At The Edge. Fearful of losing the best job I have had

Post Reply New Topic

Hello. It has been awhile since I browsed or posted to this forum. For while I have been for the most part been doing well at a job that pays well. The only caveat is that I have been struggling at school. For the most part I have been self-medicating 420. It never interfered with my job, never high at work. I was never incapacitated at all at any one time. The moments of error and negligence occurred when I was extremely tired at work. I go to night school for a networking degree. I come home emotionally exhausted but collected after work and school, 12 hour days about two to three days a week. And for the rest of the week I work 8 hours. The sleeping by a different time zone as it were obviously affected things in my life. But I don't recall it being causing a considerable dip to my performance except clerical errors such as adding numbers correctly, or Not quite crossing every "T" or dot each "I" more often than most. But today I did make a serious but fixable error. Fixable that nothing was lost, nothing destroyed or overcharged. I simply did not read the entirety of an e-mail that contained important details which caused a bit of panic.

My boss was sick so he worked from home and naturally it is my responsibility to make things go smoothly. Well things did not go so smoothly and my boss had to talk with a person at home, consult someone else at work. My boss carbon copied me on a e-mail which stated: "Please call me directly" I knew this CC was a indirect warning if not a in direct reprimand.

I would go into the finer details step-by-step but that is too long for this forum and anyone's attention span .
But in my defense I am in customer service. And at times I get pretty damn sick and tired of the expectation to be "on target" every step of the way and at every moment. And the customer of course, because they pay me to think for them, have licence to be an a**hole and I'm supposed to be apologetic for their mistakes, misunderstanding or even their meanness.

So many times before I was in fear for my livelihood, and of course all those moments of fear were symptoms of my typical illogical and clinical anxiety.

And of course, as always, every moment I have had a freak out: I'd spend hours fixated on the past going through it step by step all day wasting my free time. And tonight is no different, and as before, I dread walking into work thinking this will be the last day.


The reason this is different, however, is because I have learned to catch the subtle hints. Which leads me to believe I am in serious and legitimate danger. Like a gazelle in the African Bush after midnight. As if I had been slowly losing my grip. So much so but so subtly that I had trouble recognizing it myself. And being Autistic, I am sometimes so blind to my own emotional state that I don't even recognize it at times.

I am not particularly good at apologies'. When I was so clinically Autistic that I wasn't even self-aware, I would make a mistake that couldn't be rationalized or understood by anyonelse. Therefore every attempt I made was disregarded which lead to humiliation that I at some point I learned not to even bother apologizing because nobody seemed to accept or even care that I was trying. So I just stopped trying altogether but I digress.


I really can't lose this job, the boss is so nice and so flexible that I have had free reign to do alot of things as long as I did my job.

P.S

Before anyone asks, does he know your Autistic, I suppose the answer is "Yes, maybe?" I never explicitly said I am, but I assume he and everyone else for the most part recognized it and figured me to be as such. I did not do so because the last time I did was death nail at my last job.I was fired within the span of 2 months, when everyone at work assured: "Don't worry, it takes everyone 3-4 months to get thing pat down." Which I can only assume was a lie that reflected the previous Boss's distrust if not prestigious. Of course the irony is he had no problem employing for a longer time dumber people than me, so I don't know how to comment other than, write: "s**t Happens"

How long have you been with the company?

Maybe it is just a reprimand. Most bosses realize that people make mistakes.

At least, nothing was permanently lost because of your "mistake."

Yes, I do hope you keep this job until you retire.

So here is an update. The circumstances that lead to my fears stem from a few moments when I had lost my composure at work. I didn't say any swear words but have been projecting a negative vibe, attitude at work lately. Partly because I endured a 30 min call that came at the wrong moment when my nerves were raw and I was exhausted from class the previous day. My boss asked me one time if there was something bothering me and I said no. But the 2nd time around I had made an error I confided I was tired and was fearful I was going to fail an important prerequisite at school. So everything was said and done but the mood has changed significantly.

The vibe at the office has changed. One person no longer greets my arrival which I take as one sign. The 2nd sign is they interviewed a candidate to hire, when a few weeks ago my boss believed there was no need to hire anymore people at the office. The only comfort I can take right now is that the matter was openly discussed while I was within ear shot. Therefore it is not a secret prelude to a change that is immediate.

When I received on call the assistant to my director looked at me expecting as if I were to lose my temper at the caller or something, which I take as another bad sign of things. When the candidate came, the same assistant gave me a grave look when the person arrived and knocked on the door. As if she was worried because I was going to answer the door. I can only assume this person has a poor poker face, and like me tends to where her mood on her sleeves.

As written before I have had bouts of paranoia and fear I would was going to lose my job. And as before I believe this time to be different, the subtle signs are connecting in a logical sequence of events that seem to point to that assumption . I can easily say I had never at any point felt this fear more strongly than ever before. I feel as though I must seriously consider start looking for employment elsewhere. I have a strong inclining and desire to, as some point later maybe in the late Fall when things are less busy if indeed I will have to move on. The only reason I believe I won't be let go even when or if this person is hired, is I am knowledgeable at my job. I have only suffered mistakes and set backs recently due to the stress, which has passed. I believe I have at the very least until Fall. When things slow down it will be the best time to let me know and ease in the new person. I have a strong desire to meet with my boss and ask straight out if I will be replaced because of things before. I haven't felt this scared for a long time.

Do you have medication, or a counselor or therapist to talk to, or some other way to calm your anxiety?

IMO that is the first order of business. IF you can get yourself calm, THEN you can tell your boss that you had a personal issue upsetting you that was affecting your job performance, but you have now resolved it. Then thank him for being so understanding (even if he wasn't). THEN put in a stellar performance for the next couple of weeks, INCLUDING keeping your boss updated EVERY DAY about what you have accomplished.

Bosses don't actually like hiring new people; so if you are able to calm yourself sufficiently to carry on as the employee your boss would hate to lose, then you will overcome this hurdle. IMO you should do whatever it takes to calm yourself sufficiently to play this game, whether eating two pizzas before work or something more personal.

Please give it a try. We're rooting for you.

Actually, upon reflection, I do believe what happened was a sign of awkwardness, because the interviewee was late. I suppose his appointment was scheduled before I came into work. But they talked about it constantly so it wasn't a big secret. I suppose that could be a more definitive clue they were looking for a new hire, I suppose being that late lowered their expectations. I actually met the him and opened the door for him(our office doors are always locked for security.)

I did apologize to my boss today, when the meeting was over he reached out and I shook his hand. I suppose that is a good sign.

And I remeber this assistant giving me the same look, when I had a full beard and tan, as I was joking with a co-worker about Amazon drones delivering coaches instead of hell fire misses. I am pretty confident she is a bit of a racist. She told everyone she thought Al-Jazeera was a terrorist organization and was frustrated that Hispanic immigrants don't speak English. She also supports the use of torture at Gitmo. I replied that Al-Jazeera is not a terrorist organization. The second comment I said in response: "I believe that may have something to do with the legal limbo they live in." I didn't respond to the 3rd comment. Another time I pointed out the issue with the paleo-diet: There is little evidence of what they actually ate, and there are so few remains. Secondly people barely survived the Neolithic age.

o I suspect she doesn't particularly likes me. But she is from Texas where facts are considered obscene and everyone qoutes Leviticus like a reflex. But I digress