I've participated in drama for a few years now. I've mostly just gotten ensemble roles, though recently I starred in my first lead role in a production. However, I was cast in ensemble for our school musical (my last show at this school, since it's my senior year) , and I've never really gotten huge roles in musicals. I hope that by staying in drama and continuing drama I'll eventually be able to score lead roles, but a friend of mine, who's known for brutal honesty, confided in me that although she knows I give everything my all, can be a wonderful person once you get acquainted with me, and have some good acting ability, she's uncertain if I'd ever get very many leads because directors are always looking for perfection and I have some qualities that may turn them off to me (i.e. staring at people with unblinking eyes, struggling with quick changes, my ungraceful movements onstage, blurting out inappropriate things, etc.). I recently started voice lessons to help with my singing, but I don't really have much of a naturally good voice (though it's powerful and still decent) and my mother has told me I'll probably never have an amazing singing voice even with lessons, though I am improving. I admire my neurotypical friends in drama, who get better parts and have been doing it a bit longer, and wish I could be more like them, but last night my friend told me that she doesn't think I'll get very many good roles in productions unless I audition for a play with other special needs people, which really bothers me because I'd much rather be integrated with everybody else and by quitting regular drama for a special needs theater group I feel like I'd be admitting that I'm too "special needs'' or not good enough for normal theater, though in normal theater I feel self conscious around everyone else or I'm longing to be challenged by how many lines and songs and solos I'd have to memorize rather than by all the quick changes and choreography I'd have to memorize as a member of the ensemble. I'm a leader and participant in the Unified Theater at our school, and my friend has suggested that I quit regular drama and just do that, but I don't want to give up and don't see Unified Theater as authentic acting experience as much as I see it as a program for special needs children unable to participate in regular theater to have fun, and because everybody's role is equal it doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment when you get a certain role in a Unified Theater production, and it almost doesn't even feel like a real play. I just want to be like everyone else, but I've endured a lot of heartache in drama, be it through disappointment in the kinds of roles I'm getting or the inadequacy I feel compared to who I'm up against for roles, though I'm determined to keep trying, but after hearing my friend's words I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it or if anything will ever come of it. I especially started feeling this way after last year. You see, I've mentioned in my past posts that I had to be hospitalized after obsessing over a boy so much that I snapped after he got a new girlfriend. At one point last year, I looked up her name online and found videos of her singing in musicals in roles I could only dream of, like Little Orphan Annie and Ariel from "The Little Mermaid,'' and since then I've felt like I need to measure up to her. After getting my first lead I started feeling a bit better about myself, but after getting ensemble again I wonder if I'm really climbing up to the top slowly or if voice lessons are really helping me as much as I think they are, or if I'm just not as talented as the other actors. I don't want to quit voice lessons or blame my vocal coach, because he's amazing and I love him to pieces. He has an incredible voice, and though he's realistic with me in admitting that a musical theater career is likely not in the cards for me (which is okay, since I don't plan on going on Broadway but would like to do community theater), but there's still hope for me, though I feel like I don't always fully understand his advice or forget it quickly even if I write it down. He makes me feel awesome about myself, and I want to keep him in my life for as long as possible.
I'm working on my singing, and I know my acting is getting better. So, for all you theater people out there... do you think I still could have a shot?
24 Dec 2016, 2:05 pm
