Difficult Time

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I am having a difficult time right now. Over the holidays I spent a lot of time around family. I've learned how to behave around them over the years (I'm in my 30's). I like them and spending time with them. But honestly, it is hard to be around them, too. Why? Because I feel that I am different. I seem to be "wired" differently than they are. I am quiet, I look at the world differently, I don't get excited about the same things. At one point I tried to explain my difference to them and seek some understanding. They were not receptive. I tried to tell them that I am overwhelmed by things with a lot of change and by changes in my routine. I tried to talk to them about my very passionate interests. It just seemed to confuse them. So instead I just try to be friendly and hang around them until I need to retreat back into the comfort of my routine. A few comments they make stick in my mind, but I try not to dwell on them. Well-meaning suggestions about how I could be happier if I would try living my life in this way or the other. I'm sure they mean well, but it seems like further evidence of how little they understand.

I have a neighbor in the next door apartment who is being rude to me. Apparently I have pissed him off, though I looked after his cats while he was away and have made every effort to be a good neighbor. I can deal with this, but it is frustrating when he plays his drum kit as loud as possible and the sound pounds through the paper thin apartment walls. My thought is, well he doesn't live in my apartment, which I am paying for. In four months I can move out of here and go somewhere else. My next place will have to be a house so I can hopefully get some peace and quiet. I feel like the problems with he and I are that I am the way I am and he is "normal". He has high expectations that I will behave like a "normal person" in some sense, and interprets my failure to do so as in some way wrong. I don't know what he really thinks, but this is my best attempt to interpret him. I hate that I am spending time thinking about his behavior. I could be spending time doing things that enrich my life, but it sucks when someone is being rude to you and you have to live next to them.

I was feeling really down about these and other things. But, I have found some hope from trying to see things in perspective and from planning for the future. I look forward to a day when I can have a life with the privacy and structure I need. Then I can make my "different wiring" work and live at least a comfortable life. I just have to make the right choices. Looking forward to that day.

You have a great attitude about it!

I have also found that modelling, re-shaping, my life in way that works for me... actually works for the most part!

The key is to try to make sensible decisions for yourself. And to seek help when you need it. Guided meditation works quite well for me.

Also when you want to tell your family these things it is probably better to tell them in private, and outside of a party setting.

Okay, so you recognize that you are wired differently. Hold on to this thought- you are different and most of them are like each other, a majority, which makes them in a "normal state." That's all that normal means, by the way, just a condition that the majority is in. If 60% of a population is female and 40% is male, technically it means that being female is normal and being male is abnormal.

For autism, something like 98.5% are neurotypical and 1.5% are autistic. Not exactly, but that's close enough.

Imagine that there are 98 spots of red in a group and 2 spots of blue. Add yellow to all the spots. 98 spots will turn orange and 2 will turn green. Does that mean that the two spots are "wrong"? Or that we should expect them to turn orange? That would be stupid, wouldn't it? If you and I were in an art class and I seriously had that expectation, you would think I was either kidding around or I was crazy to think that, right?

So people are the same way. It's not "wrong" for a spot to be a different color. It IS different. It IS abnormal, but it's laughable to attribute some kind of value to the difference. It might be an advantage or a disadvantage, depending on the situation. It means nothing on its own. Red is not better than blue and vice versa. They're just different.

I'd advise you to work on this kind of thought, because it's the truth. I think it's a step in the right direction to know that you are wired differently. But it's potentially dangerous to your wellbeing to think that other people are correct over your own natural inclinations.

I like that analogy! To take it further, we live in a world where people say "I understand that you're a blue spot, you can't help it, but you need to learn how to turn orange in situations where yellow is added".

LogicOrNot, I'm sorry you're surrounded by people who don't understand. Misunderstandings with neighbors can make things terribly uncomfortable. But good for you for taking charge, and planning to create a better life for yourself. I remember finally realizing (long before my Asperger's diagnosis) that I was a square peg in a round hole, and if I ever hope to be happy, I'd better start digging myself a square hole!

Your neighbor's drum playing is illegal, and you don't have to put up with it. Complain to the apartment manager or call the cops. Be quiet about it so that your neighbor won't know that you complained, otherwise he may treat you worse.

I can completely empathise here, living in a loft conversion studio flat with walls and floors thin enough to hear whole conversations.
I've variously fallen out with, then made up again with my neighbours both to one side and directly below. Even when everything's okay between us, I'm overly aware of when they're home and find myself acting slightly differently, as if I'm now in the same room as them. It makes relaxing and feeling at home difficult.

I think Asperger's makes it more difficult (and I can obviously only speak for my own flavour of the condition) because I'm naturally sensitive to being within ear or eyeshot of anyone else. My weird paranoia is that I feel like I don't want to intrude on their lives by having to hear me walking around, or making coffee, or watching youtubes/flix; -Even though they don't afford me the same consideration. I think this is because I do piece together information on their personal lives, what time they get up, who they're arguing with on the phone etc without even meaning to. Feed me data and I WILL organise it. If that data is what someone else is doing, then in organised form it'll look a lot like a person's daily itinerary.

I try to make random loud noises in the same way as they do, in order to give the impression that I haven't given a second thought to them being there. In the long term I'll move to a place that's either detached or has stone walls. In the short I play music loud enough to disguise what's going on outside of my space without being loud enough to be a nuisance, and I've 3d-printed soundproofing tiles and hung them on the wall down one side of the apartment.

Thanks for all of your replies!

starkid: I considered calling the cops, but if I did I think he might suspect that I am the one who called, since I'm the only neighbor that shares a wall with him. The property manager told me that dealing with noisy neighbors is up to the tenants.

I think all I can do is try to be a good neighbor, politely keep my distance, and hope that he settles down with his drumming.

voidnull: I also feel overly aware of my neighbors and worry about intruding on their lives. I purchased a Bluetooth transmitter so I can watch movies with headphones on, at least partly for that reason. The soundproofing tiles are a good idea. I will have to look into that.

That's a very good point!

I like this analogy. I would take it a step further to say that sometimes it is the ones of fewer color that have the greatest impact on the whole.

Do you live in the U.S.? The property manager isn't doing her job. Surely all tenants have to sign a lease agreement that includes rules about noise, and the property manager is supposed to enforce the lease. If you won't call the cops, you could at least report the property manager to the housing authority.

I think so too.

The only real problem with the analogy is that a blue spot can actually pretend to be red for limited periods of time. I personally advocate doing this in very specific situations only, like job interviews or when being pulled over for a traffic stop, but not all the time. What works for most people may not work for you, and it may be that other people will have a hard time understanding that.

The situations I talked about in my original post actually seem to have a happy ending now.

I met my mom for dinner, and as we were talking I was telling her about some difficulties I have had at work. She actually suggested out of the blue that I might have a bit of autism. I never thought I would hear this from her. I didn't tell her about my diagnosis because it seemed to make her uncomfortable when I brought it up. So I told her tonight.

I also think my neighbor and I are on better terms.

Good news.

A lot of the family trouble can come down to you being more of an introvert. There are some good TED talks about that. Also, number of friends is inverse to IQ. It is always a thin selection when you have an esoteric interest to discuss, but you might get published and attract others.

Glad to hear it!

I'll add one last update to this thread.

Here is an insight that I have had while reflecting on these and other situations. It may seem obvious to many, but I know it would save me a lot of trouble if I would keep it in mind. The insight is that people don't seem to care much about what you do, as long as you don't offend them or threaten them. I guess it is a corollary to that saying that goes roughly, "people forget much of what you say but never forget how you make them feel".

It's not easy for me to figure out what will or will not offend or threaten someone, but I think I could learn to be a little more careful.