39 Years of Regret

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To whom it may concern,

I'm kind of your average aspie. I was bullied in HS, can't socialize well, find it hard to get work, never had a relationship,and etc. But after my 39th birthday, I'm now realizing just how old I am and how I spent my life. I have gone to therapy for over 15 years. And although I've made progress on my anxiety from long ago and even a bit of my social anxiety, I still have no job and few friends. Don't get me wrong, I actually know a few people, but for the most part a good number of them are people I just wouldn't hang out with all the time. On top of that I live in a small town and I have always felt like an outsider here. And that this place really doesn't have much to offer me. I've spent so much time trying to fix things about me that make me unhappy that I regret so much of that time going by without still getting what I want out of life. You can spare me all the, "you're still young" and all that. Part of the issue was I wasn't allowed to enjoy those past couple of decades feeling like I was missing out. I'm not asking to have it like anyone else. I'm not asking about all the normal "white picket fence" crap that has been talked about. That's not the point. The point is that I feel like life cheated me or that I cheated myself by not doing, by not taking action. I have let soooo many things keep me from my dreams. 95% of it is judgment. I have felt this lingering judgement all my life, so worried that others might think ill of me. I have even felt judgement when I was felt ill of.

And another thing is that I have felt all my life like I had to live under my parents' understanding of God, mostly due to my judgmental (he denies he's judgmental), narrow minded father, who thinks that his understanding is the only understanding. Don't get me started on him. I'm angry at him, thought I never say, for mentally keeping me from moving on. So tell me this, from all the stuff I've read about our religion, why is it that he and soooo many others like him always say people do this, that, and the other thing wrong in life. If you think that way, are you not, too, judging others? As I recall, I don't see anything in Jesus's story about trying to live a clean and perfect life. I remember judge not lest ye be judged. (Sorry for the rant, but it goes with all of this.)

So, now I have fibromyalgia and along with that my anxiety has been minimized...no turned into depression or bipolor (I still need to see the psych about this as it's been a few months.) And that just makes this even more difficult. The funny thing is, though, despite the fact that I fee like crying a lot, I do so minimally. I'm not even sure I do it once a month. On top of that I am trying to move things along in my life. I have a helper that is pushing me towards these goals and I am doing them. I do feel I can work. I do feel like I can work without having too much of this on my shoulders. Frankly I think it's because of the positive people I do have in my life. I recall liking the people I worked with last year before I stopped to learn to deal with my fibro (which is still going on).

Don't get me wrong I am pushing forward. I know I am strong. But I feel like so much has past me by that I have a lot of doubt in my heart and regret of the past. It is weighing me down quite a bit. Sometimes I do wonder if my future will be bright and it damn well better be blindingly bright. But I sure do hurt right now.

Sincerely,
J Alan E.

You are working on your goals, J Alan E.

Good for you!

You're 39. I'm not. And you know, there's no way we can realistically compare each other's lives when it comes to things like achievements anyway, because you and I are two different people who grew up in and currently live in different circumstances. And that's okay.

Regrets? The past is gone. What you can do is make the most of what you have today. Easier said than done, but you're taking steps forward. A word of caution which I'll share with you just so you're not surprised like I was ... when you're down and failing, people will think ill of you so they can feel superior. And guess what? When you succeed, some people will envy that ... and think ill of you. So either way, best thing is to be your best self, and pay no attention to the critics and naysayers.

Religion? Seems like this may be an area where you and I agree to disagree. That said, if it's because of your father that religion leaves a bad taste in your mouth, maybe you could ask your questions to God directly and not filter your idea of God through your father. (Another one of those things that can be easier said than done.)

Anyways, you're reaching out.
I'm reaching back.
Hi there.

The pangs of mid-life crisis. I ponder my mortality every day...

I would suggest to try and stop lamenting over that which could've been and to simply live your life, to focus on your goals and to count your blessings. To find contentment. Because it could all end at any moment; it goes without saying that you could die in a car accident, or that you could be stricken with a terminal form of cancer. Solar flares could send us back to the stone age, and then we'd all be royally f****d. Also, there is no shortage of elderly folk who did everything that society told them to do -- who were, for all intents and purposes, "successful" people in their youth -- and yet many of them feel as though their lives have been squandered.

You are your own best company. Other people can let you down without compunction, yet you must answer to yourself. I have removed all from my life who would seek to cast stones in my direction.

As for God, I can't very well be angry at something that I do not believe even exists, but that's just me.

I strongly recommend that you consider unshackling yourself from your Christian programming. Ask yourself, "Has this really served me well over the past 39 years, or has it in fact held me back?" Only you know the answer. You could try broadening your horizons with other systems of thought, such as Buddhism and even Satanism. What do you have to lose?

The vast majority of people on this earth will not be remembered posthumously in any real capacity; their lasting legacies will be headstones in cemeteries that random strangers occasionally study whilst passing through. Regardless, in the end, everyone returns to a state of nothingness. Knowing this, does it really matter what you do in the here and now?

lot of extrovert and sucessful people also have few friends. i know a person who is a lecturer in leading college, she is smart, extrovert, talkative but hardly has close friends.

well job a cousin yesterday was saying that lot of people are being laid off in his workplace they are all smart, talented, well qualified. this cousins himself is extrovert, double MBA and talented he himself fears being getting laid off.

i felt like people in small towns are leading happier life. i live in a big city there is noise, crowd, dust, lot of isolation and lots of competition.

i dont know grass is green on other side. but if i had small cottage in rural area i would have kept a small garden, lots of pets, and gone on long nature walks.

I have fibromyalgia but don't spend most of my time in pain, so let me share a perspective with you. Life with fibro is all about making day-to-day, even moment-to-moment changes in your activity level and pain-ameliorating strategies. If you set your goals too high, you will be brought low by the fibro; while with a more modest achievement goal, you may be able to maintain that tricky balance.

Good luck, and please don't judge yourself too harshly.

Hi, I'm 63 and whenever I let my mind wander down the path of "what if" and "if only," it just leads me to a dark place. I know it may be good to look back on occasion for perspective, but don't linger there. All the past is water under the bridge, you can't change it, just let all that stuff float away. Stay forward focused, keep the positive people around you, tune out the toxic ones.

As far as Jesus' story goes, he lived a very unconventional life. He befriended the people that the religious people of his day were judgemental of like tax collectors (aka embezzlers ) and prostitutes. Once when people were ready to stone to death an adulterous woman, he said that the person among them who had never sinned should cast the first stone. Everybody dropped their rocks and left. The only people he ever was judgemental of were the hypocrites who thought they were better than everyone else. I agree with a previous writer that you can't base your idea of what God is or isn't through the filter of your parents' perceptions. It's a personal journey and only you alone can decide what to believe or not believe. Your parents and no one else can decide that for you.

It's great to have goals in life and to achieve the glory of an Olympic medalist is awesome! But years from now, who will remember their names without looking them up on Wikkipedia or Google? I'm not trying to discourage you from achieving goals, I'm just saying that the glory of achieving them is fleeting. For me, the greatest joy in life comes from the everyday things, playing with my dogs, seeing a rainbow, helping at kid at the school where I work find a scholarship, showing a new kid where their classroom is, putting a band aid on a kid's banged up knee, etc. So pursue your goals but don't forget to smell the roses on the way.

Sorry to hear you have to deal with the pain of fibromyalgia. That can make the days and nights really tough to bear. I have CFS, got it sudden onset when I was 28. But back then no one talked of fibromyalgia or CFS. I was told it was all in my head. Even my own mom told me I was just lazy. The only person that believed me was my husband because he knew I was vibrant and full of life one day and the next day I was bedridden with fatigue and I never recovered to my former self.

I do hope that the next chapters of your life are blindingly bright.