Why is it difficult to say your sorry?

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Why is it difficult to say your sorry? How come it's so hard to admit you were wrong? Is it because an Aspie person is afraid of the emotions an apology will cause to another? Is it because it is viewed as confrontational. I feel better after I apologize because I can then move on, but that's me. Any insight out there to help me understand why my Aspie son has difficulties with this.

I hate apologising. It's because of the emotion behind it. It makes me feel physically sick expressing how I feel about things when it really means something. The more sorry I feel, the harder it is to say it.

i find it hard to apoligise when im not sorry even if i should be

I'm not so sure that's AS, at least not exclusively. Personally I don't have any problem apologizing, if anything I do it too much, since I'm always self-conscious and afraid that I'm doing something to offend someone without realizing it - I just assume there's something to say I'm sorry about. It could be some other aspect of his personality at play here, possibly exacerbated by AS, but I don't think that's the entire explanation.

Simple: Nobody wants to admit they're ever wrong.

Last edited by Ramsus on 14 May 2007, 9:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Why do you think this is somehow specific to AS? It's common for any human to reist admitting they're wrong. It's always a blow to one's ego, unless you're a saint, which 99% of human are not. The difference is that Aspies tend to lack the self-delusion, elaborate rationalizing and sophisticated ability to lie easily to other people that softens the blow to the ego for "normal" people when they admit they're wrong. For a NT kid yours son's age, it always "Yes I was wrong, but..." For an AS kid, it's more black and white - "I am wrong. Period. No ifs, ands or buts." Since an AS kid lacks those intuitive ways of deceptions and manipulation, since they don't automatically look for a way to shift the blame or lessen accountability or a way to appease their accuser, it's just plain harsher for their developing egos and sense of self to admit wrong.

The irony of course is this: it's harder for your son to admit he's wrong than for an NT kid simply because he's more honest and more focused on the situation in front of him. He's not looking to lie or suck up to anyone, and he's not looking for an exit route. It is what it is, and so the only way he has to defend himself from the hurt of admitting wrong is to avoid it as long as possible.

Now of course, if you're wrong yourself about him being wrong, he'll know your error far more acutely than an NT child. So that may also be why he's refusing to admit he's wrong. AS kids are exceptionally stubborn about this - when they know an adult's wrong and they're right, it doesn't matter who's teh adult and who's the child, all that matter is what is right. AS kids don't look at adults the same way as NT kids - AS kids see adults more like equals in this regard. AS kids also sense the ways adults manipulate the truth (often unconsciously) and delude themselves into thinking they're right. In short, they see through your BS. So if you're wrong, and he knows it, he'll likely put up a fight.

Last edited by Cade on 14 May 2007, 10:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

maybe he just doesn`t understand what he has done wrong (even if you have explained this to him in detail he might still not get it!)
I apologise without understanding what I have done wrong, I just know that if people around me are annoyed it is most likely my fault.

I agree that it's not an Aspie thing. It's always hard to admit you're wrong, especially when you've had a nasty, long, drawn-out argument about it. Learning to apologize is just part of growing up, and it ends the bad feelings between people sooner than anything else.

It's not an Aspie thing no, but the reasons AS kids find it difficult are likely to be different. I know the main reason I find it hard to apologise is more to do with AS then ego.

I hate doing wrong by others and have no problem apologizing. I'm not here to make anyone else's life harder and if I do, even if indirectly, I can be sorry for that. I don't care. I'll acknowledge how they feel and say I'm sorry. My problem is with everybody else. People have hurt me, hurt me bad, and I never get an apology. They never seem to care.

Although I did get my first apology in many years not to long ago. A friend told me she was feeling ill and later when she woke up from a nap she refused to eat. Apperantly many people had offered. I asked her if she was feeling all right and she blew up at me. "IF I WANT PIZZA I'LL HAVE PIZZA. I DON'T WANT PIZZA!! !" Jesus christ, I was concerned about your well being and you bite my head off. At 5am the next morning we both happened to wake up and she apologized. That was nice.

Sometimes it takes me a while to realize I'm in the wrong. I have to cool down first and then I apologize. When I was younger though, it really took a lot for me to realize if I was in the wrong.

Maybe it's not an issue of it being difficult to apologize as much as it's an issue of being able to see that you're wrong.

Definitely. My brother has a huge problem recognizing when *he* was the one who was irritable and started the argument. Even though he is the only constant participant in 95% of the arguments in my house. None of the rest of us argue with each other- only with him, because he is frequently irritable and snaps at us for no reason.

because I'm not

Aspies are quite capable of self-delusion and elaborate rationalizing. They don't self-delude intentionally, but how often do you see people in general doing that intentionally?

Difficulty in apologizing is indeed not specific to AS, but Aspies don't mask the trait as well. By far, Aspies like to be extremely secure in their thinking and social positions, and admitting guilt or incorrectness is likened to accepting fallibility, a Chinese in the armor. I don't think that it is fair to say that non-Aspie kids have intuitive ways of deceiving and manipulating. That's like saying that there is something inherently evil about human nature itself. If you want to say that AS kids see things more in black and white (which I think is true), then it's more appropriate to say that non-AS kids see things in more shades of grey. To make the implication that grey is necessarily "deception and manipulation" with all their negative connotations is a bit slanted.

It's unfortunate that Aspies do think this way. Many don't realize that if they're able to admit that they were wrong, they'd be able to learn from mistakes and become smarter and wiser and even better than they were before. However many are unwilling to accept that temporary loss of security, even if it will make them more secure in the end. And then they wonder why they have difficulty understanding how the world works...

Cuz you don't wanna admit you're wrong.

When I do say something I regret, or have one of my "moments" (going nuts after losing somethings) I usually try to apologize. I feel bad if I don't. I am very particular about apologies. If I think I did something wrong I will apologize, but if not I won't. If there is some verbal conflict or something I think it over and sometimes go over it with a friend to try to see if I made any mistakes.