Shutdowns?

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I would have been posting earlier, but I was in the middle of a pretty bad shutdown-it lasted from Monday afternoon to Tuesday evening-but I finally got out of it.

Here's how mine go: Sometimes I can kind of feel them coming a couple of minutes before they actually happen. It was like that this time, but I was at work, so I couldn't get away to handle it before it became a problem. What happens right before the ones I can kind of predict is that all of my emotions just stop. They all just kind of go away and I become a walking shell. I can still act like I have the emotions, but I can't feel them. This usually only happens in a situation where I literally cannot get away or shut down-since I work retail and I'm a manager, so I can't leave the sales floor or my associate unattended, this happens most often at work.

When it really hits me full force, after I get out of the situation, I kind of just hide under my blanket. There are a lot of circling self hatred and self doubt thoughts going through my mind, thoughts like I'm making it all up, or I'm not trying hard enough to be a "normal" person. I want someone to notice and come check on me and see how I'm doing, but I see this as being attention seeking and selfish and just horrible in general when I want something like that. I have these specific sets of rules that I only expect myself to follow, and that's one of them. And it's not like I would be able to talk if they did come check on me. When I get like this, I can't talk. I try. I try so hard. But the words just don't want to come out. Sometimes I can get my mouth to work if I'm hiding under my blanket and I can't see the person I'm trying to talk to, but other times I have to type or write it out for them. And I know this is frustrating for the other person—it's frustrating for me too. I hate it, it makes me feel broken, like a horrible person, and like no one wants to deal with it.

I think the worst part is the wanting to talk to someone, wanting to be able to deal with it, but not being able to.

I guess to someone who doesn't know what it's like, it sounds like I'm not even trying. Like I'm doing it for attention or something. So of course with the circle of self hatred and self doubt, these thoughts join in. But that's not it at all. I want to communicate, something in me won't let me. It literally feels like my brain and my mouth aren't connected anymore and that I can't communicate in any way except nodding or shaking my head. I have to force myself to show the paper or send the texts when I am able to type it up.

It did make me curious though. How do you all deal with shutdowns, if you have them? What are they like for you? And how do you describe them to NTs so that they understand better and maybe know what to do?

Also if you made it this far, thanks for reading at least

I identify with most of what you described so well. I really don't know what to do to make them better. They say me keeping up with taking in electrolytes and potassium might help some. And staying hydrated. More like being low on those and dehydrated might make me move vulnerable, rather than that stuff being a remedy. When my shutdows are at the worst, I basically go catatonic.

I have never explained one to an NT person, I don't think. My husband doesn't know much about them, but identified one on his own for the first time the other day. Not using the right term - I don't think I've ever used the words 'meltdown' or 'shutdown' before, but he did ask if everything was ok because 'you're walking in slow motion'.

How do I get over them? Personally, my usual calming method of loud music (though I know that's not ideal for many on the spectrum!). Usually I'm left exhausted for hours, as a result of them, but music can help to pull me out of one more quickly.

I usually lie down, if I'm at home, and just 'act asleep' whilst I get my energy back a bit. The one my husband recognised was when we were out and about. He offered that I could sit down, but I didn't want to make a big deal of it and didn't think it would help - I thought I'd recover slowly on my own. I quickly regretted that as I did start to feel much better, but then one very small thing sent me back into it. I don't think I had time to get out of it completely, but probably would have if I'd just stopped and sat down like he suggested. As it was, I made it much more difficult for myself and dragged it out for longer. On that occasion (we were dining out) I just went to the toilet, stood quietly in a cubicle and had some time in peace and quiet. Not the most dignified or enjoyable, but it did the job (and then I was able to focus on the music playing in the restaurant to get me out the rest of the way. I've now asked my husband that if I say 'No, let's just keep walking, I'll get over it', he should overrule me and tell me to sit down and take time out. I just hate inconveniencing people.

For me, I compare it to hitting glass walls in my head. At my worst I can't think, speak, write, nothing. People can talk to me and I won't be able to register what they are saying most of the time. People have tried to shake me back to reality before. Sometimes it works, other times it just makes me hole up in my head longer. I don't always recognize when this is going to happen to me until it's happening. I have to stay mindful of things like my heart rate to help keep this stuff in check. My body knows before my brain when I need to do x y or z to keep this stuff from happening. When they do happen it can take days or weeks to recover fully from one. I don't like that. They kick my butt during and after as well. I do relate to the hiding and pretending to sleep talk. I do that as well, but I also do that even when I am not shutting down... it's part of what I do on a regular basis to keep myself okay. I am a huge fan of hiding under blankets.

For me, shutdowns can include:

• becoming emotionally deadened
• becoming partially or completely nonverbal
• losing all executive functioning ability
• losing ability to understand speech
• losing awareness / understanding of surroundings

To explain this, I would tell neurotypicals that it is like tripping a circuit breaker. "It is a relatively common issue, especially if you like to vacuum, listen to music and microwave popcorn at the same time. If you overload a circuit, your system will cut off the electrical flow to prevent circuit damage or a fire.

Turn off all lights and unplug a few appliances in the room or rooms that have lost power. If you recently added a new appliance to the room, like a vacuum, make sure you unplug it because there’s a good chance the new guy was the culprit. This is important because if you leave everything on and you’ve overloaded the circuit, it’s possible to blow your fuse or breaker all over again once you restore power!"

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31st of July, 2013
Diagnosed: Autism Spectrum Disorder, Auditory-Verbal Processing Speed Disorder, and Visual-Motor Processing Speed Disorder.

Weak Emerging Social Communicator (The Social Thinking-­Social Communication Profile by Michelle Garcia Winner, Pamela Crooke and Stephanie Madrigal)

"I am silently correcting your grammar."