Diagnosing my Boyfriend

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I am a clinical psychologist and I am almost positive that my boyfriend of 10 months has Aspergers. I started getting an inkling about 6 months ago (lack of empathy + behaviors + communication style + stories his parents told me about him as a kid), and tried to manage it in my own way, not wanting to put my psychologist "hat" on and diagnose him. However his inability to take my 'normal' relationship feedback (e.g. 'when you do x, i feel ...') as only feedback, but rather to take it as criticism and become defensive has left us at a loss in our relationship, as we can never seem to solve any type of issue in a collaborative way.

Last Friday we decided to take a break. I am torn between whether I should share with him my suspicions and/or ask him if its ok to offer an idea as to what might be going on, versus continuing to keep it to myself. If I keep it to myself, I'm not sure how the relationship can survive, as it seems that some of his seeming Aspergers symptomology impede our ability to communicate. Although couples therapy could be an option.

For those who identify as Aspergers, would you have wanted to know your diagnosis in this manner -- from a significant other? Or would that have just alienated you and made you feel worse?

As far as I know he's never received a diagnosis, but he is pretty tight lipped about his past, and has refused to discuss any aspect of past relationships with me. I can't help thinking its kind of ironic that he would end up with me and that maybe I'm 'meant' to tell him, but that could just be me being narcissistic.

I am open to any and all thoughts, as I really love the guy. Thanks in advance

Aren't there some issues of ethics and objectivity involved when a medical professional attempts to diagnose and/or treat a person with whom they are having an emotional relationship?

I suggest that you write a referral to an appropriately trained and licensed diagnostician, rather than rely on the opinions of a largely uneducated collection of amateurs on a social website.

Referral?

She was asking if we would have issues with being diagnosed by a significant other, not whether or not her boyfriend has ASD. You answered her/his question and the part of your response about a referral is completely unecessary and rather omniscient.

Also, thank you for removing your pretentious signature.

The boyfriend wouldn't be "diagnosed" by the lady. The lady (wanting the boyfriend to be diagnosed) would only convey her "suspicions" to the boyfriend, who would then (hopefully) seek to obtain a diagnosis.

The lady cannot diagnose the boyfriend, even though she's a clinical psychologist--it would be a ethical violation based, obviously, on a lack of objectivity.

I don't think I would directly broach the subject of Asperger's. I might insert it in conversation, and speak of others who have some characteristic of Asperger's. Or I might read some article about Asperger's, tell him how interesting it was, then give him the article to read.

Then he might have an "Eureka moment" similar to the "Eureka moment" experienced by a murderer in Hamlet when the murder was presented in the form of a play.

Not to equate Asperger's with murder, obviously!

But presenting it indirectly might "leave him free" to speculate as to whether or not he has Asperger's.

Categorizing someone's way of thinking won't help you get along with them and neither will most third parties, so just put more energy into keeping the peace, isn't that what psychologist hats are really for?

This doesn't seem to be at all an aspergers thing, just a personality thing, but it does mean he almost certainly isn't going to take you diagnosing him with anything kindly.

My wife has occasionally said the same thing to me (about being defensive with "feedback"). Typically, I respond to all feedback the same way. I listen, I analyze, I respond. And, unless I am super emotional (which is rare), it is my goal to use logic to govern this process.

Is this an aspie thing? I have no idea. My wife would say that I am simply stubborn and inflexible.

I have to agree with those posting in this thread. It's great your a medically trained personal who can diagnosis BUT you have to remember your feelings might be getting in the way of a proper diagnosis.

Let him know what you think as its on your mind and if your close why hide your feelings? What he decides to do with the information your giving him is on him.

If you would of told me I was autistic 15 years ago I would of been in denial afraid to know the truth but the truth was and still is I knew something was different about me but did not want to be labeled as different.

This denial took me years to over come with people making their own armchair diagnosis of me.

It wasn't till I saw my autistic son and saw he was different did I start to correlate autism and myself.

It took my wife telling me she doesn't want to be with me on thanks giving and once more on Christmas did I finally want to find out. As much as people told me something was wrong with me they couldn't handle the fact that I was just diagnosised with autism and I am different