What I've learned about socializing

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I have asperegers and want to give some helpful hints, tips, and advice on social skills. Yes I'm an aspe and yes I'm giving social advice. The reason why I'm doing this is because, I spent my entire life, every single day, learning ecmverthing I could about socializing. I read as many books as I could find on the topic. I constantly went out, pushed my self, put my self into uncomfortable situations, been accepted, rejected, used, minipulated, felt acouraged, felt discouraged, rose from ever fall, and always learned from it- doing what I can to take every golden nugget I can from each situation. I even have a girlfriend now. I'm not bragging but there's tons of social advice from an NT perspective but I feal maybe from aspie perspective could be helpful too.

Tip 1: read as much stuff on social advice you can such as books, youtube videos, and parents. Yes some advice will be from NT, but it will give you a foundation. Focus on on:
1) how to start a conversation
2) keep a conversation going
3) how to end a conversation
4) learn the three above things in both individual and group of people
5) how to read body language
6) how keep a friend
7) how to lose a friend
how to detect user/abusers
9) know difference between jokes and seriousness.

Tip 2: let go of fear of being rejected or insulted. From my personal experience I have found out how important this one is and how underestimated this one is. I found for me almost 90 percent of the problems comes from being nervous and uncomfident. To fear of rejected and uncomfident to social skills are two components to nervousness. To let go of fear of rejection, one way is you need to experience it. The second way is mentally rehearse yourself in letting go of the fear. Another tip is letting go of the belief you HAVE to have that friend or gf/bf. The increase comfidence, you need

Tip3: Practice practice practice. I hate to say it but in order to get better, You have to practice. This may sound contradictory to something that is supposed to be natural. But our brains are wired differently and many aspects of socializing isn't natural for us. Like an NT leaning an instrument, we have to practice in order to get better.

Tip4: have some close people, or an online question/answer forum like yahoo answers where you can ask questions about particular social situations that happen where people can give you feedback and honest advice. I have several people who I truse where I can explain a specific social event that I wanted more understanding about or advice and can ask them. I also use online sources such as Yahoo Answers that is very helpful too. Kind of like how when people learn code and write programs there online forums that help them where people can copy and past their code and experts can help them through areas to get past where there stuck. In socializing, online forums like Yahoo Answers, Yik Yak, Wrong Planet, or other sites can act ad the same way. You'll be amazed at how helpful it is. For rxample: you got rejected, and feel confused as to why, explain the situation and then ask "why do you think it happened?" The key is is to explain a particular situation as clear and concise as possible.

Tip5: watch popular movies, TV shows, and watch the news. I don't consider this one a crucial one but it does help a lot. This helps bring forth more conversation which makes socializing easier. There something important I learned about this from a mistake I made though. I used to try to learn as everything popular as I could even if I wasn't interested. When I came to stuff I wasn't interested , even if I learned a lot about it, it would make the conversation awkward because people can talj more about the topic and subtletypick up on the fact your not interested in the topic. It will always catch up to you. Always make sure to learn something that your interested in. I recently stopped being interested in TV all together and tried to see what happened and guess what? I still find I can still talk about stuff. News and entertainment helps but it's still possible to socialize without that in the equation.

I personally want to say that even though socializing does have it's benefits and a person with asperger's can learn them if they want to, it is okay if you feel like you can't. For that matter it is okay if you can't socialize in the same way society wants you too. If you consider your self awkward, that doesn't mean you can't socialize with others. It just means you need to find other people who can socialize with the same nitch. If your nerdy and awkward, find other people like that. If your the type that is quiet, fin other friends who are like that too. If your the type that doesn't want to socialize, that's okay too. Yiu can still be happy without friends and without a bf/gf, the belief that you wont is only a myth. There infinitely many other ways to have fun too like playing video games, programming, learning something new on the internet, reading a book, traveling on your own to a city and doing fun things you want without worrying about others. Don't let people make you feel bad about it.

Don't let other people's successes bring you down allow that to be a comparrison. You can be and are perfectly happy the way you are. Don't let people discourage you from not being yourself. If you do, your only sobitoging yourself and your happiness. Inspire people with your uniqueness. People can learn a lot from you.

even looking on social media at funny videos like that roll safe r.s guy as everyone can relate and find it funny

Gaining and keeping friends has got to be the hardest part for me. Even having a basic conversation doesn't seem possible sometimes. It's like I'm trapped.

In my experience, when someone starts insulting me, I've already crossed some point of no return and there's no way they or anyone else in their social circle is ever going to respect me again. Therefore, fear of being insulted is crucial to me and I won't let it go anytime soon.

I concur.

I spent the first 30 years of my life totally oblivious to the fact I have the social awareness and self awareness of a rock. Everything I thought I understood was wrong and now every social encounter is confusing as hell. I don't know how to do the most basic things.

I recently posted "was I better off ignorant" in the in depth adult group with examples of just how socially ret*d I am.

So thank you for giving me somewhere to start and what to learn. I need kindergarten for social skills.

This is a great post.

In middle school, I was extraordinarily socially awkward and uncomfortable, and completely oblivious to how my behavior was viewed by other people. I was the exact opposite of fashionable, I never spoke, and when I did speak, it was about my obsession at the time which was not something others were interested in. As a result, everyone thought I was a freak, no one wanted to talk to me, I had no friends, I never did anything, and I distinctly remember one kid who sat behind me saying to his friend, "Don't talk to her, she's socially inadequate."

Now, 8 years later, I'm good at socializing (although I'm still awkward and don't like too much socializing, I'm far more at ease than I used to be), I know how to dress myself, I have friends, I go to parties, everyone at my workplace likes me, and I have a wonderful boyfriend.

How did I make that transition?

I listened. I was quiet and I listened to everything that went on around me with an open mind. I learned how behaviors were viewed by others. I learned how people interacted, and what they found to be uncomfortable. I became sensitive to the feelings of others, and I learned how to act in accordance.

I know there are many Aspies that have learned how to be successful at socializing, and I know there are many more Aspies who haven't figured it out yet but would like to. That's why I like this post, you are giving your advice as an Aspie who has found success in socializing and you are passing on your knowledge. I hope I can give helpful advice from my success as well.

We Aspies may have a tendency to look in on ourselves, but when you open up your mind and listen, its amazing what you can learn.

Yep. That about covers it.

What's your advice for someone who is trying to lose friends?

How do you detect users/abusers I think that one is a lot more important

My suggestion, based on personal history, is to seek help and feedback from those close to you whom you already trust. I've sadly never been able to learn how to spot one of these on my own, but *every* time a trusted friend or relative has warned me, they've been proven right eventually. Accepting that I cannot see things that others can, in much the same way that my red/green colorblind father cannot distinguish between red and green shades, has been difficult.

My big issue right now is having people I'd consider close friends. I have a lot of acquaintances and sort-of-friends, I get along well with people and could talk for hours about whatever they'd like to talk about... but connecting on a deeper level than that is something I've only ever managed to do by accident.

Maybe if I could stop steering the topic away from the subject of "me", that'd help a bit.

My experience is kind of the opposite, though it's not immediately apparent. Most "NTs" tend to get over stuff very, very quickly. You can offend them or anger them and they often won't even remember it a few days later, let alone have an opinion on it.

Things got way easier once I noticed that.

This is similar to what I often experience. Although, last night, following some introspection, I had a series of epiphanies, and among them, was this realization that my issues pertaining to 'literal thinking' (and Theory of Mind, perhaps) are somewhat severe, and have a profound effect on how I communicate/process information, subtle cues, underlying, or hidden meanings, etc.

If we are wired a certain way, I wonder if it is possible to "learn" to pick up on underlying meanings, subtleties and the like? At least those, that are intended to add a positive element to a conversation? As opposed to going right over our heads (so to speak). Last night I realized, that, while conversing with someone (six weeks, ago), the person used that style of commutation, yet, I had taken their words, literally, verbatim. I remember they had used the 'wink' smiley, but, for some reason, it had no effect on the way I processed the intended information (other than puzzling me, slightly). It is somewhat disheartening to think about. I miss conversing with them.