Not sure what to do

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Not sure where to begin. I'm 29, married, and have a decent paying job. Shouldn't have any room for complaint. But I am not in a happy state.

When I was younger I could barely hold a job for 6 months. The end of one of those jobs in particular is burned into my brain. It was a small warehouse job. Their inventory was terrible. I was trying to make it more efficient. When I was let go I was told "you have special talents. You shouldn't be spending them here" - or something to that effect. Then I didn't understand. That was about 10 years ago.

I got married almost 7 years ago - April 2009. It wasn't until a few years ago that my wife discovered that I am (most likely) on the autism spectrum. At the time she was working as a bi-lingual para-educator. She attended a seminar about autism and was blown away by the parallels she saw in me. At that time we were having a really hard time, but that revelation brought some understanding that ultimately helped our relationship.

Even with the revelation, things have been difficult, due to my narrow focus and inability to read her and other people. I can sense when something is bothering her, but not the reason, usually because I didn't pick up on previous hints. Things are difficult, but they get better every day. Even before the discovery, she has helped me tremendously over the years and I can fake it socially well enough to fool myself.

My current job I've had since a little before I got married. The only reason why I am still there is because my boss think of me "as like a brother". But even when I told him about the possibility of me being on the spectrum he wouldn't believe it.

The company started with just my boss and I, and it has grown to 12+ people, and the business is still growing. I have a lot of difficulty working with other people. A lot of misunderstandings occur. And for the most part I try not to let it bother me. I try to pick up the pieces and move on. But over time I tend to half meltdowns. And it only happens because of work.

I used to be rather obsessed with work. It hasn't been very good for me. It's hard for me to go on vacation without something going wrong. That has caused a lot of stress. Especially when the company was smaller. Lately I've been trying to leave work at work. And my co-workers even tell me that I need(ed) balance. But they themselves work more than 9-5. Like they enjoy it. So when I get called outside of hours it's a bit irritating because - how am I supposed to have balance when I'm expected to be on call all the time? Lately I am feeling very repulsed by my job.

I'm pretty sure that autism runs in my family, specifically on my moms side. Although none of us have been tested for it. I have yet to be tested. Which, I'm really not even sure where to get tested. Many of the things I've read seem to suggest that the focus is on children and that finding someone that can accurately test an adult is difficult.

I started trying to schedule things I do in my life. I scheduled a couple hours in the morning for personal projects. Stuff that are more important to me than my day job. I used to do those and they made me happy. But lately I have been hitting <= 50% of those things and have not been working on my personal projects.

I'm in this perpetual slump. I have ups and downs. But even the ups are not very high up. I used to be more confident. Now it's a challenge to get up in the morning.

You mention work and personal projects--what about your wife? Do you do any activities together on weekends to get your mind off work?

During the week in the evenings we'll usually watch something. We usually go out to eat a few times a month. And on the weekend we go shopping every week, and occasionally we'll go somewhere like the beach. Although she would like it if we went somewhere all the time. She likes to have adventures and stuff. While I do prefer to be around people, I'm somewhat of a homebody. That had made things a bit difficult.

I mention work because it seems to have taken over my life and demands my attention all the time, whether I like it or not. My goal with the personal projects is to eventually do something on my own. I have the ability, but being motivated has been a struggle lately. Which I didn't have that problem before.

A possible compromise is to go to the local attractions on the weekends.

You may benefit from project planning--breaking down your project into bite size pieces. I found that I really want to complete projects--but that can't be done if I'm inundated with higher priority work projects. But, if I break things down I can complete the little pieces one at a time. Also, it takes discipline, but it helps if you stop as soon as you have reached a completion point. That's it--done.

It really seems like you've succeeded quite well, despite your autism.

OP when you hit these slumps, the problem and its answer is probably arising from any one of 4 areas: physical, emotional, psychological, or neurological.

The physical is often a good starting place. Given that autism is recognised more and more as affecting many important body processes, and allergies are fairly common, changing your diet (eg maybe trial being strictly wheat free) and addressing any deficiencies (often zinc, on the spectrum) may be enough to kickstart life energy again.

Emotional examples are things that have been put off - stuff you need to sort out with someone but are avoiding - or continual exposure to someone who is consistently invalidating in some way, and until you assert yourself your needs go unmet and unrecognised. This causes physical stress, which causes inflammation in the body, which usually lowers energy and motivation.

Psychological is your characteristic way of thinking, how you see the world, yourself, your beliefs, your attitudes. Maybe some of these need updating.

Neurological is the state of balance or imbalance in your four major neurotransmitters - GABA, Dopamine, Serotonin and Acetlycholine. Stress can throw these out of balance and it appears that a significant number of people on the spectrum are born with a GABA deficiency which continues throught life. You can do a lot to rebalance these yourself - tryptophan boosts serotonin, Gaba and Taurine boost GABA, tyroxine boosts Dopamine, and eggs and other foods boost acetylcholine. A useful book to assess which if any neurotransmitter is in a deficiency state is "The Edge Effect" and you can google that. There is an enormous amount of information regarding the impact of amino acids on neurotransmitters online, at Amazon, in libraries. It is good to acquire a basic knowledge of these if you have found yourself getting stuck again and again and not knowing what to do or where to start to kickstart your life energy.

A lot of information there, I hope some part of it will prove helpful to you. Good luck.

Perhaps you need to train someone at work to handle the emergency stuff?

I have been successful in some areas. And I have met some others on the spectrum who were still living at home, and I wonder how I was able to get where I am. But then I remember I'm almost 30 and I'm 12 years older than them, and I probably wasn't much different then... Although I didn't have a lot of support from my parents. They didn't know. And my environment was so hostile I had to leave and figure things out on my own. Although I did so rather poorly. I lacked any social graces. It wasn't until I got married that I started to be less abrasive, thanks to help from my spouse. Although I still have a long away to go!

I do tend to avoid situations that involve emotion. And I get a lot of negative attention at work. The best way to explain it is... they treat me like a child? But on the other hand they call me a genius. It's all very confusing. None of them will entertain the possibility I'm on the spectrum. They probably see it as an excuse.

I am definitely having some physical / health issues. Probably because of diet. Although we have been eating healthy things. I could try experimenting with supplements and see if that makes a difference.

One recurring problem I have, and I do not know the cause: I frequently wake up with migraine headaches. It probably happens once or twice a week. Sometimes more frequently. Other times less. It never happens in the middle of the day. I always wake up with them. And pain killers only really take the edge off. It usually lasts about 4-5 hours after taking something.

I brought up work in my first post because I believe that many of my issues stem from an enormous amount of continuous stress. I probably should leave that job. But I have several fears about that, such as: how do I not put myself right back in the same situation?

I would not quit this job until you've definitely lined up another job.

I take atenolol for hypertension. This commonly prescribed beta blocker is also useful for controlling anxiety and migraines.

Search Google for "atenolol migranes"
www.americanheadachesociety.org

Your boss\friend makes sure you are protected,

In a different workplace people would gang up on you and either
bully you
Or
Go behind your back and get you fired.

Have you talked to your friend about your stress levels?

I won't. I've made that mistake before. In fact the last time that happened I actually lined up another job, but it didn't end up working out. If I do something else I need to make sure it's solid.



While he does protect me, he causes a lot of my stress. He is the one who gets angry when I miss some detail or expectation. He lectures and says the same things over and over again. It's to the point that I get agitated when I get a message from him. Every message I have gotten comes off to me as hostile.

So that is the problem--you need to relieve the agitation caused by your boss.

Yes that is a big problem,

One thing you could try is to show him that you are changing, to become more responsible.

I don't know much about your situation but I'm guessing that he sees you as someone who is somewhat unreliable, and he feels entitled to show all of this hostility or he could just be a bully who takes out his frustrations on an easy target.

So if you sbow signs of changing and he doesn't change then there is a problem.
You have to announce to him What you are doing to become more organized to have a more immediate effect.

In practice, being the boss is a sign of success. And, in America, change is a sign of weakness. This means that you shouldn't expect your boss to change. You may want to find more realistic ways of reducing stress.

It sounds like they've got you pigeonholed into a specific role in the group. I'm not sure of the specifics of your situation but in my experience once you're pigeonholed, it's hard to change the way people perceive you.
Keep looking for new opportunities. And in the meantime see if there are any ways you can let your boss know that the situation isn't working for you.