I feel like I am not a full human

Post Reply New Topic

I am wracked with the feeling that I was born as some other entity than human. Demon, perhaps. I don't actually believe in the supernatural. But a demon or some other supernatural entity that is beyond human understanding or motivation seems to fit the bill. My general mood, my overarching sensation of existing is profoundly inhuman- I feel like something is either missing inside me, or I am missing out on something everyone else has, or some combination of the two.
It's like I don't belong on Earth. I belong somewhere else, or in some other state of existence, or some other society based on completely different psychology and motivations. I'm just so unbelievably wracked with disillusionment. I feel like the whole world is either a lie or a sick joke. It's a big competition where everyone's trying to f**k everybody else. And I hate it all. I wish I could end the Earth- its like an experiment that the scientist feels pity for because it was created with an awful existence that it has no effective means of ending. It slithers across the laboratory floor, writhing in pain and pleasure and mindless impulses, and it won't go away.

Yeah i know how you feel.sometimes I am in the world but mostly not.I feel like something is missing most of the time cos I just don't enjoy anything that other people enjoy. Try to remember that it is only different brain wiring , you're not a demon.my partner àlways tells me that I might be the person that is right and the normal one and everyone else is abnormal.I feel for you it is not easy being an aspie.

I think I understand what you are feeling. Most of the time I feel like some strange other worldly creature that does not belong on this planet. Other times, I feel like I am a robot.

Yes. I feel the same way.

And I actually thought I am a demon when I was 14 year old. I wasn't diagnosed back then and looked for some explanation of why I can't get along with other people and I figured it is because I am not a human but an incarnated demon (human with demonic soul) which decided to get into the world out of curiosity and which is not accepted by other humans because they can somehow feel my demonic presence.

I miss that time. That explanation gave me more confidence and ability to stand everything than the AS diagnosis.
With AS I am a victim of my genes and brain wiring and apparently other people should help me and pity me because I am so poor and clueless. I can't do anything without their help. But they don't want to help me.

With demon explanation I was here by my own choice and I was actually a superior being compared to humans. My only struggle was missing the power I lost upon reincarnating. But I believed I will get it back as soon as I die. I was ready to die at any moment but I wanted to stay there as long as I could because I had a reason - I wanted to know how it is like to live as a human and I believed I wouldn't forgive myself if I gave up and killed myself halfway. And I had some hope that if life gets very bad I might get some of my forgotten powers back without experiencing death.

Unfortunately I can't consider myself a demon anymore because I lost my faith in the supernatural and the afterlife.

Recently I tried taking life as a game but it doesn't work so well. Life a sh***y game you can play only once and starting it with random stats makes random players play it at hard mode while being misunderstood and considered stupid by those who play it on easy and medium. I suppose there is some satisfaction in playing the hard mode - but easy and medium modes are more fun. Hard mode is frustrating.

This is very relatable. I wasn't diagnosed until my senior year of high school. Until then I just accepted that I was different since I never really fit into any of the cliche social units. Being an outsider was something I was just use to accepting. Even here I'm an outsider with my inately poor social nature. Oddly enough the single most recurring trope in my life has been being abandoned and forgotten by any group of friends I was in. Suppose it never was hard for someone who was already a shadow to completely fade out

I'm an outsider too, if that makes you all feel any better.im sure it doesn't!things do mellow a bit as you get older,I was really wild when I was young. now I'm just wild in the mind.i can really relate to the AS diagnosis and being a poor thing, when I tell people they start talking to me very slowly as if I am a complete idiot.i preferred the pre diagnosis me too.

For example, when I worked at H&R Block, I wonder why I was the only employee who gave a damn about "cross-collection" ? ! ? A client with children getting a $3,000 refund because of earned income credit, and H&R Block's "partnering" bank will potentially take the entire refund for purposes of third party debt! This is maybe this taxpayer's entire year. This parent is really counting on this money.

There was this weird deal where my fellow preparers would seem to sincerely like their clients and enjoy their company, but then if something went wrong, somehow blame the person for being a pain. I just didn't get it. More commonly, the return just gets hung up and the damn automated phone system doesn't give the customer a straight answer. But this vague business of "other debt" maybe hits one or two customers out of a hundred, and the company wants it to stay confusing.

Almost in rebellion, I decided the hard clients are the good clients, were the whole reason I was there in the first place. Hope I would decide the same thing if I was a doctor, but that's probably not going to happen, not in my 50s, not unless there's some part of the world that has relatively short training for medics.

========

I have thought about being a real estate agent, where I become very knowledgeable and honest about local flood zones. And if someone thinks a 100 year flood plain (each year one out of a 100 chance) is just fine, or just isn't interested in the whole thing, that's okay, too.

We are not "fully human"

We are 3.14 times "fully human."

I don't think it's a bad thing not to feel like a complete human because I don't think any of us (NT's included) actually are. I would say it's part of a natural process to feel dissociation on a path to becoming wise, preparing yourself for death and dealing with loss in the meantime. The problem is you're up against a society that discourages that kind of thinking because it doesn't ultimately help them to help you to become more productive and of more use to them, so it's difficult to find any reference points for what it is you're actually feeling and you're encouraged to accept that you're mentally ill.