Aide physically abusing son

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Hi there, I have an almost 4 year old son who has autism and is attending a special needs preschool. On the drive home yesterday, I asked him how his day was, and he said that he didn't want to talk. When we got home, I asked him again and got the same response. Finally, I asked if something happened and he told me that his aide pushed him down and he got a mouthful of woodchips, which he spit at the aide (good for him!!). He said that the aide got mad and turned into a monster and he felt sad and mad. I asked some follow up questions, where he told me that this has happened before, that this aide makes him scream, sad, and nervous. I emailed all of his information in great detail to his teacher, and it was quickly sent straight to the director. We have a meeting coming up tomorrow (not sure who "we" is yet), and I'm very nervous about it. I don't have anyone I can bring with me who can be on my "side", and I am more or less expecting to have a team of official school type people sit there and tell me that it was all just a misunderstanding and then make me feel like I'm overreacting. I am never going to allow this man (the aide) to be in a classroom with my son again, but what am I supposed to do if they refuse to accommodate that? I will pull him out of preschool entirely if I have to, but to be honest, my son has intense behavioral issues, and I'm fairly certain that I can't handle him full time without the kind of caregiving relief that preschool provides. Does anyone have any advice? Is it possible to get an advocate for free somehow? Thanks.

What state/ country are you in? Is this a state funded or DOE funded preschool?

A tactic for meetings is to present things not as just being in your son's best interest, but also as being in the class's best interest. Clearly, it is non-productive to allow an aide your son is afraid of to work with him because that will not only reduce your son's compliance, but also increase disruption in the classroom for other children. So if they keep on talking about how it was all a misunderstanding, you can repeat, "that is all fine and good, but it does not change the fact that my son is afraid of and agitated by this particular aide, and the level of stress caused by continued forced interaction will increase the level of meltdowns he may have, and decrease his ability to comply. None of that is in anyone's best interest, so I think that without attributing fault, we still need to separate them." If that leads to talk about how to bridge the divide between them, you can say, "I know my son, this situation is too far gone for your suggestions to work. They need to be separated."

Hopefully they already understand the above and your meeting will go easily. It is difficult on all-sides because they can't just change staffing on a whim, but anyone who works with children is also aware that personality compatibility is and always will be a part of the business.

Sounds like improvement, at least.

Best wishes getting the transition made as soon as possible and as smoothly as possible.

I'm glad they gave your son a new aide, and I hope you secure your spot in the new school soon.

I was asking where you lived/ whether it was funded so that I could see if I happened to know of an advocacy place in your area, or what some of your rights were myself. I am also in NY.

Are you in the city? If so, in the future you can call Advocates for Children. They have an educational advocacy hotline, and will contact the school for you if necessary. You can also call Resources for Children with Special Needs and Partnership for Children's Rights (I think both also cover NY state too). They all offer free legal advice and have free advocates.

I was just going to suggest looking for an advocate going forward - thanks, Fitzi for posting.

Sadly, aides are grossly underpaid and undereducated - and I've heard this type of story locally several times - in two of the three cases I know about it was a child who did not have acting out problems, but was simply slow to respond, in two cases there were actual bruises on the children.

As a parent, I know full well how difficult it can be to keep your temper or even act appropriately when you ARE keeping your temper if you have a child who acts out and is in full-meltdown-mode...but as a parent, I didn't have any training at all until I came here. Aides should be trained - in fact, most boards of education have a "best practices" guide for managing kids with behavioral issues.

Be aware that DCFS takes reports on daycare and school personnel as well as on parents (perhaps more so.) If you think this aide may be doing the same to other children, you might ask the school if the abuse was reported - they are mandated reporters and should handle it. You can also report an aide to DCFS yourself if you feel that is warranted.