Are my non autistic children going to suffer?

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This is my first time posting here. I do not want this to come off as selfish or snotty but I need some advice! I am a concerned mom wanting to make the best decision for my children and their future! My fiancé's 11 year old son is non communicative, non verbal, severely autistic. He is somewhat self sufficient in he can dress himself when he is told to do so and can eat by himself (although there are very few things he will eat) but is basically not independent at all besides that. I love him and have developed a bond with him that I never thought was possible... I have two young children of my own who are 6 and 9. They have also bonded with fiancé's son and are great with him. They had never been around anyone with autism prior to him but have never treated him differently at all. They try to help him and include him at all times. It all seems great how well our families have come together.

But I'm starting to worry about the future and what will happen. I'm really afraid that my kids are going to miss out on things and suffer because of their future step brother's autism. They have see him act out, scream, hit himself, hit me, touch strangers, and all the other crazy behavior that goes along with this. And they seem ok. I talk to them about his autism all the time and want them to feel like they can ask me any questions or tell me if they are feeling uncomfortable. My biggest issue right now is when he gets frustrated and pinches, hits, pushes one of them when they are trying to help him. He's a big kid, bigger than me, and has really hurt my daughter a few times. I know he can't help it and doesn't understand but how do I explain to my kids that they just have to put up with it?

Then comes the fact that I worry they are going to miss out on things. My fiancé wants us to ALWAYS do everything as a family. Which means if his son acts up or gets freaked out we all have to leave wherever we are immediately. So I find my children missing out on family get togethers, my son's football games, team parties, dinners out, etc. Is that just being selfish? I know it sounds that way but I WANT them to get to experience all these things and I'm terrified they'll look back one day and blame me if they miss out on stuff they should get to do because of this new step brother in their life.

Any advice anyone can give me would be great! Thank you!

Hi Betty,
Your concerns should be heard. You and your kids have equal rights in everything.
In most healthy mixed families, you and your kids should go out alone. He and his kids too.
You have a right to come and go as you please - your kids too.
Some people in the asp family have a controlling attitude or how they think the world should be.

You are not selfish. He is selfish for telling you what you should and should not do.

It is not right for anyone to hit you. This can be a problem. DO take your time in getting married. Years even, in order to really watch how things are.

Most parents with kids with special needs... meaning they are scared of fireworks, for instance, know that they should leave the area with their kid. Take 2 cars in fact, just in case. One parent usually leaves with the child that is afraid, tired, worn out.
There is no need to make all leave.

Yes---- n/t kids matter.

I am starting to see this now. That people are going over and above for an asp kid. Great. however, n/t kids matter too. They need to be heard too and live life to the fullest also in ways that they want to and need to.

I am now 50. I look back on how my life was affected due to some siblings and their personality. I had to always do what suited everyone else. Then I was taught my feelings are not equal. That led me marrying wrong.

Take your time. There is no need to rush this family together or marriage.

I'm not a parent, but I was a child with autism...and I don't know why your whole family has to leave when your autistic family member needs to -- my family did not. My mother simply removed me and she and I either went home or to a separate place, while the rest of my family remained doing what they were doing, where they were doing it.

Nobody had to miss out just because I got freaked out, burned out, melted down or overtired. In fact it was me who missed out on everything!

I just don't agree with your fiance's policy that when his son needs to leave a situation due to overwhelm, everyone has to leave.

It's nice to "do everything as a family" but I don't agree with this -- speaking as the kid who would have made everyone leave if my parents had the same policy.

Do you know what that would have done to my siblings' already resentful attitude toward me, and my own sense of shame? It's bad enough as it was.

When the boy has had too much, let one parent take him home or aside.

I don't think that you should learn your kids that they just have to put up with it.
If you want your family to get along in the future and still like each other they have to know that their needs are just as important as those of their family members.
Why should anybody want to be a family if that means that they others are allowed to hurt them?
I think you should learn your kids how to defend them self, how to get away from a situation where they get hurt, how to get help when somebody hurts them and come up with other effective strategies that prevent them from getting hurt.

These two points really bothered me. You're putting your kids in a situation where they're being hurt. Until they are old enough to protect themselves, it is your duty to do so. Your fiancee is looking out for his kid, you're throwing yours under the bus for a relationship. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I really hate people who choose a new partner over their own kids. And yes, they will blame you when they're older.

I am not ALLOWING my children to be hurt. This was obviously taken wrong. I am protecting them. When he has a meltdown and freaks out I tell them to clear the room and stay away from him. I talk to them constantly and try to help them understand the situation. I don't mean they should be ok with getting hurt. I was simply saying I want to try to help them understand WHY he's doing these things and why he TRIES to hurt them. Yes, there have been a few times when he has pinched my daughter or pushed one of them when we couldn't step in fast enough. But in all fairness, this happens between my own children also...

Yep...kids will be kids, autism or no autism.

I agree with everyone who has said it's unreasonable to expect the entire family to leave a situation. I'm also really glad that BirdInFlight pointed out, from the perspective of the child who needed to be "removed", forcing EVERYONE to leave just makes it worse for the child who is already feeling overwhelmed/shamed/incapable.

It's completely normal, as already stated, for families with a special-needs child to have contingency plans for these things so that the other kids don't miss out unnecessarily. I also go out of my way to plan things for my NT kids to do *without* their other siblings so that they can have activities that are JUST about them. This is very deliberately to counteract the fact that, by necessity, the "squeaky wheel gets the grease" and a whole lot of my attention gets funneled towards my special needs kid. Siblings (and step-siblings) of special-needs kids can be, I think, pretty wise, and they "get it", but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

Unfortunately, with you being the person coming in from the outside, I can't think of any graceful way to have this conversation with your fiancé... he could easily become very defensive/offended and feel as though you are attacking his devotion to his child. BirdInFlights's perspective might come in handy in that eventual conversation.

As someone who works as a TA with two special needs children in a mainstream setting, I had to snort at the comment which suggested you were 'allowing' this to happen. Anyone whose been around kids for a while knows they hurt each other - it's our job to teach them not to 'use their hurting hands' and to manage situations where this is not possible.

If at all possible, I would have a safe space for your children (do they have a bedroom/bedrooms separate from the step-sibling?) and I would advise them to clear the area whenever they see that a meltdown might be impending or after the first pinch. (Sometimes it's simply not possible to stop these things before they occur.) In my experience, kids usually catch on pretty quickly. Having strategies in place to cope with his behaviour (I'm sure you do) is good and you could explain what you do to your children and how he can't help it but he doesn't have words to express his feelings, etc. (It sounds like you already do.) Tbh, despite the fears of some adults, the kids in my class barely bat an eye when the children I work with meltdown.

I completely agree with the other posters that contingency plans for the step-child are entirely reasonable. It's not that he's been left out, it's that steps are being taken to make sure the activity is accessible for him without being overwhelming.

Having ASD myself and having worked with children higher up the spectrum who can't control their behaviour during meltdowns but who feel greatly ashamed afterwards, I agree with the below poster about guilt though it's quite possible that your step-son isn't developmentally able to consider this.

Perhaps you could encourage having individual special time with each of the children so that your children get to do some things separately but so does he. (This is great even when there isn't a disabled sibling but of course finding time/childcare to do it can be tricky.)

As an n/t. Yes, the n/t folks - kids are affected by meltdowns. It is in our make-up to want to help and fix that. We are hurt and bothered by someone's meltdown.

Yes and no. If they are siblings and love the child, then yes. In a school (or other) environment many NT children are nasty pieces of work who enjoy riling the autistic kid up and laughing at his torment. I have witnessed this many times.

^^^^ THIS

In my experience, at a public school, atypical kids get judged as "weird" and unacceptable and less than human pretty early on, and don't get many second chances. I can't tell you how many times my blood boiled having to sit in an IEP meeting where some staff member simpered on about how "compassionate" the other children in class were (which in itself would be horribly condescending, even if it were genuine and true), but that "compassion" was a fake show, put on only because the teacher was standing right there. Those same kids were nasty little jerks at morning lineup, when no staff was present (usually only 2 adults to supervise the entire elementary school lining up in their class groups outside in the P.E. area). And yes, like ASDMommyASDKid, I have seen groups of kids deliberately bait my kid into having a freakout so they could then make fun of him. It has been really eye-opening to see how young some of these kids are, and how early nastiness is formed. On the other hand, there is occasionally 1 per class that has a truly beautiful heart... who sees ALL his/her classmates as equal people, and is nice to the "special needs" kids without a shred of condescension (These kids will be nice to an autistic kid not to get points with a teacher, but because they are just decent people. They will also tell an autistic kid to "knock it off" if the autistic kid is doing something annoying, but in a way that is so genuine-- the way a brother or sister would-- that is VERY different from the crap that the vast majority of other kids (and staff) do in their treatment of kids who are different. These kids stand out and I silently embrace them, but they are rare.