How can I be a better wife?

Post Reply New Topic

My husband and I have been married for a month now, and both of us have AS. My concern comes mostly from my end. He has better social skills than I do, and the medication that I am currently on (particularly Topamax) is making it difficult to open up to him. Also, I keep having these scary thoughts of my husband getting gravely ill. Yesterday, he didn't tell me about his ingrown toenail, because he knew I'd get upset over it, which I did anyway because my MIL told me. Sometimes, it's like he trusts her more than he trusts me, and it really hurts.

Am I bad for thinking like this, and if so, what can I do to improve myself as a wife, because I really want this to work.

Find some ways to relieve anxiety about him being very ill. All the regular remedies for anxiety: exercise, herbal tea, meditation, baths, distraction, etc.

About him telling MIL, don't get too upset about it. Your marriage is still very new. Old habits are hard to change. Even more so for AS folks!

I'd start by being involved in his toenail care. Offer to take him to any dr appointments, pick up supplies he needs, and/or just ask how it's doing. That will get you involved and let him know you aren't afraid of him not feeling well.

I know this forum is your safe haven, and I don't want to detract from that at all. That being said, I've been thinking about you off and on all day today, and after this morning, I knew something was up. Can't believe I didn't check here sooner to be honest.

This wasn't always the case. In fact, I'd argue it was the exact opposite when we started dating. The first date we ever had together, I was extremely introverted and barely talkative. I didn't really know what to do to be honest, and you seemed so confident that I just took your lead. I'm not sure if I ever told you this, but I honestly thought I failed that date, and was too shy to ask you out a second time in the hopes of mending the (admittedly non-existent) damage. That's mostly why I just dropped you off at home and left that day -- it wasn't anything you did, but rather that I couldn't muster the courage to take it further. That's also why it was over half a year before I emailed you that letter, asking you out on a second date. Even that was extremely hard for me. I'm not lying at all when I say that my Mom helped me revise it because I was too scared of coming across the wrong way.

All the while, I would keep an eye on your forum posts to see how you were doing. Sometimes I'd get more detail about a bad event from there than you would share with me in our daily texts. I still cared about you, and looked after your well-being as much as I could, but just couldn't muster up the courage to do so in person. I was, back then, a social coward. But shortly after I wrote that letter (somewhere between dates 2 and 5), I had one life change that took it all away:

I'm not entirely certain this is the only factor at play. I know it gives you a plethora of bad side effects that we are hoping to decrease, but at least with me, there was one thing (the life change I mentioned) that in a way "unlocked" my full social potential. It wasn't coming off the Risperdal, it was going on the Prozac. I'll talk to you more about how we achieve that with you when I get home, but my gut feeling is that much of what you're experiencing is anxiety-related. I didn't think I had much anxiety at all, just social awkwardness, but apparently anxiety meds treat the same thing. Trust me when I say it'll really change your world for the better. We got the whole weekend to talk about it too

As much as I hate to sound like your mom, this sounds like separation anxiety, manifesting itself as hypothetical "what if's". I'm not saying this is a bad thing per se, but treating anxiety will reduce the occurrence of this.

When it comes to those "Mom" things that come with experience, I will say that she does have more knowledge and experience in that area. That being said, I've been more open and honest with you than anyone else on the face of the planet, and I trust you more than anyone else alive. I know it seems like I trust my Mom more than you at times, but it's all about experience when it counts. As an example, when it comes to flying a plane, would you want in the cockpit, a pilot or a coal miner? 95% of the time you've been the pilot, but there are occasions where Mom knows her stuff or we've been through it before and as a result, she knows how to get the job done. This is a prime example -- she's dealt with this issue before (not just with me, but with my sister also), so I went to her first before going to you. Just like how you sometimes go to your Mom first before coming to me. It's not that I don't trust you, it's just that I know who can get the job done and went that route.

Who said it's not working?

I agree, find ways to relax and get centered. Broaden horizons. If you two can join the Y or a gym and exercise
together or enjoy a good walk, that, I do think, is very good for a relationship. Remember, you are in it for the
long haul, so don't fret the small stuff. Keep yourself healthy, you are no good to anyone if you are not healthy
yourself. Also, you need female friends. Maybe join a book club, knitting group, take a yoga class, etc. And,
as my guy always tells me (he is NT), "lighten up!". Best to you, Alice

I find this example of WP-assisted communication rather touching.

You guys are cute.

It's been quite a while since my husband and I had a conversation about his toes. Ah, newlyweds.

It's different to not trust you vs not trust how you'll react to news. To him, his issue was probably very minor and easily treatable, and he just didn't want you to worry. You can't be anyone other than yourself, and he's lucky to have a wife who loves and cares for him that much. I don't know if it's necessary to blame yourself or him, but I suppose it's worth talking about.