I'm inhuman

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Hi, for as long as I remember I knew I was different, early on I reached the conclusion that I was not human, that I was a genetic mutation. I explained this to psychiatrists at the time. I did not have an ASD diagnosis at that time, so for anyone who has had a discussion like that with a psychiatrist knows it really did not go down well.

I'm 43 and got diagnosed at 42. It explained a lot, the pieces have been gradually slotting into place over the last year. I had no idea that I was autistic before, I just kept being a genetic mutation, not quite human and continuously ending up talking to psychiatrists.

Has anyone else here reached the logical conclusion that they are not human?

I feel more like I'm a defective human. As I learned more about autism (I always knew I had it) I felt this way more and more.

Never had a conclusion that I'm a defective/superior/inferior/special/mutant, but I'M odd and I'm fine with that.

If anything, I'm painfully aware that I'm too human, so sometimes I WISH that INhuman instead.
Knowing more about autism didn't made it better or worse.


But what makes a 'human' anyway?
Is it the sensitive, compassionate, altruistic teamplayer with open weaknesses?
Or that needy, selfish, guile of a predator with a perfect face?

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Since I was young I've had the occasional sense that I wasn't actually human, but something else. Not better or worse than human, just alien in some way.

Since then I've reminded myself that when get medical care, the tests and x-rays, and everything looks normal. Blood is red, not green, etc. So I've begrudgingly accepted the evidence that I am a human but with a different kind of brain wiring.

Thanks for the replies, I don't really know what makes a human but I've always seen such stark difference in how I perceive the environment and react to events than NTs do that I simply was of the conclusion that I was not human. Similar to being a goat in a herd of sheep.
Now that I'm learning about ASD I'm trying to reevaluate my conclusion.
The thing is though that I still feel like a goat in a herd of sheep and they keep asking: "why are you doing/saying that?" etc.
I don't mind being different I just want to make sense of it

I used to wonder if I was an alien raised among humans. That was around the time that The X-Files had started being really popular. Then I wondered if I was an expression of Neandertal DNA around the time that stuff started being discovered. Now I know that I'm autistic and that helps me feel a lot better. There's nothing I can do about it and I will always be different from most other people, but at least I'm a human being with a diagnosed disorder. I'm not just some kind of inhuman freak.