One is about your relationship to other people and one is about your relationship with yourself. If someone once did something mean to you 20 years ago and it bothers you afresh today, that isn't really about the other person, it's about you. But it's also a little bit about understand that that person isn't defined by that sole action.

That's an interesting perception. I would tend to think of the thing you describe as "external forgiveness" as not being forgiveness at all, but just acting.



Maybe I don't really understand forgiveness.

I thought is was supposed to be sort of wiping someone's moral debt clean for a past transgression.

Not obsessing over past injury is adaptive, continually revisiting wounding experiences is maladaptive and self-wounding. But not choosing to stoke up the emotional fire of remembered pain, or dwell on past injury is not the same thing as forgetting. And neither is it the same as forgiving in the "debt cleared" sense.

I guess the question of whether or not a person is defined by a single action depends for me on the action. If you murdered a person or tortured an animal to wound it's owner even once, that would pretty much close the book on you for me, for good. But if you said something stupid and offensive once and then all your subsequent actions showed that remark to be "out of character" I would certainly not define you by that one remark.... and there are continuous gradients between those extremes.

The more egregious the wrong a person has committed, the more they will have to show good behavior to recover their reputation with me.

Maybe I am just not really forgiving at all.